Guys Don’t Like Sluts

Tags

alpha male, bad boys, bad girl, casual sex, dating, good girl, hooking up, hookups, marriage, red pill, relationships, slut, slut shaming, virginity

I don’t have much time to write this, so I probably won’t do this topic justice but I will try — short version, guys don’t like sluts.

In a world where people say, “Don’t slut shame” it’s not a message you hear very much, but I have heard many a man say so around the manosphere.

Young women are sold this message that to have sex “like a man” with whoever and whenever you want is “empowering.” What’s good for the gander is good for the goose, right?

But what this theory leaves out is that it’s not as easy for men to find women to have sex with as it is for women to find men to have sex with. All guys aren’t just going out and having casual sex whenever they want. They may wish, but even seasoned players like this guy, who literally makes a living trying to get laid and teaching other guys how to do it too, will admit, even for him, it can be hard to get sex.

The reality is the men women are having sex with aren’t “the average guys.” In the real world, about 20% of guys are getting 80% of the casual sex action. The top guys. The guys all gals want. Even the good looking but average guys, not so much.

Meanwhile even average to below average looking girls can pretty easily find someone to have sex with. He likely won’t want a relationship, or to marry her, but he’ll have a go. Maybe even more than once. Maybe he will even add her to his booty call list. He won’t judge her for sleeping with him. He’ll actually encourage it. It’s in his best interest. But is it in hers?

You see, women make the mistake of *projecting* it’s just as easy for guys to get laid as it is for girls. But it’s not.

And, the guys in the 80% who want to have a girlfriend, a wife, and regular sex who aren’t getting it, they do care if a girl is a slut. In fact, she doesn’t even have to be “a slut.” They care if she’s even semi-promiscuous. They care how many other men she’s slept with. They care if she’s ok with casual sex or one night stands. And if she is they value her less, as a potential serious partner, for doing these things.

There, I said it. I have a feeling it is not a popular thing to say, but I think far too many women don’t realize this, at their own doom. Ladies, I am not telling you what to do with your body, but I am telling you the “nobody cares anymore” thing is a myth.

Why do men care? It’s actually not about a moral judgement, although that’s what kept women from sleeping around in millennia past. It’s biological. Even in a world with birth control, this is ancient programming and not easily overwritten. In the past having sex meant making babies. And if a woman was having sex with multiple men, she was a risk.

See, a women knows 100% that a baby in her belly is hers. A man, especially in the days before over the counter paternity tests, does not. He’s taking a big risk and is putting a lot of faith in the gal to believe that’s HIS baby. This is a hard concept for women to grasp I think, because they would never be in that situation.

But imagine if you went to the hospital and had a baby. And then they just handed you a random baby from the nursery, and said the baby was yours. Sure, you would think the baby was cute, and you would probably love it and care for it, but wouldn’t you really want to take home and raise YOUR baby? Wouldn’t you wonder if it was your baby, and if not where your baby was and how it was doing? So why would a guy not feel the same?

That’s why men don’t like sluts. Or as a male friend put it, “Oh we like sluts, but not for a girlfriend or wife.”

Men value loyalty and fidelity very, very highly. If you want a good man, you should be protecting your asset, which is your self. Women hold the key to sex. Likewise, men hold the key to commitment. This used to be the trade – sex for commitment. But in a world where women are handing out their key, men are withdrawing their side of the deal as well. Fair is fair.

This post may bring on a hail of hate rain, I am talking a big risk calling a spade a spade here, but if you don’t believe me, just ask the guys. They will tell you it’s true. I am only trying to help women understand it, for their own sake, before it’s too late and her only option left is dealing with the fallout.

Let those with ears hear.

The Return of Masculinity?

Tags

alpha male, dating, manly, marriage, masculine, red pill, relationships

Last night at a meeting with my biz colleagues (mostly male) I noticed a curious fact, almost all of them were sporting noticeable facial stubble. Even the ones who are usually the clean cut sort.

Could it be masculinity is making a comeback? The manosphere is going mainstream? That’s it’s OK for men to be men again?

Oh please, say it is so!

