Moms Need Dads

Last Father’s Day I did a post on why kids need their dads. This year I am going to focus on why moms need their kid’s dads, too!

(And yes, I know, I am a single mom. So if I think kid’s need their dad’s, where are mine? Well, that’s a long story and one I am not going to go into here. But it is because of my living as a single mom that I know firsthand the ways dads are a huge asset to moms, and so that is what I would like to focus on rather than my personal story and mistakes.)

Before I had children, I did not realize how much time and attention and energy children take. It is hard to explain to someone without children. But after having children myself I realized why women didn’t rule the world. They were too busy with children. And that’s not a bad thing.

I also realized why it is good for the man to be the leader in the family, because once mom has children (which was not really a choice up until 40 years ago, so all this is ancient programming) she really NEEDS someone else to take the lead so she can focus on the offspring.

And so the division of labor began, not out of oppression, but out of necessity. Women who are pregnant or who have young children simply cannot hunt. How on earth could a woman hunt with a howling offspring scaring off any game long before she can get close enough to catch it? Today, hunting has been replaced by a indirect trade economy where money is exchanged for things like food. Sure, mom could go get a job, and many do, but she still can’t leave the offspring home alone and so it’s either her caring for them or her paying someone else to care for them while she works.

I am going to say something truly shocking here but — how about DAD can go hunting (or to work) and mom can take care of the kiddos? And while she is caring for the kiddos and teaching them about life she can do things like cook, and nest, and take care of the home front? To be a helpmate to her lead. It kind of makes sense, doesn’t it?

Many of the stay at home moms I know struggle with dissatisfaction, in part because I believe our society undervalues this actually very practical division of labor. These days, SAHMs are all too often treated like they are “wasting” their lives.  And of course they also often go without some of the material things two income families may have. But are they “wasting” their lives? Hardly!

When I was expecting I had this quote by Jacqueline Kennedy hanging on my fridge: “If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do matters very much.”

So that’s why moms need dads. So dad can take the lead and mom can focus on the very important job of raising the kids. (Mom can always have “a career” when the nest is empty. In everything, there is a season.) And of course, as I wrote about in the link above last year, kids need their dad, too. It may sound old fashioned, but it works.

And as someone who is trying madly to both hunt and be a mom, trust me — moms need dads (women need men). If you have one, willingly hand him the reigns, cheer him on, be his biggest fan, and thank him every day for all he does for you and the kids. He’s a hero!

Let those who have ears hear.

Men and Women: Two Halves of a Whole?

Tags

androgeny, battle of the sexes, break up, break ups, dating, divorce, equality, feminine, feminism, gender, gender roles, marriage, masculine, red pill

There is a concept in Chinese culture that has no real equivalent that I know of in the West, but it is a concept well worth pondering — yin and yang.

Yin and yang is difficult to really define because it can mean many things but in short it is like two parts making a whole, the up and the down, the left and the right, the night and day, the power of opposites attracting. Neither is better or worse, good or bad, right or wrong. They are separate but equal. And not only that, they need each other to be complete, balanced, whole.

In Western culture there is a more dualistic thought process, more like either/or. Something is either good or bad, either right or wrong, either up or down, either yes or no. There is no yin AND yang, it’s yin OR yang.

Dualistic thinking has its place, no doubt. However, as anything it also has its limitations. I believe a lot of the nonsense we have going on surrounding gender these days is related to the inability in our culture to see the strength, even necessity, of the yin and the yang.

Feminism, for example, seeks to bring gender to the middle, to encourage women to act more masculine and to encourage men to act more feminine. The obliteration of gender seems to be the ideal, the definition of equal. But is it?

Feminism also teaches that gender is a social construct, or in other words we are not born male or female, we are taught to be male or female. This implies that male and female are learned roles, not naturally inborn ones.

Well anyone who played peek a boo in preschool quickly learned that there are indeed differences between males and females. Feminists might say these differences are only physical. But are they?

An even deeper question is: are these differences bad? Good? Do they have to be either bad or good? Could they be both? Is minimizing or eliminating them the answer? Or is celebrating them?

Personally, I think it is a mistake to try and bring gender to the middle, to seek equality in the elimination of the yin yang element to gender. Androgyny? Blech.

I think women NEED men. I think men NEED women. I think men and women are attracted to each other because they are two parts of one whole.

Of course in today’s highly charged social, legal, and political climate, embracing the yin and yang concept of gender can be quite dangerous, costly, and damaging. The stakes are incredibly high. And they are currently tilted in (surprise!) the female interest. That’s why so many men are opting out, going their own way (mtgow.) And why so many women are wondering, where have all the good men gone? The good men understand full well the current sexual marketplace (smp) and marriage marketplace (mmp) and are just not willing to take the risk or have been burned badly already and are not willing to take the risk again. If I were a man, I can’t say I would not feel the same.

