It’s pretty easy to get jaded about relationships these days. One doesn’t have to look very hard to see examples of good love gone bad all around. But every once in awhile, you see true love does exist.
Or at least I have. Most recently I have spied it as I take my kids to school in the morning. At first, I didn’t pay the couple walking along the side of the road much attention. But one day I noticed a certain oddness to her gait that made me look at them a little closer.
They aren’t exactly elderly, maybe late 50s or early 60s. And it is hard to say what exactly is going on, maybe cancer, maybe early onset of Alzheimer’s, maybe something else but she is clearly very, very ill.
On nice days I see them, out taking a morning walk. He hovers near her with a gentle tenderness and patience, it is clear from his body language he loves this women very much, and that he is cherishing these moments they have together, as imperfect and I am sure challenging that they might be.
For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. For richer or poorer. Forsaking all others. Till death do they part.
This morning, I found myself crying at the sight of those two, once again slowly ambling along. My heart both breaks for them and is also filled with such a profound joy that they have each other, and that they found each other, against all the odds, in this brief moment of time we call life, on this insignificant green and blue ball spinning at 1040 miles per hour and traveling at 67,000 miles per hour around the sun, off to the edge of the Milky Way galaxy.
Yep, sometimes you still see it. And for me at least, when I do, it reminds me of the bigger picture and what this whole experience is really all about. Love. Loving. Being loved. Loving back. In the end, those are the moments that I imagine will matter the most.
As I have mentioned previously, I often see women (mis)treating their loyal and loving husbands with less than the same. It puzzles me why women would do this, as it seems like it is keen on destroying the very foundation their relationship rests upon.
At another Red Pill site, there’s been an interesting discussion on why women might treat their man with contempt, and what can be done about it. (It is my theory that men can also treat their partner with contempt, and that’s not ok either.)
The theory that was floated is this: that research has shown this dynamic leads to many a divorce:
“In the original research, the four observed predictors of divorce were
1. Wife showing contempt during conflict with the husband
2. Husband and wife being defensive
3. Wife complaining, husband stonewalling (Demand/withdraw pattern)
4. Wife emotionally detached
Gottman, J.M., (1991). Predicting the longitudinal course of marriages, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 17 (1), 3-7.”
The solution, according to the one who floated the theory is for women to resist the urge to show contempt during conflict (re: be nice, fight fair, etc.)
Or if she won’t, the recommendation is for the man to respond by running dread or using bemused mastery (threatening to walk or treating her like a spoiled child.)
In my opinion, contempt is a disastrous attitude to bring into a supposedly loving relationship. Yet time and again I see it acted out, and it truly is a love killer.
So ladies, can women be nice to men? Can women resist the entitled princess act so endorsed by the current culture, and show her man some (gasp) love and respect? As “old fashioned” as it sounds, I’d recommend it!
[And if it isn’t clear I am talking about otherwise “healthy and good” workable relationships, obviously this advice does not apply to relationships involving abuse on either side. In that case, I recommend ending the relationship and exploring through therapy or other means how to recognize and avoid abusive relationships in the future.]
In today’s male/female romantic relations, total openness, honesty, and transparency are encouraged. And when it comes to some things, I would agree.
But I would also argue that I have made the mistake in the past of not preserving a little bit of mystery — not sharing my each and every feeling, thought, or memory.
I believe in days gone by, women knew this was a key aspect of femininity, and that it created attraction.
I am not talking about being deceptive, dishonest, or deceitful. I am referring to smaller things, like shutting the bathroom door when applying makeup, or dressing, or not wearing the scary mud mask while he’s around.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable,” is an example of preserving a little mystery, disappearing, then reappearing looking like an alluring package to unwrap. Versus just unceremoniously dropping your clothes to the floor, with an “there’s nothing we haven’t all seen before, here” attitude.
Even a change of hair color, style, wearing something different than your usual style, all these things can bring freshness into a long term relationship. Much better than not caring and just letting oneself go.
I guess another way to put it is be enchanting. Advocates of game say the male needs to continue with his seduction techniques even into marriage, and I would argue women should work as well by remaining a bit mysterious, being enchanting herself.
It’s the yin and the yang. As much as we drive each other crazy at times, men and women still can’t seem to leave each other alone. Why? I believe it’s our differences that draw us to each other, so this whole trend toward being androgynous would seem to have the opposite effect.
