How Rites of Passage Help Us Grow Up

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adolescent, American culture, arrested development, bad boys, casual sex, cougars, courtship, dating, grow up, growing up, immaturity, juvenile, man, marriage, maturity, MILF, peter pan syndrome, red pill, rites of passage, stages of life, teenager, virginity, woman

A post on another manosphere blog brought up the interesting idea that perhaps some of the problems encountered by men (and women) today are a result of not having defined rites of passage that mark the passage of childhood into manhood and womanhood.

As part of the “X” generation, I would have to agree that it’s not uncommon to see women and men in their 30s, 40s, 50s,m and even 60s largely living as they did in their late teens or early 20s. Grown women dressing in their teen daughter’s fashions, so-called “cougar” women prowling nightclubs for no-strings casual sex with men in their 20s, 40-something year old men still living like a college kid, or men buying red sports cars and dating women much younger are just a few examples of adults who seem to be having trouble “growing up.”

For women, rights of passage have largely been biological events tied to her fertility and ability to bear children. When a girl gets her first period, people often say, “she’s a woman now” even if she is only in her early teens. In the past, families might have publicly announced their daughters were “of age” by hosting a debutante or other event to indicate she was available for and seeking marriage.

For men, rites of passage usually include some sort of sequestering with older men in their family or community and physical, mental, and spiritual challenges that once passed, make him a “man.” In American culture, these often brutal (in women’s eyes) rites of passage have mostly been eliminated and many men report there is no moment when they can clearly feel they went from being a boy to being a man. Likewise, with more and more boys being raised by single mothers, many boys today don’t have regular contact with a male role model who can guide them in learning the skills to be a man.

In the message board discussion on men and rites of passage I thought it was interesting that the men insisted only men can teach a boy to be a man. At rites of passage ceremonies, only men are allowed because the activities that take place are so physically or emotionally challenging, women would likely try to intervene. However, these men insisted that for a boy to become a man, passing such tests was the best path to becoming a man.

Today’s youth have few rites of passage. For both men and women, losing one’s virginity is one. For men, killing their first deer or winning a major sporting event, or getting their first job might be the closest they have to male rites of passage. Many teens move out on their own, not really feeling like they are “men” or “women” yet.

A friend who is a therapist once told me that children getting their needs met in childhood and being part of a secure, loving home is the best way parents can prepare their children to move out and face the world fearlessly, expecting good things and success, while those children raised in dysfunctional or broken homes are more likely to feel unequipped and afraid to take this step and to cling to or long for a longer childhood.

Others have speculated that the baby boomer generation was the first American generation to resist growing up. Rather than to progress through the stages of life: child, teen, young wo/man, married adult, parent, empty nester, then grandparent — many boomers wanted to define their own path creating a culture of perpetual adolescence, the first “me” generation.

Perhaps it’s time to bring back rites of passage? And the concept that life does happen in stages, and that people should embrace each as they come and and then prepare to move on to the next stage and embrace that, each in turn, rather than to try to pretend they are in a different life stage than they are.

What do you think?

Inside a World Without Feminism

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beauty, break ups, casual sex, celibacy, co-parenting, courtship, custody, dating, divorce, faith, feminine, feminism, feminist, gender, gender roles, masculine, parenting, post-feminist, red pill, single parenting, traditional

Have you ever wondered what life might look like in a world untouched by feminism and the sexual revolution? As someone born after all that happened, I often wonder, were “the good old days” actually better, or are people remembering them with rose-colored glasses?

About three years ago, I hired a local 16-year-old girl to babysit my girls after school three days a week. S. and her family belong to a religious group similar to Amish (No TV, music, or Internet but electricity and cars and western clothing are ok). There is a fairly large group of folks in my area who are members of this group, but because they rarely mingle with “outsiders”  most people know little about the way they live or what they believe. But thanks to my relationship with S., I have been given a glimpse into this closed world, and it’s been fascinating.

The religion has its origins in Scandinavia and came to my area at the turn of the century when believers of this faith moved to the new world. Cut off from the church in Europe, this group is still practicing the faith as it was when they imported it over 150 years ago.

They have allowed some “modern conveniences” such as electricity, cell phones,  and automobiles, but shun media like television, music, and the Internet. They do not drink alcohol. Gender roles are very traditional, with men largely employed in the building trades and women taking care of the home and children. They marry young, right out of high school, and have large families, often numbering 10 children or more.

Women do not cut their hair and often wear it swept up in a messy bun. Make up is not allowed, although most of the girls really don’t need it, as they have this unique fresh scrubbed Scandinavian glowing beauty similar to this girl. Most are blue-eyed blondes, although there is a smattering of brunettes and red heads among them.