I vote we bring back women being women and men being men. The yin and yang version. Two halves of one whole, neither inferior or superior, different, but both equally necessary, each with their own strengths and weaknesses that just so happen to perfectly complement the strengths and weaknesses of the other. Imagine that!?! Viva la differance!

Let those who have ears hear.

There Is Always A Downside

Tags

abundance, battle of the sexes, blue pill, break up, break ups, career path, career woman, co-parenting, commitment, dating, discontent, divorce, faith, feminism, happiness, life change, marriage, red pill, remarriage, satisfaction, unhappiness

Something I have come to realize with age is that in almost every situation, there is a downside.

There is a downside to being in a relationship, there is a downside to being alone. There is a downside to being married, there is a downside to being single. There is a downside to getting divorced, there is a downside to staying married. There is a downside of going to college, there is a downside of not going to college. There is a downside to having kids, there is a downside to not having kids. There is a downside of working, there is a downside of not working. There is a downside to being rich, there is a downside to being poor, and there is even a downside of being somewhere in the middle of rich and poor.

Darn, there’s always a downside? Well that stinks, right? Yes and no. It only stinks if you are under the illusion that there can be no downside. In our society that seems to be the expectation. Or the belief that a downside is “a sign” that it’s time to make a change, usually the opposite of whatever the situation causing the downside may be.

However, these changes are often made in reaction to the downside, without consideration to the downsides of doing something else, instead. Far too often people see change as the solution to a downside, but they do not consider nearly enough what the downside to whatever their new path may be. Once on it, the downsides become apparent and the dissatisfaction and desire to eliminate the downside sets in once again.

I call it the “if only’s.” If only I was married/single/divorced/had kids/didn’t have kids/had a degree/didn’t have a degree/worked/didn’t work/was rich and so on. If only, if only, if only…then I could be happy!

That’s where the option of acceptance and gratitude comes in, something people don’t seem to consider nearly as often as they consider radical change. Accepting that there is always going to be a downside can be actually very freeing. And it can help one make better choices, find contentment, and even be happier.

And of course sometimes the downsides of not making a change are greater than the downsides of doing different. Once all sides are considered, maybe change really is what is needed. In those cases, considering in advance the downside of all options can help make those choices easier. It’s not change that’s bad, it’s the overly idealistic idea that change will lead to a life without downsides. Well, it won’t. That doesn’t mean life can’t be better. But there will always still be downsides. Sorry.

Of course, the good news here is that also means there are likewise always upsides of every situation. And if the downside and upsides are also considered in tandem before making major changes, sometimes just considering the upsides can help one realize things are actually more good than bad. I think that in the majority of cases in life, this is true. And studies show that simply focusing on the upsides in life, rather than the downsides, leads to much greater life satisfaction no matter what the situation might be.

So when you find yourself focusing on the downside, telling yourself, “if only” things were different, then you would be happy/fulfilled/content/whole/etc. try looking at the upside as well as the possible downsides of that “if only.” Chances are good you are likely to discover all things considered, it’s not so bad after all. And if so, focusing more on the upside and less on the “if only” might be the best solution of all.

For where your focus is, there your heart will be also.

Let those who have ears hear.

Because Things Don’t Build Themselves, Sista!

Tags

dating, feminism, marriage, men, red pill, relationships, society, women

Have you ever stopped to think about how all those roads you drive on everyday, and the electricity you rely on, and the operational phone and cell phone system, and those buildings, and microwaves, and bridges and even hairdryers were built? And who built them?

Men. Yep. By and large, men built them! Men who had conceived of, designed, created, and then produced and sold them. Truth is, those “misogynistic, bumbling, no good” men build civilization, and protect it, and keep it rolling along.

Now I am not saying women don’t do their part, and yes men are not having babies, but those are hairs we aren’t splitting here.

So what would happen to a world without men? Or a world where men have so given up on women that they just don’t care to build things, or fix them, or design them, or produce them anymore? Exactly how long until the toilets were overflowing, and the power was out, and a fire was raging, food supplies were gone, much less makeup or high heels, and there was mayhem in the streets? Yep. Not long. Not long at all.

I don’t know about you, sister, but I really can’t build things much past a pre-drilled, pre-assembled, all parts included kit — if that. I’d be lucky to get some curtain rods up if civilization ended.

“Educate yourself,” you may be saying. I have tried. I took woodworking class, and autoshop, and what I learned is that me and tools don’t mix very well.