Don’t believe me? Wear a dress or skirt instead of pants, jeans, or slacks one day. See how many men notice. I have even had men stop and say to me how refreshing it is to see a woman dressed in a skirt or dress these days, like a woman!
What do you think? Does intimacy have to mean letting it all hang out? Or does letting it all hang out kill attraction?
A recent event in my life affirmed something I have always believed but do not always follow — that we all have a gut instinct (or spidey sense) that if listened to, can help steer us in the right direction and away from situations and people that aren’t good for us.
Our current culture values science, logic, fact, and proof over things like intuition. These days, a gut instinct is dismissed as something akin to superstition, horoscopes, or listening to palm readers.
But I would argue it is anything but. It is a very primitive but ancient defense mechanism, a way to avoid danger in a dangerous world. It happens somewhere is the subconscious mind, or the brain stem and because of this people want to believe “higher reasoning” is better. But is it?
Like I said a recent situation had me examining the result of not heeding my spidey sense enough. I had always thought that spidey sense came from an emotional place. But as I examined the choices I was making I realized the spidey sense was advocating for logic, my higher reasoning was advocating based on emotion. That was an “ah ha” moment for me.
The truth is our minds are always taking in huge amounts of data, but we are only consciously aware of a fraction of it because otherwise it would be overwhelming. And of course we often don’t get to see what would have happened otherwise, had we taken path A over B.
However I cannot recall a single instance in my life where listening to my spidey sense led me down a path that was not in my best interest and how many times ignoring it has.
One frequent commenter who is a soldier and has spent many a day on the front line in dangerous territory swears it’s all about the spidey sense. He is alive today because he listens to it. He’s so tuned into it, it doesn’t whisper, it screams.
Another commenter reported that spidey sense can be easily dismissed because it often surfaces long before the actual cause of it does. At the time, you don’t really understand what is “off” about a situation, you just sense that it is. The common reaction is to wait for conformation the spidey sense was right, however by that time it is often much more difficult to cope with the consequences of not heeding it earlier.
I for one and going to start to honor my spidey sense, and to keep a journal so I can see for myself if it is just hokey pokey or if indeed my life and decisions I am making are an improvement.
Do you believe in spidey sense? Can you think of a time you wish you had, or hadn’t listened to it? Please share your thoughts in the comments!
Ok, this post is a bit different from the rest but I hope you all will play along. There’s always such great commentary here, this post is inviting the reader to school the author(ess) and her female readers on the unfulfilled needs and wants of men.
In this post I am hoping readers will comment in response to these questions: What don’t women get from a man’s point of view? How could women meet their man’s needs better? In your opinion what are women missing big time about the male side of relationships? What has a woman done for you in the past (or present) that you think most women should also do, but don’t? Being in a relationship, I am thinking in a relationship, but it could also be when dating, pre-dating, etc. At any stage.
It can be anything from buy him a beer or dinner to get up and make breakfast for him every day (or pack his lunch or make him sandwiches or whatnot) to wear lingerie (or not), whatever…maybe those are examples of what girls think guys want but they don’t…I dunno, that’s why I ask… I truly want to know, from a guy perspective… so go wild. There are no wrong answers. From the simple to the complex. Anything goes.
Female readers are also invited to ask their male partners, if they dare, and share what is said/learned.
I look forward to hearing what you all have to say from the male point of view about things women just don’t get, but should…
I saw this quote on another blog and I thought it was both likely the truth and also funny enough I had to share. Ladies, you have been warned!
“If it weren’t for sex, men would have hunted women to extinction centuries ago.”
~ Cautiously Pessimistic
I could speculate about the sex lives of dinosaurs and try to debunk the whole ice age/meteorite theory here, but I think that might distract from the point so I will just keep this one short and sweet!
If you have done much reading on the manosphere about the red pill you surely have found, well, that seems to be a guy thing. It’s mostly guys talking to other guys about this red pill. Can a woman be red pill? Should she? What can a woman gain from red pill information?
As I have shared elsewhere on this site, I stumbled across the red pill after yet another relationship failure, desperate to figure out what I was getting wrong so I could start getting it right. I was doing all the things I had been told girls were supposed to do: I had a college degree, a career, had started my own business – I was living the dream! I was doing and being all that I could be. I am woman, her me roar.
