Preserve Some Mystery

Tags

allure, attraction, break up, dating, feminine, intimacy, love, marriage, masculine, red pill, relationships, romance

In today’s male/female romantic relations, total openness, honesty, and transparency are encouraged. And when it comes to some things, I would agree.

But I would also argue that I have made the mistake in the past of not preserving a little bit of mystery — not sharing my each and every feeling, thought, or memory.

I believe in days gone by, women knew this was a key aspect of femininity, and that it created attraction.

I am not talking about being deceptive, dishonest, or deceitful. I am referring to smaller things, like shutting the bathroom door when applying makeup, or dressing, or not wearing the scary mud mask while he’s around.

“Let me slip into something more comfortable,” is an example of preserving a little mystery, disappearing, then reappearing looking like an alluring package to unwrap. Versus just unceremoniously dropping your clothes to the floor, with an “there’s nothing we haven’t all seen before, here” attitude.

Even a change of hair color, style, wearing something different than your usual style, all these things can bring freshness into a long term relationship. Much better than not caring and just letting oneself go.

I guess another way to put it is be enchanting. Advocates of game say the male needs to continue with his seduction techniques even into marriage, and I would argue women should work as well by remaining a bit mysterious, being enchanting herself.

It’s the yin and the yang. As much as we drive each other crazy at times, men and women still can’t seem to leave each other alone. Why? I believe it’s our differences that draw us to each other, so this whole trend toward being androgynous would seem to have the opposite effect.

Don’t believe me? Wear a dress or skirt instead of pants, jeans, or slacks one day. See how many men notice. I have even had men stop and say to me how refreshing it is to see a woman dressed in a skirt or dress these days, like a woman!

What do you think? Does intimacy have to mean letting it all hang out? Or does letting it all hang out kill attraction?

What Is “Normal?”

Have you ever wondered what a “normal” relationship looks like? If so, this video is well worth listening to. (Yes, this video is aimed toward men but really the advice and concepts are universal.)

Notice it’s not a no conflict relationship, or a one sided one, but one with two grown up adults working through the problems as the arise and they will, repeatedly.  (Yes it is just that simple and just that complex.)

Well worth a listen… Let me know what you think after!

Tune Into Your Spidey Sense

Tags

betrayal, break up, break ups, dating, decisions, divorce, intuition, logic, love, marriage, red pill, relating, relationships, spidey sense, subconcious, superstition

A recent event in my life affirmed something I have always believed but do not always follow — that we all have a gut instinct (or spidey sense) that if listened to, can help steer us in the right direction and away from situations and people that aren’t good for us.

Our current culture values science, logic, fact, and proof over things like intuition. These days, a gut instinct is dismissed as something akin to superstition, horoscopes, or listening to palm readers.

But I would argue it is anything but. It is a very primitive but ancient defense mechanism, a way to avoid danger in a dangerous world. It happens somewhere is the subconscious mind, or the brain stem and because of this people want to believe “higher reasoning” is better. But is it?

Like I said a recent situation had me examining the result of not heeding my spidey sense enough. I had always thought that spidey sense came from an emotional place. But as I examined the choices I was making I realized the spidey sense was advocating for logic, my higher reasoning was advocating based on emotion. That was an “ah ha” moment for me.

The truth is our minds are always taking in huge amounts of data, but we are only consciously aware of a fraction of it because otherwise it would be overwhelming. And of course we often don’t get to see what would have happened otherwise, had we taken path A over B.

However I cannot recall a single instance in my life where listening to my spidey sense led me down a path that was not in my best interest and how many times ignoring it has.

One frequent commenter who is a soldier and has spent many a day on the front line in dangerous territory swears it’s all about the spidey sense. He is alive today because he listens to it. He’s so tuned into it, it doesn’t whisper, it screams.

Another commenter reported that spidey sense can be easily dismissed because it often surfaces long before the actual cause of it does. At the time, you don’t really understand what is “off” about a situation, you just sense that it is. The common reaction is to wait for conformation the spidey sense was right, however by that time it is often much more difficult to cope with the consequences of not heeding it earlier.

I for one and going to start to honor my spidey sense, and to keep a journal so I can see for myself if it is just hokey pokey or if indeed my life and decisions I am making are an improvement.

Do you believe in spidey sense? Can you think of a time you wish you had, or hadn’t listened to it? Please share your thoughts in the comments!

