A Bride or a Wife?

Tags

children, commitment, family, life, love, marriage, money, red pill, relationships, security, wedding

Recently, I helped at a wedding that provided a great example of the difference between being ready to be a bride versus being ready to be a wife.

The couple is in their 20s. I would guess she’s about 22, he’s in his late 20’s. They met in a rather unique way — she was on a blind date with one of his friends (it was not a match). He waited a year, kept tabs on her via Facebook, then asked her out on a date. Before the date was over, she says they both knew this was likely “it.”

This young couple impresses me in many ways. They are already committed to a debt-free lifestyle. They bought a piece of land and are building a home. They approach life as a team already. They are unusually sensible and mature for their ages, it seems to me. They are “on the right track” and seem to have a solid plan for their future.

All of this impressed me already, but I really saw that this girl was ready to be a wife, not just a bride, when the wedding day approached. By a stroke of bad luck there was a huge storm, and with high winds and pouring rain forecast, the outdoor fall wedding she had dreamed of was just not in the cards as planned.

Three days before the event, she accepted reality and quickly went to work securing an alternate indoor venue and rearranging everything.

Not once did I see her melt down. Not once did I see her feel sorry for herself. Not once did I hear her complain. No princess fantasy derailment. No, “My day is ruined!” She just bucked up and did what needed done. Like a boss (and I told her so!)

I have to say, she surprised me. I had underestimated her, as she is very attractive and seems like the kind of girl who has likely had a charmed and easy life. Or so I thought. I was surprised in fact when I met her parents to learn this very traditional minded gal had been raised in a hippie commune.

Who would have thought? A gal raised in a Northern California hippie commune would turn out to be such a mature, sensible, solid adult? Who despite both being raised in an alternative culture combined with the current culture, choose to marry and start her adult life young, and choose very well. Her husband comes from one of the most respected families in the area and he is a great guy. His choice of a wife reveals a wisdom and readiness to lead.

I predict good things for them. She’s shared that they plan to start a family soon, and after working in commercial daycare centers in high school, and despite being recently promoted to manager in a national coffee house chain with the promise of an upwardly mobile career ahead, they have decided when children come she’ll stay at home and raise them.

In any case, she’s a good example of a woman who is not just ready to be a bride, but who is ready to be a wife. It warms my red pill cynical heart to see, that sometimes people still manage to find their way despite the mainstream madness.

I hope to raise my daughters to be as wise as this young lady.  She’s a great example and role model for any young woman to follow.

Don’t Mistake Feelings for Facts

Tags

divorce, family, marriage, relationships

A common error I see women make in relationships and other areas of life is mistaking emotions as facts.

Facts are truths that don’t change, stand up to scrutiny, and are widely understood. Emotions are feelings which are transient, often don’t stand up to reasoning, and differ from person to person.

When you are upset, stop and ask yourself if you are acting on emotion, or fact. A cooling off period will often shed light on the situation.

Most of all, beware making major life decisions based on emotions rather than fact.

What do you think? Can you give an example of yourself or someone else acting on emotions as if they were fact? What happened?

War Brides

Tags

loyalty, patriotism, red pill, security, stability, war, war bride

As someone who grew up in a military town, I have met and gotten to know many war brides.

Now, the “war bride” phenomenon is one few want to talk about, or acknowledge, as it speaks to a part of woman’s nature that men cannot fathom and many women don’t want to admit, that yet is part of the female internal program.

In short, in times of war, women respond to conquest by adapting to the new reality. They will marry soldiers who recently killed their kin and fathers and sons and brothers. Because the harsh reality is, if they do not find a protector, they are as good as dead.

If they cannot line up such a protector for themselves because of age (post menopause) they will try to align such a match for their younger female kin like everyone’s survival depends upon it, because in a very real way it does.

All of the true war brides I have known (not just women who married American G.I’s stationed in their area in peacetime) all had a certain air to them, an air of regret and unhappiness. An empty, soulless look to their eyes. They survived, yes. But there was a high price to pay.