Prior to meeting S. I, like many “moderns,” had a lot of misconceptions about what life in this faith must be like. I imagined the women were uneducated, oppressed, unhappy, and trapped in a life toiling away in domestic drudgery. After all, how could they possibly be happy, my post-feminist worldviews told me?

But what I saw was something entirely different. S. was very education focused and had attended both public school and been home schooled at her own choice. (Many of the valedictorians at local high schools are girls of this faith.) At the time she started watching my girls, age 16, she was in a program that allowed her to attend community college during her junior and senior years of high school. She graduated with her high school diploma and her associates degree the same week. At 19, she is now one quarter away from completing her bachelor’s degree in early childhood education. She plans to operate an in home daycare.

In fact while many of the women in this faith don’t work outside the home, I have discovered that does not mean they aren’t entrepreneurial. Many work at home administrating their husband’s construction-related businesses, taking calls, scheduling estimates, keeping the books. Others are involved in the vintage flea market trade, buying and refinishing furniture sold through local antique shops. Yet others, like S., go into daycare.

Likewise their homes are cozy and well run. They seem to take a “busy hands, happy heart” approach to life, and rather than begrudge household chores, they seem to revel in them — taking joy in cooking, keeping and decorating house, and doing immaculate laundry. The women seem to have ample time to spend the afternoons visiting with each other, and their homes are a busy social setting with other ladies coming and going.

While motherhood and family are celebrated, in cases where a woman is unable to have children, they do not seem to be shunned or looked down upon. For example, one woman I know was diagnosed with leukemia during her first pregnancy and because of the treatments was only able to have the one child. She’s accepted in her community regardless, although many women of this faith do grieve deeply when their childbearing years come to an end, even after having as many as 13 children, because each child is seen as a bonus and a blessing rather than as a burden. I also know another woman of this faith who is less traditional, quietly practices birth control, and only has two children. She does not report anyone questioning her or judging her for not having more children.

Young adults (men and women) can also decide to leave the faith with their family’s blessings. Once married, however, very few divorce or leave the church. Couples are expected to make their marriages work, and even when unhappy, to find meaning or happiness otherwise and to honor their commitment. Divorce usually results in shunning by the entire church community, so the decision to divorce is not just about their spouse, it is a decision to divorce nearly everyone and everything they have ever known. (However, as a divorced single mom I have never felt judged by S. or her family, either. They have always treated me most graciously, with kindness and respect.)

While make up is discouraged, that does not mean the women are drab or without style. In fact they (and their children) are usually immaculately groomed and beautifully dressed in modest but flattering clothing made from high quality natural fiber, topped off with flair from colorful scarves, and stylish leather boots and bags. Despite the fact that these women are nearly continuously pregnant from the age of 19 on, it is rare for them to be overweight and curiously I almost never see them out and about when obviously pregnant.

The community seems to have a “clan” mentality. When S. married last winter, just weeks after turning 19, her new husband was given a job as an apprentice electrician in her Grandfather’s electrical company where chances are he will work for the rest of his life and perhaps someday become a partner. The clans work together to keep everyone working, and most families have all the trades needed in-house to build a home from bare ground to finished product. They help their own, securing work and jobs as a team. If I ever need a craftsman of any type, from drywall to paving to plumbing to electrical, all I have to do is ask S. and she has a reference for me in under 5 minutes. All of the craftsmen I have hired on her recommendation have done exquisite work and they are exceedingly honest, sticking to the original bid to the penny even if the job takes them longer than they thought.

On summer weekends, these clans can often be seen at local parks enjoying a day off. The women busy themselves with visiting and cooking elaborate spreads while the men relax and talk shop. The children run around in immense packs, and because almost every woman has 5 or more sisters as well as 5 or more sister in-laws, there is a many hands make light work approach. The unmarried young women oversee the young children. My children and I benefit by proxy, in the rare moment when I have a meeting or doctor appointment and S. is not available to watch my kids because of her school schedule or another commitment, she has three younger sisters who always are eager to help.

At her interview S. was a shy girl and it was a joy to watch her blossom into a confident young lady. I would guess she spent most of her babysitting money on clothing, and she was soon sporting a very stylish wardrobe purchased with her earnings. Unlike many 16-year-old girls, S. was not-self absorbed and immature, in fact quite the opposite. She always struck me as very mature and level-headed for her age.