In the years since I have also realized things don’t build themselves. They don’t build themselves at my house, they don’t build themselves in my town, they don’t build themselves in my state, and so on…

Men build things. Women need men to build things. Women need men to care about women so they will build things. All good reasons to be nice to men, show some appreciation, respect, and gratitude.

I know when I drive by a road construction crew these days I notice them — men. Men working hard. Men making civilization work. In all kinds of weather. In every season. Every day of the year.

To many women, men are invisible. Until their car breaks, or the cabinet drawer comes off the rail, or she can’t open that jar of pickles. She just assumes he will be there. But what if he wasn’t?

Men are actually a huge asset to our society. It might do us better to treat them as such. Because without men, things start to roll backwards, sometimes pretty darn quick.

So be good to the men in your life — we women need them, and their willingness and goodwill, to keep it all going and flowing and working.

Ooooom……consider it. Mind blowing, isn’t it?

Where would we be without men?

I hope we never have to find out.

Embrace Your (True) Girl Power!

Tags

abundance, androgeny, attraction, battle of the sexes, beauty, career woman, dating, divorce, empowerment, feminimity, feminine, feminism, girl power, happiness, joy, masculine, masculinity, red pill, relationships

Over the past few years, I have been exploring the meaning of being female in a post-feminist world. And I have come to a very surprising (even to myself!) realization about “girl power” — it seems to mean the exact opposite of what I had always been led to believe.

Let me explain. I was raised in a world where “girl power” was defined as “doing what men do.” And I did. I took auto shop and woodworking classes in high school (along with only two other girls in each class), went to college, got a career, made good money, supported myself, started a business, and more.

I was opening doors, and for myself, thank you very much! I avoided things traditionally considered “feminine.” I wore unisex clothing like jeans and t-shirts, avoided “the domestic arts,” shunned girly-primping, wore flats, and told myself that I would, “be taken more seriously” for it.

Was I taken seriously? Actually I was, but not because I did my best to avoid anything “female” related. I was taken seriously because I did what I love and have followed my passions and put my heart and soul into everything that I did.

Well almost. I cringe to say, but I did not put my heart and soul into my marriage. Rather than be a wife in the traditional sense, I strove to emulate the supposed “marriage of equals.”

Long story short, that didn’t work out so well. For either of us. And I regret it. Not that it was all me, but if I am honest a part of it was. At least half. But what is done is done, that’s 7-plus years of water under the bridge now.

A few years ago I started looking at my life and wondering what had led me to the place where I found myself. I had executed the feminist script to perfection. But despite being practically the “single independent woman” poster child, I found the end results to be lacking. I was lonely. I didn’t “get it” when it came to relationships.

And so while exploring this angst, I stumbled across the red pill. As I read blogs and message boards populated mostly with men talking about men and women and relationships, I was shocked to learn men weren’t happy with this brave new world, either.

They encouraged each other to explore what it means to be masculine, to be a man, to do things men traditionally liked to do. This made me wonder, what would happen if I did the same, explored what it meant to be feminine?

So I did. And the results have been pleasantly surprising! Rather than find it drudgery and oppressive, I found that I like pulling an amazing loaf of fresh baked bread out of the oven, and that folding fresh, warm laundry can be surprisingly sensual. I’ve been potting up flower baskets and fluffing up my nest ever since.

While I have a ways to go, I have to say an increasingly neat and orderly home is a big improvement over my formerly half-assed, last ditch, and cluttered surroundings. Oddly, I have found the more beautiful I make it, the happier myself and my children are getting. And it’s been more sweat equity than shopping spree — I have found it doesn’t have to be expensive to create a home that provides cozy refuge from the world. It’s a work in progress but I am slowly editing room-by-room, getting rid of “stuff” and keeping only what I truly love. My girls are loving it, too!

I’ve also been playing with the traditionally feminine spheres of beauty and fashion. Again, this has all been on a budget, but with some creativity and a few great consignment shops, I’ve replaced much of the jeans and t-shirt wardrobe with flattering, feminine attire. I still have jeans and t-shirts, but now they emphasize (modestly and tastefully) my female form rather than disguise it. I wear skirts a lot more. I even ordered a pair of strappy summer sandals with (gasp!) heels. I got some shimmery make up and learned some new techniques for applying make up via online videos, and I have been painting my finger and toe nails, too!

Along the way I have redefined the meaning of “girl power.” I have been shocked to discover I find more joy in embracing my feminine side than I ever did trying to act more like a man than a woman. And yes, I am still taken seriously, maybe even more so!

To trying to be a man, I simply say, “Pfffft.” I’ll take the shimmer, and flounce, and channeling my energy into making my surroundings beautiful for me and mine over trying to be more like a man any day!