Women today are quite detached from the reality that all that stands between them and choosing war bride or death are their countrymen.

Trust me, your countrymen are the way to go. Always. Cherish them. Be loyal, supportive and true to them in good times and bad. Bring them tea and sandwiches. Have their back. And be sure to build them up. Little gestures they are, but to men they mean so, so, so much.

If not, your future is as (in)secure as the direction of the latest wind.

Let those who have ears hear.

 

 

 

A World Flipped Upside Down

Tags

culture, family, politics, red pill, society

When did what used to be considered “freakish” and “abnormal” become completely socially acceptable, while at the same time what used to be considered “normal” is now socially unacceptable and labeled as being hate-ist?

We’re berated to be tolerant of everything except what used to be accepted social norms. Meanwhile, being CIS anything is met with intolerance.

One example, people will defend one’s right to burn the flag, but not the right to proudly fly one.

Why are traditional American values, the ideals and principles and norms our country were built upon, now socially unacceptable?

How did we get here? Is this really a good thing?

Considering Divorce? Try This.

Tags

commitment, custody, divorce, family law, red pill, remarriage, single parenting

A gal I know through work has been talking of getting a divorce as long as I have known her. And for as long as I have known her, I have been giving her good reasons why she may want to reconsider.

She’s 35, together 15+ years, married 10 years, has four children (two from a previous relationship, two with her husband.) The oldest is 19, the youngest is 8. She’s been a stay at home mom since they married with the odd job here and there. They aren’t wealthy but they have a nice life, their own home, and enough money to pay the bills each month.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying there is never a reason to divorce, but I have probed and asked and as far as I can see or she is telling me, she is not being abused, he’s not an addict, he isn’t cheating. He goes to work every day, comes home right after, tries to make her happy and provide the things she wants, and is a good father to their children.

So what is the problem? I have written about her situation before but in a nutshell it seems to be a combination of she is bored, she’s frustrated with her own life, she and her husband are engaged in an ongoing power struggle that is killing the relationship, and rather than take steps to remedy the situation she endlessly fantasizes about getting divorced, instead.

I have shared with her what a struggle it can be to be a single mom, to be solely responsible for the family finances, the family chores, and most of the childcare. It’s a stressful and uncertain life, and I often worry about what would happen to my family if something happened to me?

Yet, she still didn’t seem to be hearing any of that. Until another friend of hers sent her the link to a message board of women who are either going through the divorce process or who are recently divorced. I believe her friend thought this message board would help her figure out how to get a divorce too, but it has had the opposite effect.

She’s lurked for hours on the message board, reading the stories of these women and their experiences.

Instead last time I saw her, she admitted she’s not thinking divorce is the solution she once did. It seems after reading real life divorce tales firsthand, she’s decided she doesn’t want to put herself, her kids, or her family through that. And it seems reading about the marriage struggles and problems experienced by other women, her situation suddenly doesn’t seem nearly so bad by comparison.

Another version of this might be going down to the local courthouse and spending a day sitting in and listening to family court.

No marriage is perfect. No marriage is all upside with no negatives. And yes, some marriages are bad news. But many times divorce may not be needed and in fact may be more difficult than repairing fixable issues.

I am happy my friend is reconsidering. I think she’s making a wise choice. I hope she will now spend as much time thinking about how to make her marriage better (and doing those things) as she once did thinking about how she was going to get out of it.

 

A Pre-Feminism Tale

Tags

career, career woman, childbearing, college, fertility, infertility, parenting, pregnancy, red pill

The other day I was talking with a friend who is in her early 60s. She happened to mention, in passing, that her grandmother had been a doctor.

Yes, that’s right, her GRANDMOTHER had been a doctor, specializing in head injuries, no less.

Now considering my friend is a baby boomer, that means her grandmother became a doctor many, many years before feminism supposedly opened up such opportunities to women. How could that be? So naturally I asked more questions.

Interestingly, it turns out her grandmother followed the path currently advised by the red pill, she married young to a good man, had their four children young, raised them while her husband worked his career, and then once their children were grown (her early 40s) she went to college, became a doctor, and started her career. Her grandmother practiced medicine well into her 80s.