Always Look Your Best

Tags

abundance, abuse, appearance, attraction, dating, fashion, feminine, feminism, hair, make up, marriage, sexist, style

I remember an elderly woman telling me early into my first pregnancy that I should always try to look my best while I was expecting. At first I was offended. Look my best? My looks had nothing to do with who I was. How I looked didn’t matter. Was it some warning that I was about to get fat and unattractive if I didn’t watch out? I was very upset with her.

But as the days went on, I decided to follow her advice, just to see what would happen. And I found out something very surprising — when I looked my best, I felt a whole lot better. When I felt a whole lot better, people treated and reacted to me much more positively, which lead to me feeling even better. It was a self affirming cycle.

So in the end I did follow her advice, and as a result I got tons of compliments on how good I looked during my pregnancy and I also felt more beautiful than I probably had in my entire life. I had a really great reason to be eating well too, and sleeping well, and reducing stress, and in general taking excellent care of myself, much better than I had before my pregnancy. As a result my skin looked great, my hair looked great, I was the glowing picture of health.

There have been other times in my life when I have not looked my best, usually when I was not feeling my best. I wasn’t sleeping or eating well, and it showed in my hum drum posture and facial expression. I would choose dark, drab clothing, usually baggy or unisex. I didn’t take care to do my makeup and hair. And guess what? People didn’t react positively to me, and as a result I felt less positive about myself.

Something else all this taught me is that when you are not feeling your best, that’s exactly when you should make an even greater effort to look your best. Wear bright cheerful colors, clothes that fit and flatter, do your hair and makeup. It’s an amazingly instant mood booster. If you don’t believe me, why not try it for yourself?

If like me, you were taught that women shouldn’t care about how they look, that caring about your looks would make you shallow, vain, a victim, underpowered, or oppressed, let me assure you that could not be more opposite of the real truth.

Numerous studies show that women who look good have easier and better lives in all sorts of ways, from landing better jobs to getting paid more to associating with others who have a good self image and attitude. If you are in a relationship, your partner will react more positively to you. If you’re not, you’ll get noticed and likely approached far more. It’s just reality.

I am by no means a traditional beauty, not a fine featured girly girl type. In fact, I think I am a bit odd looking, Bohemian. But when I am dressed well and my hair and makeup are done, I noticeably turn heads, even at the age of 43. If I add a big smile and a friendly nature to it, maybe a little flirtatious edge, it can move mountains. Add a dash of femininity to it with flowy drapey fabrics, skirts, heels, and well chosen accessories, and it bumps up even more. I should do this every day, but currently I don’t. I am going to start.

And it’s not just men, women respond much better to me as well. People like happy, attractively groomed, upbeat people. They just do. If you aren’t making an effort, you simply sink into the grey boring background rather than “pop.”

Luckily I am kind of a natural type, so I don’t spend huge amounts of time doing my hair or makeup. I don’t like an artificial “made up” look, but I do look noticeably better when I apply makeup, style my hair, wear flattering clothing, and am taking care of my health and fitness.

Knowing what colors and styles are best for you is key, too. Accentuate the positives, play down the negatives. My friend has a lipstick that looks amazing on her, kind of a shimmery champagne color. I tried the same color and it made me look drab and washed out. Bold lip color, on the other hand, works great for me. In a similar way clothing that looks great on one person, may only emphasize problem areas on another. You have to know yourself, and not be afraid to experiment a bit and have fun with it. I think of it a bit like theater, a kind of performance art that gives clues about who I am and what I care about.

I believe almost any woman can increase her appeal with effort. Sure, not every woman can be a supermodel, but almost any woman looks much better when put together than when she doesn’t make an effort.

So always try to look your best. And especially when you don’t feel your best. It’s in your own best interest. And it makes others happy and responsive to you, too. I am so glad I was given this “old fashioned sexist” advice that led me to understand this very simple way to make my life easier, better, and more enjoyable. I really don’t see any downside to it!

Let those who have ears hear.

Don’t Let Little Things Become Big Things

Tags

break up, break ups, commitment, couples, dating, divorce, engagement, marriage, remarriage, romance

A friend of mine (who also happens to be a couples counselor) said something very wise as we talked about what makes marriages and relationships work or not — don’t let little things become big things.

For instance, disagreements about money or priorities or schedules or responsibilities, can easily get swept under the rug. The trouble is, if these little things don’t get worked out early on, they can pile up under that rug until soon the little things become big things.

The trouble then is that often grudges, resentment, and even anger can be so deeply set at that point, fixing the big thing is much harder than fixing the little thing.