About a year after S. started working for me, her parents started sending her on weekend trips to visit family located in other communities where this religious group has settlements. This is a common practice for young teens, and socials and other functions are held to facilitate the young people finding a mate. S. went but I could tell she was not really keen on these trips. I worried about her and we had several long talks about the importance of choosing a life mate carefully, and that while people were lucky if they met their person young, it was also ok if they didn’t, and that it happens when it happens, and I advised her not to do anything if her heart wasn’t in it.

I did not know it at the time, but her heart belonged to a boy she had wanted to date at 14, but her parents forbid it because they felt she was too young. Last she had heard, he was engaged to someone else. Then one day while driving one of her younger sisters home from babysitting, the sister excitedly told me they had reconnected at a church gathering, S. learned his fiance had broken off the previous engagement, and S.’s parents had now given him permission to court her. The girl who was opposed to courting was suddenly gung ho, and she glowed with happiness as she told me of him and their (very chaste and well supervised) dates.

Within a few months they were engaged and a few months after that they married. My mom remarked she hoped S. would be “more modern” and put off starting a family. I secretly hoped she would not. She looked different the first day she returned to work after marrying, she had gone from being a girl to a woman and she shyly joked her husband was hoping they had conceived on their wedding night. While it didn’t happen that quickly, it wasn’t long before she told me she was expecting and their son will arrive in December, right before their first wedding anniversary. Her husband literally beamed with pride when I congratulated him on the pending arrival.

From what I have observed, S. is a very happily married woman and she is excited about her future. While we have not discussed it yet, I have a feeling her next youngest sister will be taking over as my babysitter and S. will be staying at home with her infant while she finishes her last year of college and starts her in home daycare.

Like the other women of her clan, she will celebrate each stage of her life as a woman as it comes. She’s been a girl, and a young women. Now she is a wife and soon to be a young mother. In time, she will become a matriarch, grandmother to her own children’s children. At a recent clan gathering for a woman from the church in her 80s, an amazing 200+ descendants from this one woman (!) gathered around her to celebrate and honor her life.

I wish S. all the happiness in the world and I feel very fortunate to know her and to have been given a peek into her world. While it might not be for everyone, from where I sit it has a lot of advantages over the very different uncertain and undefined world I have experienced as a woman, and I think for her at least, it’s a perfect fit.

So there it is, a peek inside a world without feminism.

What do you think? How does this world sound to you? Better than life for a typical American young girl? Why or why not?

Reality Bites?

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blue pill, culture, dating, divorce, marriage, reality television, red pill, relationships

I have been pondering a theory about how all this reality television is playing into things in our culture going from bad to worse. It’s almost like these shows just normalize what was once shocking or fringe behavior, unfortunately making it less shocking and thus more commonplace.

The rise of the talk show (like Jerry Springer and such) seems to also tie into this somehow, too, normalizing the bad behavior it is supposed to be bringing into question.

And I know one could argue it started long before reality tv and talk shows but it just seems to me like this type of rubber necking, shock value, bottom of the barrel, worst examples of humanity programming is making things worse, and quickly.

What do you think? Is reality tv harmless entertainment, or part of the problem?

Exploring the Power of the Feminine

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androgeny, attraction, beauty, career, dating, feminine, femininity, feminism, masculine, red pill, relationships, sexism, working girl

As someone who grew up in a post-feminist world, I didn’t think much about many of the messages myself and other women were being told but just accepted them as truths, just like I accepted the sky was blue.

However now that I am older and starting to question these beliefs I think one place where feminism really threw the baby out with the bathwater was with the notion that feminine traits were weakness and to be avoided.

I now question if in one fell swoop that type of thinking actually weakened one of women’s most powerful sources of strength, her womanliness. And it reinforced that being a woman somehow was “less” and that women who want to be taken seriously should start acting like men and avoid acting like women.

There are many examples of this message, such as the power woman pantsuit (complete with shoulder pads to give the illusion one was a linebacker) favored by the career women of the 1980s who wanted to be “taken seriously.”

Women were discouraged from wearing dresses, make up, having long hair, and the androgynous, flat chested, straight waist figures of Twiggy and pre-pubescent looking models like her that followed were deemed “better” (by feminists) than  hourglass curves. To try to be or care about looking pretty was practically a crime and women who did retain feminine appearances were deemed bimbos or victims and all sorts of things.

But really, what’s “wrong” with being a woman? What’s wrong with being womanly? Wasn’t this supposed to be about choice? Why then was being a career woman in a traditionally male field suddenly the pinnacle of success while women who wanted to be mothers and homemakers were openly scorned as “less than?”

I find it interesting that men, on the other hand, (or most, anyway) didn’t seem to adopt a preference for women who acted like men. They by and large continued to prefer women being womanly. Perhaps in some weird way, this banishment of the feminine led to it almost becoming fetishized, only increasing the draw.