Except, that all wasn’t working out so well on the home front. I was a single mom with two children and failed relationships with both of their fathers, one I was married to for 12 years, the other who I met a few years after after my divorce, we lived together and had a child (because this is the “modern age” right? Who needs marriage? It’s just a piece of paper, I thought. Marriage didn’t work for me, so why not skip the marriage part?) That time, it lasted 4 years. I was devastated. About 6 months after that, I met and dated someone for 6 months. It was going good at first, but then that too crashed and burned. WTF?
I knew there had to be another way.
Now that I am red pill aware, I can see the role I played in all those relationships not working out, and it wasn’t minor. Not that it was all my fault either, but I could have been and done better in all those relationships. I am ashamed to admit I rarely thought about what these men might need from me in these relationships, that maybe they weren’t just there to prop me up so I could live my dreams. My career and business came first, before them and before my kids. I was trying to become this island, the liberated modern female who didn’t need anyone but herself, could take care of herself, could provide for herself, and could thanks to all that be unoppressed and free.
Despite these repeated relationship failures, everyone around me was building me up for being this “strong independent woman,” or SIW who was a single mom, running a business, active in the community. I didn’t need a man, they said, I was living proof that feminism worked. Meanwhile, inside, I knew something was not working, not working at all. I didn’t want to be a SIW poster child. I wanted to be a part of something, not to be an island. I wanted a happy relationship and a happy family.
Confused, I was surfing the internet one night looking for information on successful relationships when I stumbled across a red pill blog, The Rules Revisited. It was a blog written by a man, to women, explaining a lot of things that women don’t seem to get about men. I could not stop reading. Suddenly a lot that didn’t make sense before, suddenly did. I read every single post over the next few days. I read all the comments. Somehow one of them led me to another red pill blog, Just Four Guys, where inner-gender relationships and dynamics of men and women and relationships were being discussed more openly and honestly than I had ever seen.
Over and over I heard the story of relationships failing, from a male point of view. Through their stories, I could see where I had gone wrong in my own. Friends who I tried to talk to about what I was reading flat out rejected it as misogynistic rantings of bitter, angry, men. How could I even read that stuff, they asked?
But somehow I knew these red pill men were on to something. I read the blogs every day. I read every comment. Over time I started to recognize the names of those who commented over and over, started to piece together their stories. Eventually I started commenting myself. Having grown up with only one older brother, their direct way of communication and their abrupt, sometimes offensive, language didn’t phase me.
These were men being men. I knew I needed to understand men. Here they were. And although I have heard many women say red pill men hate women, it is not true. Those guys were/are some of the smartest, kindest, bighearted men (and a handful of women also interested in these red pill ideas) I had ever met. And even though I was only starting to grasp the red pill, they welcomed me and they encouraged me on my quest to try to understand how men think, what men needed, and what women just don’t get about men but men wished they did.
Day after day they accepted me and made me feel welcome although at times if I was getting off track they would make no bones about pointing it out. Several times when I would have a “red pill moment” and come face to face with a truth about myself or the world I didn’t want to see, they patiently supported me as I wailed and beat my chest and went off the rails emotionally in protest before making peace with whatever it was I didn’t want to see but needed to. They knew, because they had been there, too.
“If the red pill wants to make you vomit,” one said, “then you know you are starting to get it.” Because it’s true, the red pill often reveals to men and to women things about being who we are that we’d rather not see. Things we have built amazingly complex subterfuge, smoke and mirrors, and pretty little lies around, desperately trying to conceal and deny these truths about men and women and relationships and how it all really works.
I learned all sorts of thing. What men wanted in a woman. What was important to men in relationships. What was important to men in general. Where women often go wrong. Where I went wrong. Why men acted like they did. What women just didn’t get about men. What women just didn’t get about themselves. And more, much much more.
Sometimes a woman commenter would show up and start arguing with these guys, displaying her SIW flag loud and proud and insisting these red pill concepts were wrong. When this happened, these men made no bones about what the red pill had to say about all that. In many cases these women would double down, and yes it could get ugly. The men would call out the red pill ideas these women’s very own commentary proved true. Sometimes the gals would stay and try to fight, lobbing in low blows and insults, but the guys would not back down on what they believed. Sometimes the girls got it and settled in to be a constructive participant. If not, and usually after much drama, eventually they would go off in a huff, reject the red pill entirely.