I am all for men being men, and unapologetically so. Enough with the yes mamn, whatever you say dear, hair product wearing, never breaking a sweat, hairless, androgynous guys who carry purses and say “it’s a satchel,” or worse admit it is a man purse. Enough. Just don’t.

Women (or moms) may say women like men to be like that, but really they don’t.

What do they like? Men being men. Men acting like men. Men dressing like men. Men smelling like men. (Good God, I can feel my eggs popping right now just thinking about this!)

The feminine craves the mas·cu·line: having qualities or appearance traditionally associated with men, especially strength and aggressiveness.

“he is outstandingly handsome and robust, very masculine”

synonyms: virile, macho, manly, muscular, muscly, strong, strapping, well built, rugged, robust, brawny, heavily built, powerful, red-blooded, vigorous; hunky, testosteronic

Yep. You heard it here first. Masculinity is back in style, at long last! (I hope!)

Of course there’s more to it than just being hairy, but it’s a good start.

What do you think ladies? Am I the only one thinking this?

 

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Is a Woman’s Work Ever Done?

Tags

career woman, dating, divorce, feminism, marriage, modern woman, mother, single mom, stay at home mom, wife, working mom

In the early 1980s there was a perfume called “Enjoli” that was sold as capturing the essence of the post-feminist “modern woman” in a bottle. The commercial’s jingle went like this:

I can bring home the bacon

Fry it up in a pan

And never ever ever let you

forget you’re a man

Cause I’m a wooooman, Enjoli!

(And it continues so if you like, you can watch the whole commercial here. My apologies to readers who now can’t get the jingle out of their heads.)

Yep, she lived life to the fullest, she was the 24/7 woman. She could have a career, keep house, entice her man, read the kids a bedtime story while her man made dinner, and then they would hop in the sack and finish off the perfect day with some hot sex.

I was thinking back on this commercial over the weekend while I felt myself trying to keep up with this “have it all” lifestyle expectation and feeling like a miserable failure as it was one step from chaos collapse on all fronts. And once again was wondering is it just me who can’t cut it, or does any woman really “have it all?”

It brought to mind a trip I made to China and Hong Kong when I was around 27 years old. I traveled with my mom’s twin sister and her husband, who was born in China and raised in Hong Kong (they married when he was in the U.S. to go to college).

Thanks to my uncle, I got to see life in Hong Kong and China “from the inside” as we were welcomed guests into many of his family and friend’s homes.

Now at that time Hong Kong had only recently been handed back over to China by the British and the two cultures had not yet commingled much. Hong Kong was uber modern, densely packed, and it seemed like everyone worked 12+ hour days. I thought I had seen capitalism in the United States, but it paled in comparison to the capitalism that was Hong Kong. It was an island with seemingly one purpose — money, money, money.

One woman who was married to a good friend of my uncle had us over for dinner. She was a career woman, and like most households in Hong Kong, they had live in Philippine housekeepers. This woman was calm, collected, and stylish. Their apartment was impeccably furnished and had an amazing view of the city and the bay of Hong Kong.  At one point during the evening she turned to me, looking somewhat aghast, and said, “How do American women do it?”

Confused, and worried this was another curious interrogation about Monika Lewinski, I stammered something along the lines of, “Do what?”

“Why have a career and keep a house, too?” she responded. “How could anyone possibly think they could DO both?”

It was the first time I had ever heard anyone ask that question. The discussion went on and we came to the conclusion that it was the labor laws and minimum wage that made it impossible for American women who were not in the upper class to have live in help. Yet, I realized, we were still expected to perform somehow as if we did. Interesting.

In China, we visited my uncle’s youngest sister, born to his father’s second wife and secretly raised by her mother and supported by their father in China unbeknown to the rest of the family until his father’s death. (Multiple wives were not that uncommon in China just a generation before, and so my uncle’s mother and he and his siblings embraced her as their sister and they are now one big happy family, including the two wives!)