It’s kind of a silly story, but case in point. One time I showed up at a friend’s house party (I was about 35 or so) on Halloween but for some reason it didn’t dawn on me that it was a costume party. Everyone else was dressed up and there I was in a long sleeved t-shirt and jeans. So I dug through my friend’s closet, found a cowgirl hat and some boots, shoved two balloons in my shirt, and said I was dressed as a cowgirl with more money than sense, or in other words didn’t know when to stop when it came to breast implants. (I am medium chested naturally, but with the added balloons I was more in the Dolly Parton category.)

Everybody knew they were balloons and that it was a joke. But by golly, I was shocked to find myself the belle of the ball, even though there were gals there is sexier, skimpier, vampier costumes. Guys of all ages from their young 20s to their late 60s were tripping over themselves to fetch me a drink, open the door, and to just hover about. All night there was a circle of men around me, like moths to a flame (and yes, the gals were in a snit.) All because of two balloons stuffed under a plain long sleeved t-shirt. Wow. What?

(Interestingly, the attention didn’t seem sexual necessarily, harassing, creepy, or oppressive. It was more like admiration or adoration for lack of a better term. Like I was a goddess, or something.)

No, I didn’t go get breast implants, but that night was a very interesting lesson in the power of the feminine and the strong draw it has for the opposite power, the masculine.

So ladies, if you truly want to wear navy blue power suits, by all means. But if you are wearing them but secretly wish you could be a little more feminine but are afraid that if you do, that it will somehow diminish your power, let me argue you may just find the opposite.

If you don’t believe me, give it a try. And too bad I didn’t post this before Halloween, but if there’s ever an opportunity to put some balloons in your shirt and see what happens, as an experiment into the power of the feminine, go for it. I have a feeling you will be surprised at the results.

In short, it’s ok to be a woman. Being a woman or being womanly does not make you “less than” anything. Really. Women are great. Men are great. Men AND women can both be great. So be who you are. And if that is a feminine women (or not), by golly, go ahead!

Let those who have ears hear.

YOUR TURN: What do you think, dear readers? Do you think a woman dressing or acting feminine diminish her social power or standing? Or do you think a woman minimizing her femininity increases her odds of being taken more seriously?

Ka Boom Scenario #1: Readers Weigh In

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dating, divorce, hook up culture, ka boom, out of wedlock, Papa don't preach, red pill, relationships, single parenting, teen dad, teen mom, teen parents, teenage parents

Today I am going to do a new interactive type of blog post I am going to call “Ka Boom Scenario: Readers Weigh In.” The idea is that I will post real world situations of ka boom life moments and you, the readers, are encouraged to reply in the comments with your “Dear Abby” style advice to those involved. Ok?

Let’s get started (and don’t forget to leave your advice at the end. I am very curious to see how you all respond!)

Ka Boom Scenario#1.

Family in Teen Parent Crisis (Real life situation, names/details have been changed.)

Setting the scene: Working class dad, sahm mom, married 11 years, together 5+ years before that.  In their mid-30s. Family has four children, 2 are hers from before (18 and 16) two are theirs together (11 and 6.) The couple has been struggling for some time over many issues, including the strife between dad and 16-year-old daughter (not his bio but he’s been there as dad since she was under two). The daughter is admittedly a self absorbed selfie snapping teen, sassy, disrespectful, etc. so he’s not necessarily “picking” on her, but the couple disagrees who to approach handling her.  The couple has split up several times for a few days to a week but so far has always gotten back together.

And then, ka boom!

Three days ago, 16-year-old comes home and announces smugly that she is pregnant. 9 weeks. And she did it on purpose. Because “she wants a baby and to be on her own.” Then she goes and posts all about how glorious it all is all over Facebook. Girl is set on having her very own real life teen mom reality show.

The baby’s father is a 15-year-old drop out born to a teen mom himself who herself has 4 kids, is unmarried, still lives at home with her mom and her own daughter (the boy’s sister)  is  a teen mom with a two year old. (Hope that makes sense, describing the teen dad’s own family situation.)

They (the teens) really had no relationship. It was a hook up. There is no interest on either side to make it a family or to marry or anything like that.

Ok readers, what advice would you give to this family (or actually families, so feel free to advise one, both, or any combo of the above, any person in the situation or all of them.)  Let’s hear your best red pill (or other) advice on this all too common modern day Ka Boom life moment. Go!

(Please note: Comments reflect the view of the commenter only and are neither approved or disapproved by the blog post author.)