What do you think? Should we redefine the meaning of “girl power” to mean reveling in the power of femininity? Or is it better for women to act just like men?

Life After Frivorce

Tags

attraction, bad boys, battle of the sexes, break up, break ups, commitment, dating, dating after divorce, divorce, frivorce, girl's night out, marriage, online dating, red pill, relationships

A few days ago, a friend of a friend who I have seen around town here and there stopped in to visit. We got to talking and she shared her very sad story of her frivorce — and how very much she regrets it now.

They married young, had children, she was a happy stay at home wife and mom. As her kids got closer to leaving the nest, she started ruminating on what she would do with the next stage of her life. She was bored. Angsty. She met some new single gal pals and started hanging out with them, going out dancing and hanging out with them on “girl’s night” at bars.

She said at the time she felt these women cared about her, supported her, wanted her to be happy. They started to question her marriage, plant seeds of doubt that she was truly as happily married as she thought. The more time she spent with them, the more disgruntled about her marriage and husband she became.

She says now she believes what they really wanted was to drag her down into their misery. They weren’t happy after their divorces, weren’t finding dating to be as fun as they thought it would, and were basically a bunch of 50-some-year-old alcoholics, living pretty pathetic lives but acting as if they had it all.

Sadly, she sees this now, three years later, but at the time their “herd” mentality had a powerful influence on her and she started to put her new friends ahead of her husband and children. After one too many nights of her out at the bar and saying she’d “be home soon” he showed up to drive her home. She’d had too much to drink and an argument ensued. He tried to lead her out, and she cried “abuse!” Her new friends backed up her claim, and he spent the night in jail, was put on probation for a year, even when she recanted the tale. Too late. Their marriage was over.

I remember seeing her out and about over the past few years, at happy hours, all dressed up with shimmery makeup, waiting to meet yet another online date. At first she said she found this new freedom exciting, but after far too many bad dates it wore thin. Her new friends also lost their shine, and once she was single as well, they turned on her, considering her competition.

She met a man she thought was “the one,” sold her house, and moved to another town, only to find he changed his mind and left her shortly after. At 57 she is now alone, and barely making it month to month.

As she sat there telling me this sad tale, I could tell she would give anything to take it all back, to grow old with her faithful and loyal man. But despite her many apologies and trying to win him back, he’s not interested. (I advised her to keep trying, be open to him as long as she is alive and to be patient, maybe if she is lucky he will forgive her. And to realize it was a lot to ask.) Her children (three boys) also barely talk to her, and when her son married last weekend, she was not invited to be involved in the wedding or rehearsal dinner. Her sons would not dance with her at the reception.

She asked me to share this story in hopes that perhaps it would help another woman avoid the same fate. Her advice learned the hard way? Don’t do what she did. Don’t be like her. Avoid women who don’t support your marriage, nurture your relationship, don’t frivorce because you are “unhaaaaapy” or think the grass is greener. It isn’t. It’s astroturf.

Let those who have ears hear.

Be the Happy

Tags

abundance, attraction, battle of the sexes, blue pill, break up, break ups, commitment, courtship, dating, divorce, Don Ruiz, marriage, red pill, relationships, remarriage

One of my favorite books on relationships is “The Mastery of Love” by Don Ruiz. It’s not a very long book, but it is so packed with wisdom that even though I have read it at least 10 times, every time I do, I notice something new I hadn’t before. If you have not read it, I highly recommend that and his other books. I need to read it again, but I keep giving my copy away! So I will get another.

In the book he says one of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships is that they come to them from a place of lack. They see the other person, or the relationship as the “missing piece” that will make their life complete, make them happy. (Which reminds me of one of my other favorite books, a children’s book, called “The Missing Piece” by Shel Silverstein.)

The problem is the only person we can control is our self. So if we believe our happiness depends on an outside person, this sets up a dynamic where one needs to control or manipulate that other person, to not lose the happy. One person is going to be doling out the happy and one person is going to be wanting the happy.

Ruiz says instead it is better to be the happy. He likens it to realizing that your heart is a magical kitchen. Whatever you want, boom, there it is. If someone shows up at the door with pizza and offers to trade pizza for happiness, you would be puzzled. You already have all the pizza you want or need. You have pizza, they have pizza, you can have pizza together, or you can have pizza apart. But your having pizza does not depend on that other person. They cannot take away or grant you pizza. You don’t have to barter for pizza, because you already have pizza. Getting pizza is no longer a motivator.

Ok, maybe that makes no sense at all, but it is early, I need more coffee, and really you should read the book yourself because I promise, it makes total sense when you read it about all this there.