I got the feeling that this sister had lived a more privileged life than the average Chinese girl. She was well educated and had married a star of the Bejing Opera (Sort of the equivalent to a rock star in the United States.) She had been a career girl before she married but stopped working when she married. Her husband was away traveling, but we visited her, her mother, and the sister’s cute as a button one year old son. Also there was her live in nanny/housekeeper, a young girl from a poor rural village.

As the sister excitedly entertained us with stories of her life, her mother and housekeeper prepared and served us a wonderful tea. The baby sat with his mother when he was happy and content, but the minute he was hungry or fussy or dirty he was whisked away by grandma or the nanny, only to return when he was happy and content again.

The sister looked at me (I did not have children at that time) and remarked quite dramatically, “How could a woman possibly take care of more than ONE child? I am exhausted!”

Again, I did not know what to reply. Few American women had anywhere near the round-the-clock and live in type of support this “exhausted” young mother had.

These two moments from years ago came back to me this weekend, as I felt incredibly stretched trying to run my business during one of the busiest three day tourist weekends of the year, then scrambled about each morning trying to find some clean clothes and did load after load of dishes each night. I went out to eat twice with my new beau and tried my best to be alert and attentive even though what I really wanted to do was hide from the world and sleep. Great guy that he is, he completely understood (and even unloaded the dishwasher).

All weekend that stupid Enjoli jingle kept going through my head, mocking me for not being able to do it all and be it all while smiling and looking breezy.

But today I am starting to wonder, is it really me? Do I just “not get it?” Or is it just impossible? Can a woman really have it all, without paying someone else to do part of what women’s work used to be?

Born in the early 1970-s, I’ve never known a life where I wasn’t expected to get a education, have a career, do and be it all. In many ways I am the Enjoli woman, all grown up. And quite frankly, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. So I am just going to say it, based on my experience and the frenzied lives of women around me who have tried to follow the same path, what a crock! Where do I get the last 20 years back?

Or maybe I am wrong. What do you think? Is the empowered and fulfilled post-modern feminist reality, or was it a myth all along? Or was it maybe, in America anyway, only reality for the few women born into a class who could afford live in help to do the work women have always done so they could live the Enjoli dream?

Guest Post By Ezzy: The Secret to Choosing Your Man

Tags

advice to a daughter, dating, divorce, marriage, red pill, relationships

The following comment was posted in response to another blog post but I felt it worthy of its own guest post.

This comes from “Ezzy” who is a happily married woman living in New Zealand, the secret advice her mother gave to her and hers before that and the advice “Ezzy” gives her own daughters on how to choose a man to marry. Enjoy!

—————————————–

“I followed the advices my mother had received from her mother, and so on, going back many generations. I have passed the same advices to my daughters. I was told these advices were too precious to be owned, that each woman was a caretaker of them until she passed them on to the next caretaker. On seeing her daughter heed them, the weight of responsibility becomes sunlight on a mother’s shoulders.

My ancestors knew all about female ‘group think’ (as it is now called) long ago, except they decided to apply it vertically (through the generations) rather than horizontally (across present generations). They saw the vertical approach as a strength and the horizontal as a fatal flaw. We draw our strength from all woman before us who have heeded the advices. All women have the capacity to carry them within.

Love a man for his character, that is the base, and all else is ‘learning steps’ about each other, some delightful, some painful. Feel it from the wisdom of women who committed to men of good character in the past. This was instilled in me so strongly, good character became the romance of my dreams at an early age. My imaginary Prince Charmings thrilled me with their integrity, empathy, steadfastness and power of good character. I married a man who could not have taken my heart had he not been first and foremost a good man.

Once committed, for as long as he stands to the contract and he shows his commitment by his words and actions, we will honor it. Whenever we start to feel critical or impatient, or (most fatally of all) start ‘comparing our lot’, we feel the support of the sisterhood who started failing in the past and yet stayed strong.”

Required Reading for Dating Success

Tags

bad boys, break up, break ups, causal sex, commitment, courtship, dating, dating success, divorce, hookups, how men think, marriage, monogamy, red pill, relationships, single independant woman, what guys want, what men want

Ladies, you’ve likely heard of the book “The Rules” but have you heard of the blog “The Rules Revisited?” If not, may I humbly suggest you go there right now and get to reading? (Well OK, maybe finish reading this first…)

The blog’s author, Andrew, doesn’t pull any punches when it comes to telling it how it is from a guy’s point of view, but if you can set aside reacting to what he’s saying emotionally, I guarantee you will learn things about men and dating that you have never seen, heard, or read anywhere else.