Case Study of a Successful Marriage

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abundance, break ups, commitment, courtship, dating, divorce, engagement, family, happiness, marriage, men and boys, men's rights, red pill, relationships, sex

I hope a commenter on another red pill blog I follow won’t mind me posting this, but I wanted to share a case study on a successful marriage based on the many things she’s shared about her relationship that I think are ideas that could help a lot of women build happy and successful marriages.

Please note all of this is based on my observations and what I have read in her posts so I could be getting some of this wrong and if so Liz I apologize in advance and I hope you will feel free to either elaborate on this post or let me know if you would like me to make any corrections.

Liz is in her early 40s and has been married to her hubby for a little over 20 years. They have several sons who are pre-teen to early teen aged. She and her husband met in college where they were both studying engineering. They had a short courtship that began when he asked her to start meeting him for study dates. Soon he made his romantic interest known and they dated for a short time before getting engaged and then married within a few months.

Liz says she was not raised to be a wife and mother and was encouraged by her parents, especially her mother, to put her education and career first like many girls of her generation. She also says she was not raised in a traditional or conservative religious home. Despite this, I find it very interesting that Liz seems to have taken a different path than many women of her generation, a road less traveled. Many times I have thought she had a solid inner wisdom from an early age that has helped her do different and build a happy successful marriage and family.

Her husband joined the military after college and spent his career there moving up the ranks as an officer. They moved many times. Liz decided to forgo finishing her engineering degree in favor of getting married and  supporting her husband’s career. As they moved around, she took classes and completed her nursing degree. She has both worked full time and been a full time stay at home mom at different points in her marriage based on what she and her husband decided was best for their family goals at the time.

She reports her home is the home all of the kids want to hang out at and often has her sons friends over as weekend guests. Her kids would rather be at home than be at their friend’s home and Liz likes and encourages this so she can keep an eye on her boys and his friends and knows what they are up to. Their home is boisterous and fun and loud and she encourages her boys to be boys.

In fact, she’s said she was first drawn to the manosphere and red pill thinking out of concerns for her son’s futures and wanting to do what she could to advocate that schools, government, and society at large take the needs of men and boys into account just as they have the needs of women and girls.

As a military wife of an officer, Liz also frequently entertains her husband’s bosses and co-workers. She seems to enjoy supporting her husband and his career and doing all she can to help him look good and advance. She sees his career as a team effort, his status is “their” status, not something that takes away from her career or her accomplishments or status. She seems to happily take this supporting role behind the scenes and I have never sensed she has any bitterness about putting her husbands career before her own.

After 20 years of marriage, Liz reports being madly, truly, and deeply in love with her husband. Based on her posts they seem to have an active love life, and physical attraction is very high even after many years. Liz reports her husband is very attractive and that many women flirt with him openly. Liz does not seem to be bothered by this, but rather is proud of her hottie man.

Liz is physically active and works out regularly. She watches her weight, eats well, and cares about her appearance. She takes care of her skin and does her best to prevent aging. Liz is a hottie in her own right, something she does to both feel good about herself and to keep her husband’s attraction to her strong. Liz seems confident and vibrant and again she doesn’t seem to resent going to the effort to look good for her guy. She seems instead to enjoy knowing that her hot husband who other women would, in her own words, line up at her funeral to marry, only has eyes for her and she is more than willing to put in effort to keep it that way.

Liz once reported that she believed one secret to a happy marriage was having a short memory, approaching each day together as a new one. She reports they have had hard times in their marriage, and hurts have been had on both sides as will happen in marriage, but she doesn’t dwell on these past issues or hold onto them or bring them up over and over. She leaves the past in the past and focuses on the present and the future.

Liz and her husband seem to have built a solid financial foundation as well, and because they have managed their money carefully even in lean times they seem to enjoy an affluent lifestyle today. Early in their marriage, as many couples experience, they did not have much money and Liz was frugal and did her best to make do with what they had rather than complain about or focus on what they didn’t have. Again she seems to approach their finances with what’s best for them as a family in mind, investing not only money but time and energy into hearth and home, building a cozy nest she and her sons can’t wait to get home to.

I have never heard Liz voice bad words about her husband or to criticize him. If anything she openly sings his praises and from her attitude toward him I can tell she loves and respects him very much.

I have also never heard her voice an attitude of entitlement. She doesn’t seem to think her marriage is about HER happiness, but all of their happiness. She doesn’t seem to think her husband “owes” her happiness or to put her needs and wants above all else. If anything she seems to take a can do approach and it seems like she focuses on putting in, not on what she’s getting out. She’s willing to work to make her marriage work.

