Delivering the Red Pill?

Tags

affair, affairs, break up, breakup, breakups, cheating, co-parenting, custody, divorce, frivorce, red pill, single parenting

In a previous post we discussed a couple with a young child at risk of divorce due to the wife’s Facebook affair(s?)

Much insightful advice was given for handling such a situation. I passed this info onto the husband’s parents and shared it had come from others who had been in their son’s shoes.

They especially liked the advice offered by Deti, and said they had seen a friend’s son do just that and had it work out for him very well.

The question they had, and requested I put to all of you for insight, was how to deliver this info to their son who does not seem to want to talk to his parents, or anyone, about what’s happening.

He seems to want to believe “it’s all fine” and “they are getting along better than ever” despite the fact that mutual friends say his wife is not only continuing to meet up with her Facebook friend, but takes their young daughter along on her trysts. These friends have seen photos of her and the child and the guy since this all came to light.

The son apparently is still defending his wife, and believing her cries that “everyone is picking on her” and “his family doesn’t like her.” They also worry it may be a pride thing, not wanting to admit the warnings of friends and family about his prospective bride were on track.

So I said I would ask. What approach would you take toward delivering some red pill advice to this young husband and father in a way he may be able to hear, and hopefully act upon, to protect himself and his young daughter from years of potential post-divorce drama-fueled toxic chain yanking ahead?

Please share in the comments any words of wisdom, advice, strategy, or links to blogs or websites that you feel may help.

(If you did not read the original post and comments, click on the link to the post in the first sentence above to get the backstory.)

Reflections on Life

Tags

Alfie Evans, children, injustice, justice, life, life support, parenting, red pill, socialized medicine

This morning I took my youngest to the dentist. Because her adult teeth are coming in and her jaw is small, the dentist pulled two baby teeth to make some room so her teeth aren’t too crowded. Plus she got a filling and sealers on all her molars.

I was doing my best, but the idea of her being put under anesthesia was really worrying me. What if something went wrong? What if there were complications? Was it the right choice? (The dentist recommended it, saying it’s less scary for the child and then they could do in one appointment what would have been three otherwise.)

I put on a brave front, reassuring her all would be fine. I could see she was also pensive, but being brave. When we walked into the dental room, she saw all the monitors and equipment and started to cry, refusing to get up in the dental chair. Luckily the kind nurses had been here before and they were able to reassure her and get her to sit in a regular chair, then they put the anesthesia mask on her face while I held her hand and kissed her head. She drifted off and we moved her into the dental chair. At this point they asked me to go out to the waiting area.

After 40 long minutes, and gentle reassurances from several other sympathetic mothers who had been in my shoes before, it was done and she was awake again. No worse for wear. Luckily none of the possible side effects (nausea, shaking, crying, disorientation, etc.) occurred and as far as she was concerned, only a few seconds had passed.

I reflected how much things in dentistry had changed since I was a child. No scary huge needles, no shot, no loud drill, no bad memories. I hope she won’t have the dental phobias I do.

Every time my children go in for a routine and minor medical procedure I think how blessed I am that they are healthy, that we aren’t there for more serious matters. I cannot imagine what parents with children who are seriously or terminally ill must go through.

Like a mom and dad right now, in The United Kingdom, whose 23-month-old son’s life hangs in the balance. Alfie Evans.

Against his parent’s wishes, hospital staff and the courts have decided to take Alfie off life support, and to deny him food and water. A mysterious and undiagnosed disorder has left the child in an unresponsive state for months, with many seizures a day. The doctors have said it is hopeless.

Alfie’s parents have been desperately reaching out for help. The Pope got involved. An Italian hospital is ready and willing to take over Alfie’s care. Italy has granted him citizenship. It is what his parents want.

But the doctors and the courts have said no. The parents cannot even take their child out of the hospital that has effectively sentenced him to death. Armed guards are at the doors to prevent their departure.

For three days and nights after being taken off life support, his mother has held him, and Alfie has remained alive. How much longer without any food or water he will live, is unknown. His parents now just want to take him home, where they can be together in peace. The hospital says no, even to this.

I cannot understand how such a thing could happen. How a medical system and a government could superseded a parent’s wishes, could deny the child’s transfer to another facility who is willing to provide care, at no cost to the system. How could that be denied? And backed up by law? It boggles the mind.

I hope that Alfie somehow defies the odds, his parents succeed in their fight to get him care elsewhere, and that perhaps a miracle answer can be found. And that the madness will end, and the medical people and courts will come to their senses.

Tonight I have my child, happy and healthy and swinging in the late afternoon sun. Seemingly no worse for wear for her trip to the dentist. I count my blessings, and pray for Alfie and his family.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

 

Young Love

Tags

dating, dating advice, hookups, marriage, modern marriage, online dating, red pill, Tinder

This weekend I met a couple who revealed they were on the way to meet his parents. I congratulated them and wished them well. Then I just had to know, “So, tell me how this all began…”

They blushed and then said they had met online. I asked which site, just curious what seemed to be working these days. They hemmed and hawed, said it was embarrassing, and then admitted it was Tinder!