When I stumbled across his blog about a year ago, trying to figure out the puzzling behavior of someone I had just broken off with at the time, it was like having a light click on. I realized much of what I have been told about how dating works (usually by women authors) simply wasn’t true. And while some of what Andrew had to say hit close to home, I couldn’t stop reading. Suddenly a lot about men and dating that had never made sense before came together. I read every post.

Mostly Andrew points out the things he sees women doing wrong or the mistakes they are making when it comes to relating to men as well as revealing from a man’s point of view how they feel about dating and relationships and how a gal can make herself stand out from the crowd.

His blog also taught me what signs to watch for that revealed if a guy was just looking for fun, or if he was looking for a future. And his blog taught me that to find what I wanted, I had to be very focused and willing to cut bait early into dating someone new if I saw those signs, to be brutally honest with myself, rather than to stick it out and hope for the best, while meanwhile allowing guys who liked me or were attracted to me but who had no interest in commitment or a shared future tie up my time or availability to meet someone who was. Ruthless? Maybe. Smart? Absolutely.

Another thing I learned was that at 42, I did not have any time to waste. Lots of men still wanted to date me, but I learned I needed to shift my focus from the larger pool of guys who wanted to “just date” to the much smaller pool of guys who were looking to marry.  I realized if I wanted to find someone and get remarried, the time to make that happen was NOW. Yesterday, actually, because at 42 the odds were rapidly shifting against my favor. And I learned whatever marks against me I had in my “value” were my responsibility to compensate for or overcome if I wanted to find my best possible mate. And of course, to also recognize that there is a lot of competition for those great guys, so if I wanted one, I had to be all in. No games.

I cannot say enough how much this blog taught me. If it were not for his writings I am sure I would still be making the same old mistakes instead of currently dating a great guy who is all in, and who is not afraid to talk about or plan our future, together.

Likewise, if it were not for Andrew’s blog, I probably would not have had my head on straight enough to know it wasn’t only about finding him, it was also about  being the kind of woman a man like him was looking for. I brought (and bring, every single day) my best, too. Not a bunch of silly girl games and drama like “The Rules” and other dating advice books encourage.

Trust me ladies, Andrew tells it like it is but if you don’t want to waste time and energy on relationships that will go nowhere and instead to find one that will, check his blog out!

Let those who have ears hear.

10 Surprising Things Guys Like in a Women

Tags

beauty, casual sex, commitment, courtship, dating, divorce, gender, gender roles, happiness, heartbreak, infidelity, love, marriage, men, red pill, relationships, romance, sex, strong independant female, submission, true love, what men want

In the past year or so that I have been lurking about the manosphere reading what men have to say about love, marriage, relationships, and women, I have learned some surprising things, like they wish women would:

1. Be pleasant: That sounds easy, right? But far too many men say it’s is really hard to find. Today, men say it’s far easier to find what they don’t like in a woman: sassy, gossipy, self-absorbed, nagging, bragging, adversarial, independent, argumentative, drama-driven, immodest, and immoral.

2. Ask About What He Likes: Many men say they feel like far too many women seem to think a relationship means everything and anything SHE wants. Guess what? He had feelings, wants, needs, and dreams, too! Ask about them. Then remember and do your best to implement them into your time together. From as small as what’s his favorite cookie? Meal? Drink? Ice cream? To planning a trip to a place he’s always wanted to go, these actions will lead to huge bonus points for you!

3. Be Loyal: Men like it when women have their back in public (even if you politely disagree later in private). Guys also say it’s very appealing to know you won’t run him down to others. And you would think it would go without saying, but lots of men say far too many gals leave them wondering if they could be faithful, or would cheat if they got the chance. Men are very loyal minded. Trust is big.