As my own understanding grew, I would try to act as a translator for these new gals, putting what these guys were saying into words I knew a woman could better understand. For me. For them. And even for my own girls. At that time, I felt even if I wasn’t in a relationship and didn’t know if I ever would be again, I could at least learn these things so I could help my two daughters and other women avoid my divorced single mom fate.
In fact, doing so inspired me to start this blog, I wanted to share with women these red pill ideas, both to better understand them myself by writing about them and in hopes this information could help them avoid some of the relationship pitfalls I had not. I felt if women could understand these red pill concepts, from the female point of view, it would improve their lives and relationships. I also do the same in real life, counseling friends about how to save their marriages and connect with their men rather than encouraging them “you go girl!” toward divorce and the SIW path I now know is not the way.
Am I red pill? Can a woman really be red pill? I am not sure. But I know I am at the least red pill aware, and that what I have learned from the red pill over the past year plus has set me up to succeed in my new relationship and understand how to have that happy marriage and family I have always wanted plus how to eliminate the thinking and behaviors I held that were preventing it before. It’s changed me, and for the better. I feel very good about the future. The time I have spent wrestling with these red pill concepts has paid off many fold in making me a better woman, a better partner, a better mother, and a better friend. It hasn’t always been easy, but I don’t regret it, not one bit.
In the past year or so that I have been lurking about the manosphere reading what men have to say about love, marriage, relationships, and women, I have learned some surprising things, like they wish women would:
1. Be pleasant: That sounds easy, right? But far too many men say it’s is really hard to find. Today, men say it’s far easier to find what they don’t like in a woman: sassy, gossipy, self-absorbed, nagging, bragging, adversarial, independent, argumentative, drama-driven, immodest, and immoral.
2. Ask About What He Likes: Many men say they feel like far too many women seem to think a relationship means everything and anything SHE wants. Guess what? He had feelings, wants, needs, and dreams, too! Ask about them. Then remember and do your best to implement them into your time together. From as small as what’s his favorite cookie? Meal? Drink? Ice cream? To planning a trip to a place he’s always wanted to go, these actions will lead to huge bonus points for you!
3. Be Loyal: Men like it when women have their back in public (even if you politely disagree later in private). Guys also say it’s very appealing to know you won’t run him down to others. And you would think it would go without saying, but lots of men say far too many gals leave them wondering if they could be faithful, or would cheat if they got the chance. Men are very loyal minded. Trust is big.
4. Look Pretty: Men are very visual. And they like when women look pretty. Yep. I am not making this up! Skirts, dresses, flattering jewelry, attractive hair and makeup, and other “girly” touches make a guy visually happy. Not that he doesn’t like “the natural you” but he likes “the feminine flair you,” too. And he notices. Not that it has to be over the top. Think Marianne, not Ginger.
5. Be Supportive: Men say they can’t resist those gals that act like a first mate, not ones who war for the captain’s chair. A relationship is you two against the world, not you two against each other. Yet, men say they aren’t looking for doormats, either. Being supportive of his career, goals, dreams, hobbies, and struggles will pay off for you both. Oh and have your own dreams and goals, too. Men like to hear about and help you achieve those, too.
6. Have Your Finances in Order: Guys say too many women they have met seem to spend every penny they have, and then some. Debt isn’t attractive. And men especially don’t like women who seem to have a get out of debt plan of, “Find Price Charming who will deal with it.” Um yeah, nope. A woman who has financial self-control shows good partner potential.
7. Show Don’t Tell: Women tend to verbalize what they are thinking and feeling much more than men do. A man would rather his gal show him how she feels about him by being affectionate, attentive, and kind than by talking about it for hours on end (while not noticing he’s awkwardly wondering how to escape!)
8. Keep It Simple: Women’s minds are always on the go. We enjoy talking out loud with our gal pals, dissecting our every emotion and experience, pondering all the possible options and outcomes, and breaking it all down. Guys? Not so much. Guys are more bottom line. When you REALLY want to make a point, keep it to 5 words or less.
9. Maintain Respect: It’s been said that if they had to choose between respect and love, they would choose respect. Women usually answer the opposite – love. Obviously both are important. But you will get a lot of “street cred” with a guy by showing him respect, and especially keeping your emotional cool during heated moments. Focus on resolving the issue, not attacking his character.