She’s admitted more than once that she needs her husband in her life, and that she would never want to be without him. She doesn’t seem to wonder if she’d be better off without him or on her own, toy with “what if” fantasies, or long for independence and freedom. Liz doesn’t seem to consider divorce an option.

I really admire Liz and am truly fascinated by the details she shares about her marriage. I think Liz is a great example of a women who is getting it right and I think if other ladies adopted some of her thinking and actions, they would find their marriages happier for it.

Liz I hope it won’t embarrass you that I have shared all of this. As you can probably tell, I think a lot of you and I wish you and yours many, many, many happy moments ahead! You have taken a path less traveled and I think it has paid off. I hope my sharing your story will help other women do the same in their own life, to buck the current mantra that putting one’s marriage and family first means a woman will be a doormat or get the short end of the stick. I think as your story shows, it’s quite the opposite. Liz you embody what wedding vows really mean, for richer and poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and health, till death do you part.

These two sayings also remind me of you and your approach:

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

and

“An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels.”

And thank you Liz, for showing me another way and for inspiring me in my hopes to do the same.

Let those who have ears hear.

Beware The Greener Grass

Tags

break ups, co-parenting, commitment, custody, dating, divorce, marriage, red pill, relationships

I have been meaning to write this post for some time but have not felt I had the time needed to devote to covering it properly. Well, I still don’t but now I figure I am just going to write something and then I can always flesh it out more in another post because ladies I feel this really this needs to be said: Beware the greener grass.

By greener grass I mean the thinking that getting a divorce is the solution when a marriage struggles, or that struggle is some kind of a “sign” that it’s time to divorce. That life would be better if you got a divorce.

Now that said, I do believe there are some circumstances where divorce is *sometimes* the best option (mainly when there is abuse/addiction/adultery), but even in those cases I have known and seen couples overcome these challenges and end up with a stronger better marriage for it. So even these are not necessarily insurmountable.

But getting back to the greener grass, I would say that a fair amount of the 50% of couples who divorce probably COULD have worked through their issues and ended up in a better place and with the personal growth and knowledge doing so would have led to.

But in our society, what I see is that women are far more supported to leave a marriage than to work on one. The message that “When you aren’t happy, it’s time to move on” is just far too common. And guess what? A lot of time that “not-happy” has little to do with your spouse and a lot to do with your own inner self. In these cases, divorce is not going to solve the issue. It will be there again in the next relationship.

If there *is* a next relationship, that is. According to the statistics, for as many as six in ten divorced women over a certain age, they might end up single indefinitely. This post from a male blogger sums all that data up.

So if you are a lady considering a divorce, I hope you will pause and reconsider. I hope my encouraging you to stick it out will help counter all those “go girl!” voices saying divorce is the answer. (And if you are a man considering divorce, I hope you’ll do the same.)

Because I can tell you, seven years after my own divorce, the grass isn’t greener.

I’ll spare you the nitty gritty but in short, I had every reason to get divorced. My ex was an alcoholic, verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, cold, withdrawn. Then one night, during a stupid argument that was really about a lot more, he raised his hand like he was about to smack me, then instead he threw a beer in my face and shoved me out of the house without our then two-year-old daughter (luckily sleeping at the time) and would not let me back in. I slept at my girlfriend’s house. That night was, in my mind, after 10 years, the final straw.

Good choice, some would say. Heck even if someone told me that story, I might say, “You did all you could. Time to go, girl.”

But what I know now that I did not know then is that he was hurting, badly. For one, he was in deep grief. He had a son from a previous girlfriend and she abruptly moved out of state, breaking all contact with him and his son shortly after we married. (Another long story but because his name was not on the birth certificate, he had no legal rights, or so we thought at the time, but looking back, I am not so sure.) And he was stuck in a dead-end, soul sucking job that he hated. He was deeply, profoundly unhappy and I believe all that was a big part of the drinking and all the rest, not that it made any of that right.

However I will also admit (painfully) that I wasn’t there for him in that time of need, I was not empathetic to what he was going through nor did I offer him much support. Instead, I selfishly focused on what I wasn’t getting, how it was all affecting ME. I picked fights. I threw fits. I made demands. Me, me, me. By focusing on myself instead of on US, I missed the bigger picture. And that I believe was the mistake I made. Had I done differently, perhaps it all would have gone down differently. I’ll never know. And that not knowing haunts me.

He’s quit drinking since and has a new job where he is valued and respected for his skills. He recently remarried. He’s reconnected with his now grown son. He seems happy. And I hope that he is. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish I had waited a little longer, been more understanding, been more constructive, built up my house rather than tear it down with my own hands.

Water the grass you’ve got. That would be my advice.

