It’s been said that a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. Fish, you see, don’t need bicycles. Or so the saying implies. But are men really disposable?
As a woman born into the post feminist world, then raised from the age of two by a widowed single mom, I was fairly indoctrinated with this fish not needing bicycles business. I was not raised to be a wife and mother. In fact I can’t remember by mom ever talking to me about becoming either. But I do remember her constantly saying, “When you go to college…” and “When you have your career…”
It wasn’t that my mom was opposed to marriage or kids necessarily, but I believe she said these things to me in reaction to her own experience of losing her childhood sweetheart at the age of 27 and not having any marketable skills or education to fall back on. So she went back to school and she did well by my brother and me, worked hard, provided for and protected us. She was a good mom and I believe she was trying to do her best, raising me to be independent so that if I ever had to stand on my own two feet, I could.
My mom didn’t remarry or date much when we were young. She choose to be alone because she was (and is) still in love with my dad and she feared nobody would be able to love my brother and I like he did. While I think that there are amazing men who make awesome step-dads, I am also glad that she didn’t shack up with whatever man would have her or let anyone ever mistreat us.
I grew up. I went to college. I have a career. I own a business in a mostly male realm. I have accomplished many things. Being female has not held me back. Feminism worked. Or did it?
I am also divorced and a single mom. While that is not entirely my doing, I will admit, among other things, I did not have my priorities straight and put my education and career before my marriage and then my family. I didn’t even question it at the time. I was living the feminist script. Having a man was “optional.” I could do without.
What a foolish, foolish thing to think.
I am not sure if things would have turned out differently had I done differently, and that’s something I will never know. I do know that if I ever marry again, my attitude and priorities will be entirely different.
Women do need men. Men make a woman’s life more stable and secure and safe and easy in so many ways, little and big, I can’t even list them.
Sure, there are men who aren’t good partners or husbands, men women are better off without. But that’s very different than saying women don’t need men, that all men are disposable.
I had a conversation with my mom a few months back, where I shared these ideas with her, and she surprised me by agreeing wholeheartedly. Like me, she’s seen with time and life experience how much easier women with a good man and a happy stable marriage have it in life. A good man is a blessing, not a burden. A woman is wise to know it, and to know how to be a good woman to her man in return.
It’s no secret that the male and female minds work differently, but have you ever heard of the word solipsism? It’s a particular feature of the female mind that somehow interprets all information, comments, and actions as being about her personally.
Now I am sure there is a biological reason women’s brains are wired this way, and that overall it helps women and serves a purpose, but it can also cause a lot of problems and misunderstandings if a gal is unaware of the tendency to think it’s all about her.
Likewise, this tendency can also cause a gal to overlook the thoughts, feelings, and needs of others because she is too busy focusing on her own.
For example, one male commenter at a popular manosphere website described past relationships where he was considering proposing. In both cases he asked first what the gal thought she would get from their marriage. And both times, she was ready with her long list. Then he’d ask what he would get. And he’d get a blank stare. In both cases the gals could not come up with one thing! He said even a reply that was wrong would have been better than realizing they had never thought about that at all. (Surprise! Proposals were not forthcoming.)
Another male commenter described how he was recovering from a very serious accident, barely able to walk or get up without much pain and effort. A former flame heard of his plight and rushed to his side. But instead of paying any attention to what he needed, maybe making him some soup and holding his hand, she ended up getting mad at him because they didn’t have the romantic encounter (aka sex) she was expecting. (This, despite the fact that his entire ribcage had nearly been crushed among other near fatal injuries and he was in no condition to get busy.) She left in a snit.
Another commenter shared the painful tale of his wife suddenly deciding after being married for several years and having children that she, “just wasn’t happy.” She, “loved him but wasn’t in love with him.” And so she left, with the kids. What did he get? To make hefty monthly alimony and child support payments and to rebuild his frivorce shattered world. Despite his reportedly being a good and loving husband.