10. Love Him True: Even some of the most gruff guys in the manosphere show a soft side when they talk about love. Men love with a devotion that few women can fathom, it is so different from our own feeling-based love. They say once a man loves a woman, he makes that choice and then will love her forever after unless she actively takes steps to destroy that bond. (And yes, his heart can hurt badly too, so be gentle with it.)
They don’t really sound all that hard to do, nor are they really anything new, buy guys say these traits are extremely hard to find in a woman, yet highly attractive. Why not adopt these irresistible habits?
Let those who have ears hear. And please feel free to add your own thoughts in the comments. Have I left anything out?
Ladies, do you know anyone (maybe yourself) who is in a loveless marriage or relationship?
A comment on a message board by a man whose first marriage failed but his second marriage is thriving because he “games” his wife got me thinking, maybe a lot of relationships flop because people (both men and women) make the mistake of thinking once a commitment is made, wooing, or even just downright good behavior, is no longer necessary?
As I think about the couples I know who are struggling, as well as reflecting back on my own marriage and another serious LTR that eventually failed, in many cases it’s because of that fatal flaw — one or both partners think they now have a “get out of effort free” card. All that effort they spent wooing their mate gets redirected toward other areas in life, instead.
It is a lot of work to attract a partner, as anyone in the dating market can surely attest. I can see why it might be tempting to think all that effort isn’t needed once a relationship is solidified. But I think the opposite is true — couples should never stop dating, never stop wooing his or her mate.
That said, it doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. It really doesn’t take much effort at all to show someone (not just tell them) that they are special, and in fact your very most special someone. An unexpected note in their vehicle wishing them a great day, their very favorite meal made on a non-special occasion, surprising him in lingerie, sending him a racy text while he is on lunch break from work, none of these things require huge financial investment or an extraordinary amount of time, and yet these small gestures can pay off big time.
One SAHM (stay at home mom) I know, who is unhappily married, has admittedly gotten lost in her four children. She puts them and their needs on a pedestal yet doesn’t see the need to do so for her spouse. They have not once gone on a date or weekend away without the kids, much less an extended vacation. She dotes on her children and yet voices outrage that her husband dares voice he’d at least like to be on par with the kids (and really, imho he should come FIRST, not last.) She admits to rarely having sex, and even then in this begrudging “just get it over with” way. Blech.
And while I don’t know both sides of the story, the behavior she moans about, him not being happy, his snippy attitude, his not putting in effort in the bedroom, his not caring about her happiness, I wonder how much of that is a result of her lack of investment? How much is really tit for tat?
But instead of seeing that, she continues to blame HIM rather than to take a proactive approach. He should be prince charming to her princess. When I gently urge her to try making a fuss over him, telling him how much she appreciates his sacrifices (like working a job that requires hard physical labor in extreme heat and cold and miserable conditions, daily, for the past 10+ years so she could be at home with the kids), making the moves on him, or scheduling a date or weekend away, she looks at me like I have gone mad! What? I am supposed to be sympathizing with her, not the enemy!
But I refuse to do it. Because I made the same mistakes in my marriage, and I am now a single mom, and while she thinks I have all this freedom and a glamorous lifestyle of excitement and fun, in reality I know firsthand the grass isn’t greener. It’s not easier to be a single mom than a married one, by a long shot. Trust me on this.
She seems to on one hand be quite distressed that her marriage is so unhappy yet stubbornly wants her husband to take the first steps to make things right. But in the end, in all areas of life, relationships included, you get out what you put in.
And in the end, what is she risking? A little effort needed to stoke the fires of romance and breathe new life into her marriage? The risk that it might not work? Yes, that risk is there. But there’s also the very real possibility that instead of being in an unhappy marriage, she could find herself (and her children) in a happy one. That opportunity is within her grasp. But not if she doesn’t change her attitude.
Love is a verb. Never stop loving your mate. Like a lifetime of slow, small, steady investments, it will likely pay off big time in the end over a lifetime of haphazard big investments of love on the expected anniversaries and holidays and then long stretches without in between.
Ladies, something I hear some married (or more often formerly married) men in the manosphere say is that after they got married, the loving that once was a flood trickled or came to a stop.
Some blame marriage itself. They say that once a woman has her man, she no longer wants him.
While I am sure it may be in some cases, I am not convinced that’s exactly what’s going on much of the time.
Maybe your are too tired trying to do and be it all? Maybe you put everything else first? Maybe your libido is lagging? Maybe you are mad at your husband and so you are holding the sex card to your chest? Or maybe other reasons, there are many possible I am sure.