4. Look Pretty: Men are very visual. And they like when women look pretty. Yep. I am not making this up! Skirts, dresses, flattering jewelry, attractive hair and makeup, and other “girly” touches make a guy visually happy. Not that he doesn’t like “the natural you” but he likes “the feminine flair you,” too. And he notices. Not that it has to be over the top. Think Marianne, not Ginger.

5. Be Supportive: Men say they can’t resist those gals that act like a first mate, not ones who war for the captain’s chair. A relationship is you two against the world, not you two against each other. Yet, men say they aren’t looking for doormats, either. Being supportive of his career, goals, dreams, hobbies, and struggles will pay off for you both. Oh and have your own dreams and goals, too. Men like to hear about and help you achieve those, too.

6. Have Your Finances in Order: Guys say too many women they have met seem to spend every penny they have, and then some. Debt isn’t attractive. And men especially don’t like women who seem to have a get out of debt plan of, “Find Price Charming who will deal with it.” Um yeah, nope. A woman who has financial self-control shows good partner potential.

7. Show Don’t Tell: Women tend to verbalize what they are thinking and feeling much more than men do. A man would rather his gal show him how she feels about him by being affectionate, attentive, and kind than by talking about it for hours on end (while not noticing he’s awkwardly wondering how to escape!)

8. Keep It Simple: Women’s minds are always on the go. We enjoy talking out loud with our gal pals, dissecting our every emotion and experience, pondering all the possible options and outcomes, and breaking it all down. Guys? Not so much. Guys are more bottom line. When you REALLY want to make a point, keep it to 5 words or less.

9. Maintain Respect: It’s been said that if they had to choose between respect and love, they would choose respect. Women usually answer the opposite – love. Obviously both are important. But you will get a lot of “street cred” with a guy by showing him respect, and especially keeping your emotional cool during heated moments. Focus on resolving the issue, not attacking his character.

10. Love Him True: Even some of the most gruff guys in the manosphere show a soft side when they talk about love. Men love with a devotion that few women can fathom, it is so different from our own feeling-based love. They say once a man loves a woman, he makes that choice and then will love her forever after unless she actively takes steps to destroy that bond. (And yes, his heart can hurt badly too, so be gentle with it.)

They don’t really sound all that hard to do, nor are they really anything new, buy guys say these traits are extremely hard to find in a woman, yet highly attractive. Why not adopt these irresistible habits?

Let those who have ears hear. And please feel free to add your own thoughts in the comments. Have I left anything out?

Why Do We Follow The Herd?

Tags

alpha, alpha female, alpha male, apex alpha, beta, blue pill, divorce, economy, feminism, group think, herd, red pill, sexual revolution, social norms

You might remember as a kid hearing your mom say something along the lines of, “Just because everyone else jumps off a cliff, that doesn’t mean you have to, too.”

And yet, it’s hard to deny that there’s a powerful pressure to run with the pack if you want to fit in. People (and some would say especially women) care a great deal about how others think of them.

In this insightful essay about the hierarchy of the herd, the author explores why this is and how this herd mentality drives social norms, movements, and individual behavior more than we may consciously realize.

One thing the red pill philosophy encourages is to question everything you think you know is true. And when you do, before long chances are you’ll come to the very uncomfortable realization that a lot of what you thought was true actually isn’t. And that a lot of the thoughts and decisions you thought were your own, aren’t.

It can be such an uncomfortable experience that many would rather deny, deny, deny than face the truth. Even if what they are doing isn’t working. Even if what they are doing will never work.

As the above essay points out, there can also be stiff penalties for not following, speaking out against, or going against the herd.  Even when the herd is headed right toward a cliff.

For example, I would argue that the herd is currently headed (stampeding, really)  in a very dangerous direction. The herd is destabilizing, derailing, and destroying much of what made our society work, relationships and marriages work, families work, our economy work, our government work, our schools work, western civilization work.

Look around. Examples of this are everywhere. (This next part is admittedly America-centric but I am an American woman so it is what I know.) In a country where people have experienced unparalleled prosperity and freedom, we are instead of rising to the top, racing to the bottom. Why? The herd.