He gave the example of a couple who ended up in his office supposedly because the wife wouldn’t learn how to hook the trailer onto the truck. Now it’s pretty obvious that is not a marriage deal breaker in most people’s minds, and it really wasn’t the deal breaker for them either. It was an example of a little thing that had turned into a big thing. (He helped them see it wasn’t about the trailer, it was about communication.)

Then, he gave an example of a little thing that didn’t turn into a big thing in his own 25 year marriage. When he and his wife were dating, she forgot something at his house and told him she would stop by the next night at 7:30 to pick it up. Well, 7:30 came and went, then 8:30, then 9:30. At 10, after he was in bed, the phone rang. He let the machine get it. Then, for the next three days he was “busy” so she couldn’t seem to reach him. On the fourth day she showed up at his house, profusely apologizing for not showing up a few days before. At that time, he accepted her apology, and asked her to always call if she was not going to meet him as planned in the future because in his relationships, not showing up and not calling was not acceptable. And he said in 25 years, it hasn’t happened since.

Early in a relationship, there is a tendency to not want to rock the boat, to let things slide. But according to him that’s how a lot of couples get into trouble down the road. Next thing they know it’s a few years later and all that bottled up stuff comes bursting out. Fixing things at that point is a lot harder, and sometimes not possible.

He also said he wishes more couples would see a couples therapist for a few sessions at the beginning of a serious relationship to explore the common and usual trigger points, rather than wait until big trouble arises to seek help. That way, little problems don’t become big problems, or if big problems start to emerge, the couple has someone they can turn to for help earlier rather than later.

I thought it was all good advice. Healthy communication, respect, clear expectations, and a little guidance from someone who isn’t emotionally involved all seemed like good baby steps in the right direction toward happily ever after.

Or said another way, when it comes to divorce, an ounce of prevention is worth a million pounds of cure.

Do Soul Mates Exist?

Tags

break up, break ups, divorce, fulfillment, happiness, marriage, relationships, remarriage, second marriage, soul mates

Do you believe in soul mates? That there is a perfect somebody for everybody, and that finding that match is the secret to a lifetime of happiness?

I was reading a very insightful article on this idea of soul mates, how it is actually a rather modern phenomenon, and how basing relationships on this model might actually be the cause of much relationship angst today. (I will try to find a link to the article, I forgot to bookmark it.)

In short the article said that around 1970 the soul mate relationship model became the dominant narrative, leaving behind the prior one which viewed marriage in more of a give and take model.

The ideal of a soul mate is seductive — that perfect other half, who gets you absolutely, adores everything about you, and unlocks the key to your highest possible level of fulfillment and personal growth.

The trouble with the soul mate philosophy is that it has an unspoken “your soul mate will just get it” component. In theory, there won’t be problems in a soul mate relationship and in fact, if there are problems that is in itself a sign this person is not your soul mate.

In the give and take model, there was less emphasis on what the individual was getting from the relationship, and more about the whole of the unit. Good times and bad times were expected, one’s partner was not on a pedestal, the good of the order was what was on the pedestal.

My paternal grandparents had this type of marriage. My grandfather was a very intelligent, but very difficult man. He had a bad temper. He drank a lot. He spent money foolishly. He stayed out late and sometimes didn’t come home. While I am sure my grandmother struggled with many unhappy moments, she didn’t speak of them, and she was a good and faithful wife to him until he passed away at the age of 79.

I don’t know how she did it. I don’t know if I could have done it. She must have had the patience of a saint. I do know that she found happiness in other areas of her life, in gardening and keeping a home, the animals she raised on the farm, in her relationships with her four children, and eventually their spouses and grandchildren.

Their marriage was in many ways the argument for feminism, that women should be able to escape such a union. Should “have more.” I doubt that a woman in her situation today would stay married in a culture that makes even slight dissatisfaction a reason to divorce — much less being married to someone who, to put it mildly, was a rather notorious character. My grandma surely would have gotten the “you go girl” advice today. And indeed she sacrificed much in order to make the marriage work.

Were they soul mates? Probably not. In fact from the somewhat puzzling story my grandmother told me of their courtship, it almost sounded like an arranged marriage. As she told it, she went from living with her parents to living with his, and that was it, they were married. And in Nebraska in the depths of the depression, it is very possible that it was a practical pairing based on necessity, not love.