Whatever it is, I would urge you to get it figured out and get your sex life back on track, for your own sake and the sake of your marriage. (Unmarried ladies file this in the “future to-do” category and get things off on the right foot.)
It’s easy to slip into the mistake of taking your relationship as a for granted. It will be there, right?
Bad, bad attitude, sister. Your marriage and connection to your spouse is the pivot the whole rest of your life revolves around, or it should be. Not some afterthought tacked on when you have an extra minute.
Do you know how often your spouse prefers to have sex? And how? And are you guys doing that? And do you talk about these things, not in bed but when you are both well fed and feeling good and maybe in a playful way rather than treating it like some tense Geneva Convention negotiation?
If not, consider trying it. Or if not asking and talking about, maybe your spouse isn’t a talker, experimenting to figure it out yourself.
Or you can just attack him. Today. Yes, today!
Maybe he’s the one who is holding out. Do you know why? Have you asked? Do you care?
Same advice, put figuring this out on your priority list. Top, preferably.
Why? Because celibacy is something many might strive for before marriage, but should not within it.
Think for a minute how unfair it is. Unless you have an unconventional arrangement of some sort, and if so you are likely talking about sex often anyway, you have asked your husband to be faithful only onto you till death do you part, and you pledged the same to him. It’s not like it’s “ok” for either of you to go out and get some on the side then, now is it?
To be married but celibate is in fact far worse than being single because at least then there is hope the dry spell will end. That there is happiness waiting at the other end of the rainbow.
And here’s a little secret many women don’t know, it’s actually regular and satisfying physical bonding (i.e. sex) that opens up a man emotionally. To him, that is love. And women are said to be looking for emotional bonding as much or more than physical bonding. To her, that is love.
Think of it like a snowball effect: you start rolling the sex ball with no demands of emotional engagement. Just start it down the hill. Soon, it gathers speed and your closed off mate starts opening up and doing things that translate to “love” for you. Spontaneously. Soon it picks up all around. The snowball effect grows and grows. Soon you wouldn’t think of being without that engagement and connection. Happy, happy, joy, joy!
But it doesn’t just happen. Someone has to start the ball down the hill. And since, like it or not, the only person we can control is ourselves, if you want a happy marriage and this is on your heart, well get to rolling, sister.
It might be rocky at first. There may be false starts. That’s ok. Stick it out. Don’t expect anything. Just give.
“Hey, wait?” You may think. You may start to ponder how you should be getting more in return.
Screech. Stop. Hello. It’s not a transaction. It’s something you should give, and give freely. Not something to be traded or bartered or doled out in spoonfuls. It’s not something to be used to get him to do what YOU want.
“But I am not in the mood redpillgirl,” I can hear some say.
Tip: it’s all in your head. Get yourself some female erotica and get to reading. One friend reports her married sex life was never better than when reading the recent runaway success “50 Shades of Grey.” She was attacking her husband daily (sometimes more!), he was loving it, and she never even told him what prompted her sudden off the charts drive. They are still rocking it to this day.
And another perk, sex is good for both of your health. Yep. Reduced stress, reduced depression, lower anxiety, better sleep, reduced risk of cancer, lots and lots of upside await.
Any notions you have that sex is bad, or wrong, or shameful need to be left at the curb. That’s just what people told you to keep you from running around like a jackrabbit before marriage. They forget to add in the caveat, “But once you marry by all means, get busy!”
Even the bible says so! I am not kidding. Consider:
7 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.”2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.6 I say this as a concession, not as a command.7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
(Note: This passage is not included to alienate anyone bc of faith, if you practice another faith and know of a similar passage on marriage and sex, by all means please share it in the comments!)
See, even the apostle Paul thinks if you can’t swear to a life of celibacy you should marry and you should be getting busy with your husband for the sake of both your everlasting souls!
Then consider that he has a much higher sex drive than you likely do, and if you aren’t having sex with him you are either asking him to be some kind of unofficial monk with super human powers or you are basically leaving him wide open to be tempted by porn, infidelity, prostitution, addiction, and other problems you don’t want in your marriage. Hoping it won’t happen to you? Not good strategy.
Sometimes it helps me to listen to music to get my mind wrapped around something. In this case I would suggest:
Notes From a Red Pill Girl 