Noted, there are two sides to every story, but the point here is in all these cases, solipsism actually caused these women to lose. Yes, you read that right. These women actually let their solipsism derail what they wanted. A proposal. A reconnection. And in the third case the woman did not find happiness, instead she found life to be much harder and less stable on her own. Her choice did not lead to happiness for her (or the kids!)
So while solipsism is an inborn feature of the female mind, it does not always work in a woman’s best interest or lead to her making good choices, for others or even for herself. Being aware of this, stopping to think about the bigger picture, remembering it’s not all about her, understanding despite what women are told they really can’t have it all yet not give up anything, and taking the needs and wants of others into consideration won’t just serve other people, it will also ironically help the woman herself avoid a solipsism induced disaster.
In short, don’t be your own worst enemy, ladies. Be aware of solipsism and how it can cloud your thinking. And while you are at it, take any “go girl”” solipsistic type advice from gal pals with a grain (or mountain) of salt too.
Ladies, do you know anyone (maybe yourself) who is in a loveless marriage or relationship?
A comment on a message board by a man whose first marriage failed but his second marriage is thriving because he “games” his wife got me thinking, maybe a lot of relationships flop because people (both men and women) make the mistake of thinking once a commitment is made, wooing, or even just downright good behavior, is no longer necessary?
As I think about the couples I know who are struggling, as well as reflecting back on my own marriage and another serious LTR that eventually failed, in many cases it’s because of that fatal flaw — one or both partners think they now have a “get out of effort free” card. All that effort they spent wooing their mate gets redirected toward other areas in life, instead.
It is a lot of work to attract a partner, as anyone in the dating market can surely attest. I can see why it might be tempting to think all that effort isn’t needed once a relationship is solidified. But I think the opposite is true — couples should never stop dating, never stop wooing his or her mate.
That said, it doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. It really doesn’t take much effort at all to show someone (not just tell them) that they are special, and in fact your very most special someone. An unexpected note in their vehicle wishing them a great day, their very favorite meal made on a non-special occasion, surprising him in lingerie, sending him a racy text while he is on lunch break from work, none of these things require huge financial investment or an extraordinary amount of time, and yet these small gestures can pay off big time.
One SAHM (stay at home mom) I know, who is unhappily married, has admittedly gotten lost in her four children. She puts them and their needs on a pedestal yet doesn’t see the need to do so for her spouse. They have not once gone on a date or weekend away without the kids, much less an extended vacation. She dotes on her children and yet voices outrage that her husband dares voice he’d at least like to be on par with the kids (and really, imho he should come FIRST, not last.) She admits to rarely having sex, and even then in this begrudging “just get it over with” way. Blech.
And while I don’t know both sides of the story, the behavior she moans about, him not being happy, his snippy attitude, his not putting in effort in the bedroom, his not caring about her happiness, I wonder how much of that is a result of her lack of investment? How much is really tit for tat?
But instead of seeing that, she continues to blame HIM rather than to take a proactive approach. He should be prince charming to her princess. When I gently urge her to try making a fuss over him, telling him how much she appreciates his sacrifices (like working a job that requires hard physical labor in extreme heat and cold and miserable conditions, daily, for the past 10+ years so she could be at home with the kids), making the moves on him, or scheduling a date or weekend away, she looks at me like I have gone mad! What? I am supposed to be sympathizing with her, not the enemy!
But I refuse to do it. Because I made the same mistakes in my marriage, and I am now a single mom, and while she thinks I have all this freedom and a glamorous lifestyle of excitement and fun, in reality I know firsthand the grass isn’t greener. It’s not easier to be a single mom than a married one, by a long shot. Trust me on this.
She seems to on one hand be quite distressed that her marriage is so unhappy yet stubbornly wants her husband to take the first steps to make things right. But in the end, in all areas of life, relationships included, you get out what you put in.