The trouble with the soul mate model is — troubles will eventually surface. One partner will let another down. There will be discord. There will be impasses. If the relationship is based on the idea that the union will only bring happiness and fulfillment to the self, it is only a matter of time until hard times or disagreements of some sort of another will hit. When they do, they are read as a “sign” the relationship is not what it was thought to be, and as a reason it should end.

It’s a problem I see in many marriages around me today — when hard times hit they aren’t viewed as something to work through, more often they are seen as a justification to jump ship. It’s a much less stable model, one based on perpetual good fortune and fair weather.

Maybe my grandma’s generation understood something we have lost. That hard times were a sign to work harder and that not giving up come what may was what made marriages last a lifetime. It may lack the romantic mysticism of the soul mate theory, but it sure seems like a much more solid foundation to build forever upon.

What do you think? Do you believe in soul mates?

Examples of the Red Pill in Movies or Music?

Tags

alpha male, attraction, bad boys, battle of the sexes, beta, blue pill, dating, divorce, marriage, movies, music, red pill, relationships

Since stumbling across the red pill philosophy, I find examples of its various theories all the time in music lyrics and sometimes in movies.

How about you?

This is another interactive reader post, I am hoping that you will share examples of red pill music (lyrics, links to videos, etc) or movies here in the comments.

Probably the most red pill movie I have seen would be “The Hangover.” It is absolutely filled with great examples of all sorts of red pill tenants, plus its pretty funny, if you like sick humor like I do.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1119646/

As for red pill songs, there are so many. I will list them as I think of them in the comments.

Please, chime in!

What Women Don’t Get

Tags

attraction, battle of the sexes, commitment, dating, love, marriage, red pill, relationships, romance, what men like, what men need, what men want, what women don't get

Ok, this post is a bit different from the rest but I hope you all will play along. There’s always such great commentary here, this post is inviting the reader to school the author(ess) and her female readers on the unfulfilled needs and wants of men.

In this post I am hoping readers will comment in response to these questions: What don’t women get from a man’s point of view? How could women meet their man’s needs better? In your opinion what are women missing big time about the male side of relationships? What has a woman done for you in the past (or present) that you think most women should also do, but don’t? Being in a relationship, I am thinking in a relationship, but it could also be when dating, pre-dating, etc. At any stage.

It can be anything from buy him a beer or dinner to get up and make breakfast for him every day (or pack his lunch or make him sandwiches or whatnot) to wear lingerie (or not), whatever…maybe those are examples of what girls think guys want but they don’t…I dunno, that’s why I ask… I truly want to know, from a guy perspective… so go wild. There are no wrong answers. From the simple to the complex. Anything goes.

Female readers are also invited to ask their male partners, if they dare, and share what is said/learned.

I look forward to hearing what you all have to say from the male point of view about things women just don’t get, but should…

Most Problems Are User Error

Tags

abundance, achievement, best life, break up, break ups, breakups, dating, divorce, goals, happiness, health, heartbreak, highest life, lack, loss, marriage, positive thinking, quitting smoking, red pill, relationships, sadness, sexism, struggle, success, weight loss

Someone* once said to me, “Most problems are caused by user error,” meaning many of the struggles in life are self-created ones.

Realizing this can be a double edged sword. On one hand it is empowering — to struggle or not in most cases becomes a choice. On the other hand, it requires taking responsibility for your life outcome, owning that you are the cause of your problem.

Try it. Make a written or mental list of your biggest problems and struggles. Then ask yourself how many of them are actually caused by your own decisions and choices, or decisions or choices you should/could be making but aren’t?

It can be both painful and liberating to realize nearly all factors in life are within our own control. That life is, like it or not, good or bad, what we have made it.

Sure, there are exceptions, times when circumstances beyond one’s control impose suffering — like being born into a dysfunctional family, getting cancer, losing everything in a fire or natural disaster, being laid off due to a downsizing, having a partner dying or walk out with no warning, being caught up in a war zone.

But even in these cases, there is still a choice involved and that choice is how you respond to factors out of your control. Constructive or destructive, how you react to tragedy is still a choice completely within your control. (Understanding this is what heroes and inspirational souls are made of.)

Luckily, true tragedy beyond control doesn’t strike often in life. Most of the time there is no outside random situation or circumstance imposing the suffering. Upon examination, we are usually creating the situation ourselves with the choices large and small we make every day. In these cases it’s as simple — and as hard — as choosing to do different.

Pity parties, blaming others, or adopting a victim stance may soothe the ego, but they only prolong the suffering.