Mark my words, there is a cliff straight ahead. Whether you believe me or not, the law of gravity applies just the same.

Let those who have ears hear.

——————————————

But that’s just what I think. What do you think? Are things getting better, or worse? Why or why not?

Meet Your Inner Hamster

Tags

adultery, bad boys, break ups, casual sex, cheating, crisis, divorce, hamster, marriage, one night stand, ONS, red pill, relationships

There’s a saying in the red pill world for what happens when someone lets their mind rationalize taking actions they know they shouldn’t — listening to the hamster. If you get caught or your actions lead to consequences, the hamster is there to help you explain it away or to blame it on anyone but yourself.

The hamster is that little voice that says, “Go ahead, you deserve it,” or “Normally you shouldn’t do that, but because of X, Y, Z it’s OK.” Think of it as similar to the old imagery of having an angel sitting on one shoulder advising you to do what’s right, and a devil sitting on the other shoulder urging you to give in to temptation. The hamster would be the one dressed in red.

Some might say to “hamster” is a female thing, but I have seen men do it too. I’d say everyone “hamsters” now and again, and some make it practically a way of life. Being aware of the hamster is a good first step in making sure it doesn’t just hop on that wheel and spin, spin, spin you right into making bad choices and life altering decisions.

For example, many people who have affairs let their hamsters talk them into it. They feel an attraction to someone other than their spouse, and instead of realizing that every now and then it’s going to happen, but remembering they committed to their spouse, so they choose not to act on the attraction, they let the hamster get going and the literally talk themselves into why “it’s OK, under the circumstances” for them to cheat. The hamster leads them right into a divorce.

Another example might be the single person who talks themselves into having a one night stand with the sexy stranger they met at the nightclub. “Nobody will ever know,” the hamster might say. Or “Everyone else is doing it, why should they have all the fun?” Or even, “Having sex with whoever you want whenever you want is normal and healthy and empowering.” The hamster leads them right into a sexually transmitted disease or an unplanned pregnancy.

Other times the hamster leads you astray in smaller ways, like putting off doing something you know you need to get done, or encouraging you to cut corners that shouldn’t be cut, or to let your wants steer your priorities over your needs.

Your hamster also has no loyalty. Other people can actually use your hamster against you, purposely feeding it pellets to get you to do what they want you to do, even though they know and you know you shouldn’t.

See that’s the trouble with the hamster. It always gives bad advice. Self destructive advice. Life imploding advice. The hamster doesn’t care if it causes you to lose your job, your reputation, your family, or even your freedom. The hamster lives in the moment. The hamster is purely hedonistic. The hamster says, “If it feels good, do it!”

And as we see on the news or in real life, far too many people let their hamster run wild. I am sure you can think of several examples of this pretty easily. Today it’s almost expected. Concepts such as morality and restraint and self-control are considered “old-fashioned” by many, relics of an age gone by. Life isn’t like that anymore, some would say. Times have changed.

But have they? Have times really changed? All one needs to do is to look back in history and literature. From the bible to Greek and Roman myths to Shakespeare’s plays, these texts are rife with tales of people lying, cheating, stealing, murdering, and so on. People are the same as they have always been. Bad choices are the same as they have always been.

Let’s not kid ourselves. It’s pretty clear there’s never been an age of innocence. And the consequences of these actions are also still the same as they have always been, even if the hamster tells you different. What’s changed is the social pressure to resist the hamster has been lifted. We live in a “I’m OK, you’re OK, live and let live” world.

And tolerance is a good quality. Don’t get me wrong. Tolerating individual differences is much better than burning people at the stake. But tolerance can be a sticky wicket when the hamster has its way.

Think of it this way, letting your hamster guide your life choices is pretty much like taking advice from the guests of the Jerry Springer Show. That’s how much sense your hamster has. The hamster is going to choose the low road every time. The hamster is what gets people on the Jerry Springer Show.

So next time you find yourself thinking about doing something that you know you really shouldn’t, put the hamster back in the cage. While you may miss out on some “fun” in the moment, I can guarantee that in the long run you will have a much happier, healthier, abundant life for it. Doing the right thing is never a bad choice. Doing the right thing never goes out of style. And doing the right thing will never steer you wrong.