Oh dear. The story deepened. Turned out they had met just a week ago and were so swept up in each other he’d met her family the day before, and meeting his was next on the list.

It is hard to guess ages but I would say she was mid 20s and he was early 30s. Both were good looking and they seemed well matched. A dashing pair.

I overheard them talking about logistics, including his bringing up the idea of a prenup, which she initially opposed and then supported. Things seemed tense for a moment, but then they got past it.

I worried they are diving in, but then I do know a few couples who met and within a week were thick as thieves and are still happily married to this day. Or it could go just the opposite, hard to say.

Will they make it to the alter? Who knows. Maybe someday I will bump into them again and find out?

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Will She or Won’t She?

Tags

advice, affair, affairs, divorce, frivorce, life, marriage, modern marriage, red pill, single dad, single mom, single parenting

A woman I know shared the following tale about her son and daughter in law the other day.

The couple dated for several years before getting married four years ago. A little over 18 months ago their baby girl was born.

He works for the National Guard. She is a part time nursing student and stay at home mom.

A little over a month ago, the wife revealed she was having an affair with a high school flame she reconnected with on Facebook.  She told her husband she was considering a divorce.

A few days later she changed her mind and now says she wants to work on the marriage. It seems that means, “let’s pretend this never happened,” versus actually seeming to regret her affair or wanting to examine what happened. Rather than it being something big, it simply seems to be boredom.

His parents always worried about his choice, as the girl was prone to drama and conflict. The son made excuses for the behavior because of her, “tough childhood” and “parent’s nasty divorce.” She even worked very hard to win over his family before the wedding, saying how all she had ever wanted was a loving secure marriage like his parents have.

His mom and sister fear the wife is only biding her time, lining things up so she can serve him with divorce papers when the time is right.

Shes’s visiting her parents home an hour away more often these days, who also happen to live in the same area as the man she was seeing.

Of course there’s no way to know will she or won’t she pull the plug on her marriage, or if she’s continuing her affair, but it’s not looking good.

I hope she will come to her senses. I wish I could talk to her myself, warn her about what lies ahead if she persists in this foolishness. It only seems easier to start over, but it won’t be. Not even close.

If I could talk to him I would advise he take control of the situation rather than let her drive it, implement some dread and paint a good picture of what burning it all to the ground would look like if she persists.

Will they be another needless, senseless frivorce casualty? Only time will tell.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

30 Years In

Tags

advice, children, dreams, family, life, marriage, money, red pill, security

A couple I know who have been married for 30-some years are a great example of how it pays to stick it out in marriage rather than frivorce.

He works for a large international shipping company and has for most of his career. He gets up at 4 a.m. to go to work and spends his day scheduling and overseeing the routes of some 300 trucks. It’s not a glamorous job but he makes a good living, has a solid pension building, and has provided well for his family.

She was a stay at home mom until her children were grown, focused on their care and education. She helped out in the schools, occasionally working as an aide. After her children were off to college she started substitute teaching, found she had a special affinity for working with visually impaired children, and now she’s got a great job working in this niche. She reversed the more typical career then kids path, and it’s worked out well.

Despite having average income, they have slowly and steadily built a solid base and are financially set with a beautiful home and no worries. They have avoided debt and the stress it can bring. Now they have the ability to travel and enjoy life, thanks to their approach.

They have three grown children who love and adore their parents. All have completed college and are gainfully employed in their career fields. Two are now married, but no children yet. All the kids consider the parents home the central gathering place for special occasions, and they often have all family gatherings on weekends as well. As the clan grows I can see their gatherings becoming a close knit, multi-generational affair.

Two years ago the wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was in the early stages fortunately, but in order to reduce the risk that it might come back she decided to have a full double mastectomy. Her loving husband and children have been right there for her through the medical ordeal, and continue to be as she’s had a few setbacks with related complications from the surgery and reconstruction.

Theirs is a good marriage, dedicated, loving, and supportive. The couple puts their union first over themselves in a mature and healthy way and are devoted to their Catholic faith. They are young and vivacious for their age, an attractive pair. They look at each other with respect and love, so touching to see.

As she told me of her medical struggles it occurred to me how fortunate she was to have her husband and children’s support through that tough time. And how that’s a big perk of being 30 years in, of having built that solid platform for herself by building it for her family.

It’s rare to see these days but so comforting when one does. In a society where everything is disposable, something that lasts seems all the more precious.

Choosing and marrying well and sticking it out may not be the most common path today, but it’s the one I would recommend. I hope my daughters take this path and enjoy the lifetime of happiness it creates.

Self Talk

Tags

happiness, motivation, positive thinking, red pill, self sabatoge, self talk, struggle

Have you ever stopped to conciously think about your self talk? You know the voice inside your head commenting on your choices, actions, successes, and failures?

Most people probably don’t stop to think about what they are saying to themselves, but it’s well worth doing because self talk is powerful stuff.