And in the end, what is she risking? A little effort needed to stoke the fires of romance and breathe new life into her marriage? The risk that it might not work? Yes, that risk is there. But there’s also the very real possibility that instead of being in an unhappy marriage, she could find herself (and her children) in a happy one. That opportunity is within her grasp. But not if she doesn’t change her attitude.
Love is a verb. Never stop loving your mate. Like a lifetime of slow, small, steady investments, it will likely pay off big time in the end over a lifetime of haphazard big investments of love on the expected anniversaries and holidays and then long stretches without in between.
Ladies, something I hear some married (or more often formerly married) men in the manosphere say is that after they got married, the loving that once was a flood trickled or came to a stop.
Some blame marriage itself. They say that once a woman has her man, she no longer wants him.
While I am sure it may be in some cases, I am not convinced that’s exactly what’s going on much of the time.
Maybe your are too tired trying to do and be it all? Maybe you put everything else first? Maybe your libido is lagging? Maybe you are mad at your husband and so you are holding the sex card to your chest? Or maybe other reasons, there are many possible I am sure.
Whatever it is, I would urge you to get it figured out and get your sex life back on track, for your own sake and the sake of your marriage. (Unmarried ladies file this in the “future to-do” category and get things off on the right foot.)
It’s easy to slip into the mistake of taking your relationship as a for granted. It will be there, right?
Bad, bad attitude, sister. Your marriage and connection to your spouse is the pivot the whole rest of your life revolves around, or it should be. Not some afterthought tacked on when you have an extra minute.
Do you know how often your spouse prefers to have sex? And how? And are you guys doing that? And do you talk about these things, not in bed but when you are both well fed and feeling good and maybe in a playful way rather than treating it like some tense Geneva Convention negotiation?
If not, consider trying it. Or if not asking and talking about, maybe your spouse isn’t a talker, experimenting to figure it out yourself.
Or you can just attack him. Today. Yes, today!
Maybe he’s the one who is holding out. Do you know why? Have you asked? Do you care?
Same advice, put figuring this out on your priority list. Top, preferably.
Why? Because celibacy is something many might strive for before marriage, but should not within it.
Think for a minute how unfair it is. Unless you have an unconventional arrangement of some sort, and if so you are likely talking about sex often anyway, you have asked your husband to be faithful only onto you till death do you part, and you pledged the same to him. It’s not like it’s “ok” for either of you to go out and get some on the side then, now is it?
To be married but celibate is in fact far worse than being single because at least then there is hope the dry spell will end. That there is happiness waiting at the other end of the rainbow.
And here’s a little secret many women don’t know, it’s actually regular and satisfying physical bonding (i.e. sex) that opens up a man emotionally. To him, that is love. And women are said to be looking for emotional bonding as much or more than physical bonding. To her, that is love.
Think of it like a snowball effect: you start rolling the sex ball with no demands of emotional engagement. Just start it down the hill. Soon, it gathers speed and your closed off mate starts opening up and doing things that translate to “love” for you. Spontaneously. Soon it picks up all around. The snowball effect grows and grows. Soon you wouldn’t think of being without that engagement and connection. Happy, happy, joy, joy!
But it doesn’t just happen. Someone has to start the ball down the hill. And since, like it or not, the only person we can control is ourselves, if you want a happy marriage and this is on your heart, well get to rolling, sister.
It might be rocky at first. There may be false starts. That’s ok. Stick it out. Don’t expect anything. Just give.
“Hey, wait?” You may think. You may start to ponder how you should be getting more in return.
Screech. Stop. Hello. It’s not a transaction. It’s something you should give, and give freely. Not something to be traded or bartered or doled out in spoonfuls. It’s not something to be used to get him to do what YOU want.
“But I am not in the mood redpillgirl,” I can hear some say.
Tip: it’s all in your head. Get yourself some female erotica and get to reading. One friend reports her married sex life was never better than when reading the recent runaway success “50 Shades of Grey.” She was attacking her husband daily (sometimes more!), he was loving it, and she never even told him what prompted her sudden off the charts drive. They are still rocking it to this day.