Let those who have ears hear.

Is That a Yes or a No?

Tags

date rape, dating, hooking up, rape, red pill, self defense, sexual assault, yes means yes

Ladies, you may have heard about the new “Yes Means Yes” (YMY) law passed in California. If not, in short it says that on all state-funded college campuses in CA, any “sexual activity” has to be proceeded by a clear  “Yes” or it would be considered “sexual assault.”

Those who support the law say it will cut down on the number of sexual encounters under the influence where a person (assumed female) didn’t say “No” because they were too inebriated to. The logic goes if she can’t say “Yes” then it’s sexual assault.

Opponents say it could possibly lead to a lot of false allegations and will only further divide men and women.

I think it’s a bad law and I don’t believe it will prevent what it is intended to prevent.

First of all, many of the the terms used in the law, like “sexual activity,” are pretty vague. Does that mean holding hands? Kissing? First base? Second base? Third base? Home run? And what is “sexual assault” exactly? Rape? Any contact?

Second of all, whether or not a person (assumed male) crossed the line and what the sanctions will be will be determined by the college, not by a police investigation and fair trial in a court of law with guarantees of due process and all the accompanying checks and balances.

Now don’t get, me wrong, I think having sex with someone who is so inebriated (or for whatever the reason) they are not able to say “no” or “yes” because they are not conscious of what is happening is wrong. Or in more precise terms, having sex with passed out drunk chicks is not ok. It’s never been ok. (Nor is having sex with a guy who is unconscious ok.) Rape in any form is not ok. It’s never been ok. If someone is doing that, it should be reported to the police and prosecuted, absolutely.

But requiring there to be a explicit “yes” each and every step of the way along the continuum in any romantic encounter is simply overkill, not going to deter a true rapist, and is just not very romantic to be honest.

Ladies, your best protection against sexual assault and rape is to take ownership of your own safety and well-being, not to rely on outside forces to protect you or to set your limits for you.

For example, don’t drink alcohol in excess unless you are in a setting and with people who are unquestionably safe. Getting drunk to the point of passing out at a party where who knows who is there is simply bad judgement. That’s not me saying a person deserves it, that’s just me saying don’t do it. Don’t put yourself in that position. Don’t rely on someone else to make good decisions for you. You need to be ready and able to make those decisions for yourself. Own your choices. Own your power.

Likewise, you’ve heard this all before but don’t get in a car alone or go somewhere alone with anyone you don’t absolutely know and trust. Always take responsibility for your personal safety and take precautions to avoid situations where you could be at risk of sexual assault. Go out in groups. Or meet someone new in a public location. Let friends know who you are with and where you are going and check in with them for safety. Don’t let someone you don’t want to be alone with isolate you. Don’t leave your drink unattended. Don’t drink anything anyone else hands you. Be ready to defend yourself if needed.

And realize it’s a dangerous world. Bad things happen. Bad things could happen to you. Realize that you could get raped. Realize that YOU are the best person to prevent that from happening. Don’t leave that up to someone else, to school officials, to the government, to strangers, to outside forces, to chance.

Again, I am not saying that a girl who makes bad choices deserves what she gets or women who get raped necessarily made bad choices or could have avoided it. But I am saying that by making good choices you can avoid most if not all of the most common situations where you could get sexually assaulted or raped. And you should be making those good choices. That is your responsibility, as an adult. That is your responsibility, to yourself.

I know, I sound like your mom. Or if your mom hasn’t said this to you, she should.

Bottom line, laws like this operate on the assumption that people can’t handle freedom, so government needs to intervene. And guess what? That only leads to less freedom. We women wanted rights. We women wanted choices. We women wanted freedom. And now we women need to take ownership of the responsibility we wanted, not cry “victim” and look to outside forces to do it for us.

Let those who have ears hear.

Are Men Disposable?

Tags

break ups, commitment, dating, divorce, feminism, marriage, mtgow, red pill, relationships

It’s been said that a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. Fish, you see, don’t need bicycles. Or so the saying implies. But are men really disposable?

As a woman born into the post feminist world, then raised from the age of two by a widowed single mom, I was fairly indoctrinated with this fish not needing bicycles business. I was not raised to be a wife and mother. In fact I can’t remember by mom ever talking to me about becoming either. But I do remember her constantly saying, “When you go to college…” and “When you have your career…”

It wasn’t that my mom was opposed to marriage or kids necessarily, but I believe she said these things to me in reaction to her own experience of losing her childhood sweetheart at the age of 27 and not having any marketable skills or education to fall back on. So she went back to school and she did well by my brother and me, worked hard, provided for and protected us. She was a good mom and I believe she was trying to do her best, raising me to be independent so that if I ever had to stand on my own two feet, I could.