Self talk seems to have a personality of its own almost. It can be stern, critical, and unforgiving, or it can be bewildered, unsure, and confused, or it can be spiteful, bitter, and angry, or it can be melencholy, sad, and discouraged, or it can be joyful, lighthearted, and fun, or it can be kind, encouraging, and supportive.

The good thing about becoming aware of one’s self talk is it allows you to then ask if your self talk is working for you or against you. You can change that self talk, start to direct it, rather than let it simply run wild.

Today take note of your self talk, Ask yourself if it sounds more like a friend or a foe. If you don’t like what you are hearing, make it a priority to train your self talk in a better direction.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

Addiction

Tags

addiction, enabling, health, red pill, sobriety

My brother is an alcoholic. As in he was once drinking so much and so often that he hallucinated for days and had all sorts of health issues due to trying to quit cold turkey.

In the past ten years he’s been to various rehab programs. As is typical with recovery he will do really well and then relapse, sometimes short term and sometimes full blown.

He’s been doing good for 11 months. Works at the local VA hospital, lives in a home with other men in recovery, goes to meetings. But today, after a seemingly good visit with our mom, he left only to be brought by paramedics back to her house stumble down drunk.

She called me as he was sleeping it off on her couch. What to do? I suggested she get him home, don’t lecture or be all heavy about it in the current state, and then the next day let him know he won’t be meeting her at her house anymore, she will meet him somewhere near his.

She’s suspected for months he was drinking on the sly during his visits. She found empty alcohol containers in the bathroom trash. But she didn’t say, “No, no more here.”

Neither my mom or myself can fix my brother’s issue, only he can take that step,  but we can resist enabling it. We can have boundaries of our own to protect ourselves from his alcoholism. We can say, “No, I am not going to go along.”

I hope he won’t lose his housing, which is tied to his being and staying sober.

If he doesn’t, he could well end up one of those guys with a sign on a freeway exit, living under the overpass. God, I hope not.

Today I prayed with my mom that the Lord would ring him with angels of healing, send Raphael himself to tend to his health. And I prayed for my mom and myself that we would be granted the wisdom and strength to know how to help him in ways that will help, not further enable, his illness.

I honestly don’t know a lot about this topic but intend to read up. Our grandfather had the same issue, but was more functional.

I also prayed my brother will eventually not only belp himself but also in turn help others recover themselves.

What do you think? Have you had similar struggles w someone in your family? Please share in the comments.

 

Look Within

It is far more common in our culture for people to blame others, circumstances, the past, society, or other factors for their trials and tribulations than to look within.

Introspection does not mean self-blame, but rather self-examination. Many times it is our own beliefs, thought patterns, assumptions, habits, and frame of reference that offer the biggest opportunity to improve one’s life. Changing them can change everything.

Whether the issues are at work, home, or play, look within and ask if there are thing you can do, change, or be to affect positive change in your life in these areas?

Chances are in many cases you’ll find that understanding what steps you can take to improve things and doing so will get you much further than focusing on outside forces.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Verify Then Trust

Tags

boundries, dating, marriage, red pill, relationships, risk, self-preservation, trust, truth

Long ago, a noted manosphereain gave me this good advice when evaluating new love or other more platonic interests (like new friends, coworkers, and such): Verify then trust.

In other words, give things some time, slow it down intentionally, let people show you who they are. People may be able to sustain their best behavior for a short time, but if they have ill intent, they will simply bounce to an easier mark than prove up.

People who do have good intent will not even question you verifying it. They have nothing to lose, there is no act. It would not even occur to them.

People who question it or try to make you feel bad about it — no matter how many sad stories of being the innocent wronged they can tell to justify this  (Red flag right there! Never wrong? Always wronged? Time and again? Really???) beware.  Reasonable and good boundaries avoid problems, they don’t create them. If someone has problems with such, take it as a sign.

Verify THEN trust. Not trust THEN verify. Good advice for anyone navigating life. It will never do you wrong, and it can head off all sorts of trouble.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

The Healthy Card

Tags

drama, dysfunctional, functional, happiness, Healthy, personal growth, red pill, self actualizing

Much of life is a series of choices. When presented between the healthy card or not, choose the healthy card.

For example, in relationships one can choose to be emotionally healthy, regulated, supportive, and kind or one can choose to be drama driven, off the chain, unsupportive, and hurtful. One can also in turn choose or refuse these behavior traits from a potential partner.

The same goes for friendships, co-worker relations, relatives, and others. If or when things get hard, one can still choose the healthy card by refusing to participate in unhealthy, dysfunctional dynamics. Somebody choosing healthy often stops the unhealthy, or at least leads the person who won’t choose healthy to take it elsewhere.

If you have trouble choosing the healthy card, it’s something to explore, perhaps with a trained professional. Dysfunctional, unhealthy, or abusive patterns in adulthood often stem from similar ones in childhood. One may have had little choice then, but as an adult one can choose to not haunt themself or others with ghosts from the past. It takes work, persistence, and self knowledge but it is well worth the effort.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.