And another perk, sex is good for both of your health. Yep. Reduced stress, reduced depression, lower anxiety, better sleep, reduced risk of cancer, lots and lots of upside await.
Any notions you have that sex is bad, or wrong, or shameful need to be left at the curb. That’s just what people told you to keep you from running around like a jackrabbit before marriage. They forget to add in the caveat, “But once you marry by all means, get busy!”
Even the bible says so! I am not kidding. Consider:
7 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.”2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.6 I say this as a concession, not as a command.7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
(Note: This passage is not included to alienate anyone bc of faith, if you practice another faith and know of a similar passage on marriage and sex, by all means please share it in the comments!)
See, even the apostle Paul thinks if you can’t swear to a life of celibacy you should marry and you should be getting busy with your husband for the sake of both your everlasting souls!
Then consider that he has a much higher sex drive than you likely do, and if you aren’t having sex with him you are either asking him to be some kind of unofficial monk with super human powers or you are basically leaving him wide open to be tempted by porn, infidelity, prostitution, addiction, and other problems you don’t want in your marriage. Hoping it won’t happen to you? Not good strategy.
Sometimes it helps me to listen to music to get my mind wrapped around something. In this case I would suggest:
Ladies, if you have kids and are not with their dad for whatever reason, are you making sure your children’s relationship with their dad continues even if your relationship with him does not?
I hope so, because your kids need their dad. And way too many women make the mistake of pushing him out either out of anger or just because they themselves don’t want to deal with him anymore, but this is a really, really shortsighted and selfish thing to do.
In fact, experts say there are very few situations where either parent should be denied regular time with their children. Kids need both parents, ideally together but if that simply is not possible, then separately. And without ongoing conflict, anger, or bad-talking of either parent. It takes a lot of maturity to co-parent in a healthy way that puts your kids needs over your own, but it is well worth it for their sake.
I know this because I grew up without my dad, who died in a car accident when I was two and my brother was four. We each missed having our dad in different ways, and at many points. Even today, some 40 years later, I still feel and grieve that loss. It’s never “over.” That void is always there, even more so on days like Father’s Day, or when I see a bride walked down the aisle, or do a father-daughter dance. Many times I find the grief is right there, ready to pop out when I least expect it.
Now in my case, there was no option. I cannot imagine how I would have felt knowing that my father was out there somewhere and I just wasn’t getting to see him, or worse was being told he didn’t want to see me. I do know people in this situation and most have as adults reconnected with their fathers despite their mother’s wishes, and in the cases where mom shoved dad out, they harbor real and lasting anger at their moms because of it.
When a relationship between parents ends, so should the fighting and bickering and anger. If you can’t do it, have someone else manage visitation drop offs and pick ups for you until you can. I have many times witnessed a child standing to the side while their mom and dad stand and argue with each other and it is absolutely heartbreaking. Just don’t.
And don’t make shit up. And don’t play games. And don’t stir the pot. Just let it go. Be the bigger person. Show your kids the high road by always taking it yourself. Be that person they desperately need to look up to.
And don’t hold money over his head in exchange for time, keep money and time separate issues, not discussed in front of your children. In fact, remember that little ears hear everything, so never bad talk the other parent around your kids, and don’t let other people do it either because your kids are half that person, and if they keep hearing that person is bad, they will think they are half bad, too.
Trust me, your kids need their dad. If he’s out there and wants to be a part of their life, please, let him be. They need him.
Something I didn’t appreciate nearly enough about my ex-husband was the fact that he often acted like a caveman.
My response to his caveman-like behavior was to try to civilize him, lecture him on manners, or get into a snit.
In retrospect, I can now see that instead I probably should have thanked him, made him a nice dinner, and dragged him upstairs when he did caveman like things such as firing a shotgun off in the yard, usually in his underwear, shortly after we moved into our home, which had been vacant and abandoned for some time and had become a place for local riff raff to congregate, because he wanted to send a message to them loud and clear that the place was now occupied by a lunatic caveman so they best steer clear.