My mom didn’t remarry or date much when we were young. She choose to be alone because she was (and is) still in love with my dad and she feared nobody would be able to love my brother and I like he did. While I think that there are amazing men who make awesome step-dads, I am also glad that she didn’t shack up with whatever man would have her or let anyone ever mistreat us.

I grew up. I went to college. I have a career. I own a business in a mostly male realm. I have accomplished many things. Being female has not held me back. Feminism worked. Or did it?

I am also divorced and a single mom. While that is not entirely my doing, I will admit, among other things, I did not have my priorities straight and put my education and career before my marriage and then my family. I didn’t even question it at the time. I was living the feminist script. Having a man was “optional.” I could do without.

What a foolish, foolish thing to think.

I am not sure if things would have turned out differently had I done differently, and that’s something I will never know. I do know that if I ever marry again, my attitude and priorities will be entirely different.

Women do need men. Men make a woman’s life more stable and secure and safe and easy in so many ways, little and big, I can’t even list them.

Sure, there are men who aren’t good partners or husbands, men women are better off without. But that’s very different than saying women don’t need men, that all men are disposable.

I had a conversation with my mom a few months back, where I shared these ideas with her, and she surprised me by agreeing wholeheartedly. Like me, she’s seen with time and life experience how much easier women with a good man and a happy stable marriage have it in life. A good man is a blessing, not a burden. A woman is wise to know it, and to know how to be a good woman to her man in return.

Let those who have ears hear.

Do Women Prefer Bad Boys?

Tags

alpha male, bad boys, beta, courtship, dating, red pill, relationships

A post by a fellow male blogger on women and bad boys has me thinking, do women really prefer bad boys? And if so, why?

If you haven’t read the linked to blog above, I highly recommend it as the rest of this post will make a lot more sense if you do.

I think the author is right about the primal draw of the bad boy, historically. Not so long ago, dinner didn’t come from the store and civil unrest was a fact of life. Birth control was also non existent, so sex = babies, and babies = a woman’s ability to take care of it all herself is highly compromised. Hunt or fight off foes with a howling baby (or several) in tow while taking breaks to nurse and clean up poopy butts? I don’t think so.

Back then woman needed man much more than man needed woman. (And some would argue this is true even today, and I might agree.) And preferably woman needed a man who could hunt and protect her and their children. Enter the bad boy meme.

Now back then he wasn’t so much a bad boy as probably an average guy. Perhaps there were a few shaman types who stayed back at camp and practiced medicine and led spiritual rituals but for the most part all the other men were hunters, warriors, and laborers. And likely all three. That was the “job” of a man.

Women had babies, took care of children and the elderly, cooked and prepared food, made clothing, kept up the camp, packed up and moved the camp, gathered plants and roots, and so on. That was the “job” of the woman.

Then agriculture happened, then industrialization, then specialization. Somewhere in there came money, and the disconnect from every man and woman being self sufficient but part of a larger whole, using money earned at a job to barter for goods needed to survive.

Today’s accountant (no offense to accountants, just picked a random job to illustrate) doesn’t hunt to put food on the table or fight off foes and perhaps even hires out his labor like yard work, building, and fixing things. The accountant understands money, and earns money, and so can provide and protect in today’s society. But what if society collapsed? How well would the average accountant do?

And thus, my theory is, creates the appeal of the bad boy. If shtf, I think women still understand in a primal and ancient way that the bad boy is going to be able to provide and protect. The bad boy isn’t worried about the ethics of doing what needs done. The bad boy isn’t going to shun violence, or have issues with killing animals to eat, or even lose sleep over stealing from someone else if he has to.

So who is the better bet? Logically, it’s the accountant. Instinctively, it’s the bad boy.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating women start corresponding with dangerous felons or even choosing an unemployed thug over a gainfully employed accountant. I am just saying, if you find yourself drawn to the bad boy, this is probably why.

Ideally a gal can cover her bases by seeking a gainfully employed guy with good character who is solid and true, but also has a bad boy edge and could do what it takes if he had to.

And guys, if you are more the accountant than the bad boy, don’t be afraid to let your inner caveman out to play. Hunt. Fish. Climb rocks. Shoot guns. Raise and slaughter chickens. Play sports. Build fires. Brew beer. Howl at the moon. Hit stuff with sticks. Throw rocks. Be stinky and dirty every now and then. Let your beard get scruffy occasionally. Get back in touch with your neanderthal side. Chicks dig it. Even if your mom told you they don’t!

Let those who have ears hear.