Start doing yourself a favor, if you have been falling prey to user error forgive yourself (we’re all human), then take ownership of your life, identify the user error that’s causing you (and very likely others) suffering, and take action to change the situation from what you don’t want into what you do want.

Whatever the issue, problem, struggle, or roadblock — from weight loss, to a career funk, to relationship woes, to money problems — it’s almost always just that simple, and just that difficult. Choices. Action. Not choosing. Not taking action. A good attitude. A bad attitude.

And the good news, or the bad news, is the only person who can do it, or keep yourself from doing it, is you.

Let those who have ears hear.

—————-

*The someone who said this, ironically, knew this because they themselves were an expert at user error.

What We Can Learn From 50 Shades of Grey

Tags

50 Shades, 50 Shades of Grey, alpha male, androgeny, attraction, bad boys, battle of the sexes, beta, blue pill, divorce, marriage, red pill, sex life, sexuality

Like it or not, the book and now movie 50 Shades of Grey has been a smashing financial success. The book has sold more copies than Harry Potter, the movie grossed over $81 million this past opening weekend. And all this despite nearly everyone who critiqued the book saying it was pretty terribly written. (I have not read the book or seen the movie.)

Whether you are in the love it or hate it camp, there is no denying this book and then film hit a raw nerve in a big, big way. So why has it been so successful? What is it that has people (errr, I mean women) buying the books and flocking to the theaters in droves?

Well, for one thing it’s about sex. And as they say, sex sells. More than that it’s about a sexual relationship where the male partner is dominant and the female partner is submissive.

This isn’t the soft, gentle, wrapped in romance style sex that most men and women have been sold as “the way it works.” It’s not roses and chocolates and hopes that with a foot rub and some choreplay there *might* be some sex in return for Mr. Grey, if he’s lucky.

But wait, that’s what women want, right? Isn’t that how it works?

Actually not, as I think the success of this book and movie clearly show. Those familiar with the Red Pill shouldn’t be surprised by this information. Manospherians recognized this dynamic long ago and have built an entire philosophy of seduction and tripping a woman’s attraction wires around it.

What the Red Pill says, among other things, is that women and men are not the same. Gender is not a social construct. Men and women are different.

Yet over the past 40 years a “same and equal” philosophy that women want men to act more like women and men want women who act more like men has been pushed by the larger culture, often called the Blue Pill, much to the dissatisfaction of all.

Not to be crude but what do women like about men? They are hard. What do men like about women? They are soft. What doesn’t work? Soft men and hard women.

I am not saying everyone needs to go get whips and handcuffs to be sexually happy (but if it floats your boat, go for it). What I am saying is that the feminized man and the masculine woman dynamic doesn’t work.

But God forbid you say it out loud because THAT’S JUST NOT OK. It’s misogyny. It’s sexist. It’s abusive. It’s oppressive. It’s patriarchy. Etc.

To that I simply say, it wasn’t men buying these books and movie tickets for the most part, now was it? So who exactly is so titillated by the idea of a man calling the shots? Hummm?

Female sexuality has a side that few women want to admit to but Harlequin romance novel writers, female erotica writers, and the author of 50 Shades all reveal loud and clear. Women aren’t the delicate little asexual fainting flowers the Victorians portrayed them to be.

So why are we as a culture (and in many ways especially women) working so hard to deny that? I think a lot of marriages and relationships could be greatly improved by putting aside the prudish Blue Pill thinking and embracing the Red Pill reality the runaway success of 50 Shades makes abundantly clear.

Hopefully more women, and men, will be awakened to how it works — and how it has always worked — because of it.

Exhibit A…

“He moves suddenly so that his hand is cupping my sex, and one of his fingers sinks slowly into me. His other arm holds me firmly in place around my waist.

“This is mine,” he whispers aggressively. “All mine. Do you understand?” He eases his finger in and out as he gazes down at me, gauging my reaction, his eyes burning.

“Yes, yours…”

Abruptly, he moves, doing several things at once: Withdrawing his fingers, leaving me wanting, unzipping his fly, and pushing me down onto the couch so he’s lying on top of me.

“Hands on your head,” he commands through gritted teeth as he kneels up, forcing my legs wider…

“We don’t have long. This will be quick, and it’s for me, not you. Do you understand?

Don’t come, or I will spank you,” he says through clenched teeth.”

~ E.L. James

That text didn’t sweep through suburbia faster than the latest measles outbreak for nothing. And it wasn’t men who were telling their friends about it, it was women.

What does that say?

Let those who have ears hear.