Let those who have ears hear.

Secrets of a Single Mom

Tags

custody, divorce, feminism, Insomnia, parenting, red pill, single mom

I have not gotten a solid 8 hours of sleep in years. Last night I got three. Interrupted twice by a three-year-old yelling, “mommy” from the other room. The alarm will go off in 10 minutes. Then my day will start. A flurry of getting school clothes and lunches packed and kids dropped off followed by somehow getting 12 hours of work done in a five hour window before school is over and the babysitter drops the kids back off. And oh yeah, I am sick. But it doesn’t matter because it’s all me. If I don’t do it, nobody will. Like the laundry, dishes, gardening, housecleaning. I do all that, too.  Yep. Living the glamorous life. The single independant woman.

Who needs a man? Like a fish needs a bicycle, right?

What a crock.

Let those who have ears hear.

Beware the Divorce Fantasy

Tags

break up, break ups, divorce, frivorce, marriage, red pill, relationships

I was talking with a friend who has been struggling in her marriage for some time, and as we talked about it, I had an ah-ha moment. What I realized is she was repeating a mistake I made myself, and have seen others make as well.

The mistake was that once she started considering the possibility of a divorce, she can’t seem to stop thinking about it. Like a tumor, this thought keeps growing and festering. Every time something goes wrong between her and her husband, she now jumps right this this thought rather than to more constructive ones focused on understanding or fixing the issues.

I have heard it said this is how suicidal thought work, they grow and grow, almost becoming an obsession. The person eventually talks themselves into believing suicide is the *only* solution and that they must act on the thought.

As my friend and I talked, I noticed she was rejecting any constructive advice about steps she might take to turn her marriage around. Over and over she said, “That won’t work…” or “I tried that…” or some other such excuse. This is another thing that happens when thoughts of divorce take hold. The person starts to only focus on information and advice that confirms that path as the solution, literally shutting out all of the other options.

So why does my friend want a divorce? Because she thinks she would be happier and that life would be easier if she wasn’t married. And I think that frankly, she’s bored and in a rut herself. Instead of owning or recognizing that, she projects it onto her spouse. He’s the reason her life isn’t all she wants it to be, when actually the person who is really holding her back is herself.

Don’t get me wrong, in some cases divorce may be the best option. Some people aren’t good together and are drawn to each other for all the wrong reasons. Some marriages truly are toxic. If her husband was unfaithful, or abusive, or an addict I might understand where she is coming from. But I have asked and probed to see if it’s the case and nope. It truly seems to be simple boredom.

Her husband isn’t a bad guy, he’s just an average guy. It’s true he’s not terribly exciting but then again, guys who are terribly exciting rarely make good husbands. Her husband is predictable, and reliable, and stable. He’s average looking, average height, makes average money, and enjoys average guy things. Maybe she could do better, but she also could do a lot worse. And not to be unkind, but she’s pretty average as well. And I think that’s really what’s bothering her, she isn’t happy with herself. A divorce (or as some in the manosphere have nicknamed this type of divorce, a frivorce) won’t fix that.

Another thing I have noticed as we talk about her thoughts of divorce, she pictures life on her own as some sort of utopian fantasy land where nothing ever goes wrong, everything is suddenly perfect, she can do and have whatever she wants, and there is no downside. In her mind, the grass is unrealistically, almost psychedelically green on the other side of the divorce fence.

But as a divorced person, I know that’s not true. It’s totally unrealistic. Life continues to have it’s ups and down after a divorce, just like it does when someone is married. And a lot of the “problems” I thought would go away after I divorced, didn’t. They are still there. And in some cases they are even bigger now.

So I gently and with love pointed all this out to my friend, and told her I knew what she was doing because I had done it too, then reminded her to beware the power of her thoughts. I hope the next time her mind turns to thoughts of divorce, she will remember if she’s not careful, she’s going to talk herself right into it. And I hope that thought will help shift her thoughts away from this divorce fantasy and back onto actually fixing the problems.

Let those who have ears hear.