And steer clear they did. And in fact steer clear they still do, to this day, even seven years since I asked the misunderstood caveman to move out. His shadow and philosophy that the best way to deal with crazy neighbors was to BE the crazy neighbor continues to protect myself and his daughter to this very day.
My poor caveman. He was so under-appreciated. I really, really, really do regret that and wish I had understood him better then, and had spoiled him more, and gazed at him with loving appreciation as he stood there, in his underwear, firing a gun, warning off the hoodlums largely for my sake so his silly woman could live in the house of her dreams even if he personally just wanted to ride his motorcycle and not spend every weekend working on an old house just to make her happy.
I really do regret not treating that man much better, he certainly deserved it. I hope his wife (he recently remarried) understands cavemen better than I did. And just picks up his socks, and washes them, and makes him dinner, and gives him good loving with a cheerful heart and resists the urge to civilize or change him. Because I think really, that’s all he ever wanted. He deserves it, he’s a good man, faithful, hard-working, and true.
And if I ever find myself captured by another caveman of his caliber, next time, I know what to do different. Too bad I had to learn that lesson the hard way.
Ladies, do you ever feel like you are speaking French (or Vesuvius) and he is speaking German (or Martian) and there are no translators in sight?
The more I think about it, the profoundly different ways that the male and female mind work, likely create much of the strife in the battle between the sexes.
And if so, I am starting to realize that’s going to take a whole lot of patience, understanding, and hopefully a decent ability to play charades to make that work.
To complicate things further, each gender approaches the other more like they would like to be approached than how approach actually works for the opposite sex.
And then there are on top of that, lots of other problems, including a totally topsy-turvey sexual market place (smp) and marriage market place (mmp) that resembles the wild-wild west.
If any of you know how all that works, please share it in the comments, because I personally am stumped!
But I think it’s in everybody’s best interest to get it figured out. Or if not that, at least back up on all four wheels, ok maybe three good wheels and a partial flat, something better than this anyway.
Recent events have increased awareness of a small corner of the virtual and real world known as “the manosphere.” But what is the manosphere? And what is it all about?
Loosely, as I understand it, the manosphere is a collection of blogs and websites created by men for men where they can discuss issues men face. The topics and content of these websites varies widely, and some are even in direct opposition to each others espoused philosophy or understanding on a certain issue (the most controversial as far as the main stream media likely would be where the manosphere intersects with the female world, and opinions about dating, love, sex, and relationships are the topic.)
While the manosphere is predominately male, that does not mean it is made up of men all in complete agreement with each other or in agreement of any one certain point of view.
Some examples of sub groups within the manosphere include (but are not limited to):
Married men talking to other married men about marital issues
Single men talking to other single men about issues surrounding dating, relating, and marriage
Men talking to other men interested in a lifestyle that does not involve marriage, and in some cases does not involve women romantically at all
Single dads talking to other single dads about parenting and legal issues
Men of all relationship status talking to each other about issues men face in general
Men interested in discussion of men’s legal rights such as paternal rights, divorce law, sexual harassment laws, and the like
Men talking to other men about “guy stuff” like sports, hunting, fishing, motorcycles, fitness, career, self-improvement, and the like
Blogs written by women in reaction to or in support of men’s issues and how they impact women and relationships (some in the manosphere would consider these websites outside of the manosphere, not a part of it, as they are not written by men for men.)
And more…
Are men in the manosphere occasionally angry or bitter? Yes. Do some of these men who are angry and bitter have just cause to be angry and bitter? Yes. Are all men in the manosphere angry and bitter? No.
Is everything written in the manosphere fact? No. Are facts discussed and debated? Yes. Is everything said in the manosphere truth? No. Is the truth discussed and debated? Yes. Do some men in the menosphere hold negative views of women or more specifically feminism? Yes. Do all men in the manosphere have a negative view of women? No. Do men in the manosphere sometimes say shocking things or express views other than the social norm? Yes. Do all men in the manosphere say shocking things or express views other than the social norm? No.