Back to the point: If you are in a relationship, or not, spend some time pondering this idea — are you bringing the happy? Or are you expecting someone else to bring the happy? Are you maybe trading the happy – trying to make someone else happy so they will make you happy in return?

Happiness, as they say, is an inside job!

(One could also substitute the word “love” for “happiness” in this post. Feel free to reread it but swap in the word love every time you run across the word happy to see it in another way.)

Sometimes You Still See It

Tags

abundance, commitment, love, marriage, red pill, relationships, romance, true love

It’s pretty easy to get jaded about relationships these days. One doesn’t have to look very hard to see examples of good love gone bad all around. But every once in awhile, you see true love does exist.

Or at least I have. Most recently I have spied it as I take my kids to school in the morning. At first, I didn’t pay the couple walking along the side of the road much attention. But one day I noticed a certain oddness to her gait that made me look at them a little closer.

They aren’t exactly elderly, maybe late 50s or early 60s. And it is hard to say what exactly is going on, maybe cancer, maybe early onset of Alzheimer’s, maybe something else but she is clearly very, very ill.

On nice days I see them, out taking a morning walk. He hovers near her with a gentle tenderness and patience, it is clear from his body language he loves this women very much, and that he is cherishing these moments they have together, as imperfect and I am sure challenging that they might be.

For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. For richer or poorer. Forsaking all others. Till death do they part.

This morning, I found myself crying at the sight of those two, once again slowly ambling along. My heart both breaks for them and is also filled with such a profound joy that they have each other, and that they found each other, against all the odds, in this brief moment of time we call life, on this insignificant green and blue ball spinning at 1040 miles per hour and traveling at 67,000 miles per hour around the sun, off to the edge of the Milky Way galaxy.

Yep, sometimes you still see it. And for me at least, when I do, it reminds me of the bigger picture and what this whole experience is really all about. Love. Loving. Being loved. Loving back. In the end, those are the moments that I imagine will matter the most.

Let those who have ears hear.

Can (and Should) Women Be Nice to Men?

Tags

abundance, abuse, attraction, bad boys, battle of the sexes, blue pill, break up, break ups, dating, divorce, feminism, love, marriage, red pill, relationships, romance

As I have mentioned previously, I often see women (mis)treating their loyal and loving husbands with less than the same. It puzzles me why women would do this, as it seems like it is keen on destroying the very foundation their relationship rests upon.

At another Red Pill site, there’s been an interesting discussion on why women might treat their man with contempt, and what can be done about it. (It is my theory that men can also treat their partner with contempt, and that’s not ok either.)

The theory that was floated is this: that research has shown this dynamic leads to many a divorce:
“In the original research, the four observed predictors of divorce were
1. Wife showing contempt during conflict with the husband
2. Husband and wife being defensive
3. Wife complaining, husband stonewalling (Demand/withdraw pattern)
4. Wife emotionally detached

Gottman, J.M., (1991). Predicting the longitudinal course of marriages, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 17 (1), 3-7.”

The solution, according to the one who floated the theory is for women to resist the urge to show contempt during conflict (re: be nice, fight fair, etc.)

Or if she won’t, the recommendation is for the man to respond by running dread or using bemused mastery (threatening to walk or treating her like a spoiled child.)

In my opinion, contempt is a disastrous attitude to bring into a supposedly loving relationship. Yet time and again I see it acted out, and it truly is a love killer.

So ladies, can women be nice to men? Can women resist the entitled princess act so endorsed by the current culture, and show her man some (gasp) love and respect? As “old fashioned” as it sounds, I’d recommend it!

[And if it isn’t clear I am talking about otherwise “healthy and good” workable relationships, obviously this advice does not apply to relationships involving abuse on either side. In that case, I recommend ending the relationship and exploring through therapy or other means how to recognize and avoid abusive relationships in the future.]

Let those who have ears hear.

Maybe They Are Wrong?

Tags

androgeny, attraction, dating, divorce, feminism, marriage, men, red pill, relationships, women

Have you ever stopped to ponder that maybe all the “modern day” relationship advice might be all wrong?

Conventional wisdom tells women to put off marriage and family until she finishes her education, establishes her career. Be a strong independent woman!

Likewise young men are told to be gentle, sensitive, supplicating. Be “nice” they are told. Don’t “play the field.” Stop acting “like a brutish man.”

What if it’s all projection? What if what women really want are strong independent men who know about the ways of women, and what men really want are gentle and nice women who want to get married young?

Wouldn’t that be ironic? That men are acting like they wish women would and women are acting like they wish men would?

What do you think, could it be? Could we have it backwards? Or is the modern way better?