The manosphere is not a hate group, or a terrorist group, or even a cohesive single organization, as it has been portrayed by some in the main stream media.
Put another way, if men getting together and discussing topics important to men seems threatening, one should question whether women getting together to talk to other women about issues important to women is threatening? If they cannot say yes to the latter, they cannot in good consciousness say yes to the former.
In short, the manosphere is men talking to other men about being a man, on the Internet or in person at workshops and conferences. It is a loosely formed male community united around their common identity of being male. It is nothing more, nothing less.
Ladies, something that has become very apparent to me upon lurking about the manosphere for months is that we women are largely riding roughshod over the feelings of the men in our lives, whether they are lovers, friends, family, or co-workers be it intentionally or unintended.
It’s something women would be good to be more mindful of, as we naturally and biologically tend to approach the world according to what we need and want, which has its place, as long as it doesn’t supersede that all the other people in the world (including men) also have a right to needs and wants of their own.
Here are a few specific examples, told by men themselves:
lovers who are very passive in the giving end of lovemaking. Either self absorbed (I need x, y, z to create my ultimate experience and who cares what you need or want) or simply passive (you’re lucky I am letting you have sex with me at all, why should I do any more than that?)
friends or family who meddle in a man’s personal life or affairs from trying to match make them to browbeating them into conforming to whatever YOU think they should be doing or how they should be living
bringing “girl” drama to the workplace and upending the apple cart of productivity
thinking everything they say or do it about you, than about them
taking advantage of male friends by expecting them to be there for you emotionally and so on like a boyfriend, except they aren’t your boyfriend and you never intend them to be
automatically assuming a man will pay for everything when dating or assuming all of his resources (time, money, etc) will be directed toward what you want once married
demanding that everything be perfect before you will bring anything to the relationship in return. All your needs and wants must be met first as a condition of his needs or wants being met
And so on. There are more examples and I welcome any men reading along to add them as comments.
If I have learned anything from the manosphere, it’s that men are much more complex than society at large gives them credit for. They have deeply held emotions, needs, and wants — just like women do. So if you want to improve your interactions with the men in your life, start thinking about what they need, feel, and want and not just what you do.
And here’s an idea: why not ASK him what he thinks, wants or feels, instead of assuming?
The other day I called to check in on a friend who is considering a divorce in hopes that things were taking a turn for the better. But when she started to tell me about “the list” my heart sank.
I know a lot of women think “the list” is the way to go when their marriage (or life partner or whatever term you want to insert) hits choppy waters, but I think it’s a bad strategy and here’s why — men don’t like it when you try to change them or tell them how it’s going to be. Men don’t like “lists.”
Case in point, when I told a male friend about her “list” he launched into a tale of his own experience with his (now ex) wife making “the list.” First her list was a half a page. Then the list was a full page. Then two pages. And soon, the list sounded like a scroll that was a half mile long. And as I listened to how he reacted to “the list” I could see he did what most men in this situation do, anything but “the list.” She may as well have been making him a list of how to push her buttons!
Not to say a woman should not have boundaries and standards. She should. And those should be established early on, your personal non-negotiables, in the dating stage. Those boundaries and standards will vary from woman to woman, but may I suggest at a minimum he is a good man, who believes in fidelity, who has his act together, who is mature, who is wise with money, who has made good life choices, who shares your views and values, who treats you with honor and respect, who gives you serious butterflies, who you think so much of you want to be a better person and to also bring your “A game” to the table, not because he’s asking, but because you are giving and working for it.
A gal in the dating phase should not try to change a man. If after a few dates she determines he is not already these things listed above, plus her personal non-negotiables, someone she would marry gladly and without hesitation, the best choice is to cut loose early and before her heart clouds her judgement. Sticking it out early on is a mistake. Sticking it out early on or trying to make it work then can lead her to the alter with a bad match, and that is not a good thing.
Dating is not just something a gal does for fun, it’s the time a girl should be paying close attention to who and what he is, how he acts, what choices he makes, how he views the world, what his values are, what his worldview is, how he treats her, how he respects her boundaries and limits, how he reacts when he is unhappy with her, how he approaches conflict, if there is strong attraction on both sides, how he treats others, who his family and friends are, will he be a good provider and protector, and so on.
When dating used to be called “courtship” that was the purpose of dating and everyone knew it — she was spending time with him to screen him with one purpose in mind — to find her future husband. That was the goal of courtship. Today, women who are marriage minded would be wise to readopt this approach to dating rather than to just go with the flow. (Side note: in the courtship model he had already determined before courting her that he considered her as a future wife. Men did not court ladies “for fun” then either.)
Why is it wise for a woman to think of dating as courtship? Because it’s how a woman figures out his “frame” and what stepping into his world would look like. That is a woman’s choice, to step into the frame or not. Once she’s committed to the relationship, and especially once married, choosing the frame is no longer an option. It then is about living within the frame. His frame. A wife who wants a happy marriage will remember this. Even when the frame is not what she wants. (Note: Obviously I am not talking about enduring abuse, infidelity, or rampant and unacknowledged addiction. I am talking about where they will live, how they will live, how that will work, what their shared values and goals as a couple will be, how money will be spent, how children will be raised, how frequent sex will be, and so on. If he is a good mate, he will consider her wants and needs but in the end he as the Captain, the leader, and the guide, will make the call. When she choses wisely and well, she does not need to fear his decisions will not be the best for them both.)
(The goal of this blog is to advise women, not men, but as I know women will be wondering what his role in this is and need to recognize it when they see it, I am including that here.) He needs to remember this frame-owning too, and work to set the frame and hold it. A man who lets his woman set the frame sets up a dynamic that leads to a lack of respect and conflict ahead. If he chooses wisely, he will have to be mindful of owning the frame, but won’t have to battle royal with her for it on a daily basis, although he may from time to time have to make corrections is she does start to try. She is wise to make sure he already gets this, as it is not really something a woman can teach a man. He’s already got to have good frame control, to see himself as the able Captain seeking a First Officer.
And what is her role, as a good wife? From what I have heard men say they seek, she is to support and honor her husband, be an enthusiastic partner in bed, to be faithful to him alone, to follow not lead, raise their children, run their home on a day to day basis providing nurturing and sustenance, carefully manage her responsibilities and not make choices that endanger the stability of her family, and to put her relationship with him above all else in importance.
So while a woman should not be so picky that no man could ever make it through her courtship screening, she should be mindful to choose wisely and choose well. She’s choosing who she is going to hand the reigns of her life over to, who she will stand by through thick and thin, who she is going to be there with through riches and poorness, through better and worse, in sickness and health, promising to love, honor, and obey, to be faithful only onto him, till death do they part.
That is a big, big, big decision ladies. The difference between a lifetime of more happiness and fun than misery and suffering, not that there won’t be hard times but when she chooses well and wisely, it will be more easy times than hard times.
She is not choosing someone who is “almost” what she wants, who will be that with a little “tweaking,” or who she will respect as Captain as long as he follows “the list.” I know this may sound pretty antiquated to the modern gal, but that is exactly what today’s feminist-led views on marriage in our society have taught and with half of all marriages ending in divorce, I would not place my odds on that model. That experiment is failing, and failing miserably.
The time to have a list is going in, not on the way out. If you find yourself making a list on the way out, it may be time to humble yourself and think of how you can inspire him to make it work, not to force him to. It’s time for some feminine wiles used in the best of ways — to sustain and strengthen her love relationship not to manipulate it unfairly by issuing ultimatums and demands.
Notes From a Red Pill Girl 