It had never occurred to my friend that what her grandmother had accomplished, becoming a female doctor, was perhaps unusual for her time until I pointed it out.

This story is a good example of how today’s thinking that women should put off marriage and children until after she establishes her education and career may not be the optimal path after all. Or that if she marries and has children young, she will “miss” her chance to have a career.

Traditionally women followed their ideal biological life path — having children in their early 20s during their prime childbearing years, then shifting gears toward career as they reached their perimenopausal and menopausal years — when they are unencumbered by children and also will not have to “pause” that career once it is underway, like a woman who aims to establish her career early in life likely will when/if she chooses to have children later in life.

I have known many women of my generation (including myself, I am in my mid-40s and have young children) who put off childbearing until the last possible biological moment because they were mislead that they had all the time in the world to have kids, but not a career.

I was lucky to concieve both times easily and quickly despite my advanced age. Two of  three dear friends heartbreakingly never conceived despite expensive ($10,000+) infertility treatments. A third did finally succeed (happily!) after many tens of thousands of dollars and multiple attempts and is now finding just how difficult it is in reality to maintain a demanding career with an infant. Yet she’s afraid to take time off, lose her connections, and then be unable to restart her career later. A fourth friend didn’t start thinking of marriage and kids until she was in her mid 30s. She has yet to find a mate and at 45, children are now unlikely.

Sadly, these women followed the supposedly new and improved life script, only to find out it has some drawbacks they had never been advised of. No path is perfect. All paths involve possible trade offs. And they always have. And they always will.

It’s something young women of today would be wise to ponder. Does the path recommended to women today really make the most sense based on what she wants in life?

Perhaps the path my babysitter has chosen (to get her degree, have kids, then pursue her career with some additional refresher training when her children are older, then pursue her career in earnest for the second half of her life) lines up more naturally with a woman’s seasons of life?

The thing about life paths is there often aren’t do-overs later when one regrets the path chosen or is unhappy with the trade-offs. So best to figure it out early, and be sure you have thought things through. Both paths involve risk and uncertainty, is one path riskier and less certain?

Discuss. Deliberate. Ponder.

 

The Power of Nesting

Tags

decorating, feminine, housework, nesting, organizing, red pill, woman's work

The other day when I was feeling particularly restless, I decided to channel that pent up energy into cleaning house.

Now cleaning house is not my favorite thing to do, by any means, nor am I particularly domestic. In fact, I was raised to think of housework as “oppressive drudgery” and something to do as least as possible. Domesticity is not my strong suit.

But as I went room to room creating order from chaos, I found my inner mood also became much more calm. The better things looked, the more it spurred me on. After I was done reclaiming the living room from under the piles of stacked and folded laundry I found myself sitting in the now tidy room, relaxing and enjoying the space, feeling calm and serene.

There’s something to nesting that is particularly female, I believe, and perhaps some of our current angst is due to a modern day suppression of this inborn instinct to create a beautiful space.

Unlike most modern women, my babysitter and her clan absolutely revel in household chores, cheerfully doing laundry, cooking up tasty treats, redecorating with ingenuity, and in all ways big and small turning a house (no matter how modest) into a home. It’s a busy hands, happy heart approach to living. Rather than begrudge such chores, they embrace them as an expression of love and nurture for their families, their contribution to the collective good.

Men also appreciate “a woman’s touch” in a home. As one male blogger said, a gal with a comfortable abode stands out in the search for a mate. And what guy wouldn’t love being with a gal who joyfully primps and preens their space rather than constantly harping, nagging, and keeping score with him that all household chores are split absolutely 50/50?

After realizing what a mood lift I got from nesting, it dawned on me that it’s something I have been denying myself, another piece of the feminist narrative it’s high time to discard. There’s nothing “wrong” or “demeaning” in nesting. Quite the opposite — it’s surprisingly deeply gratifying. Nurturing — both to myself and others.

For me, getting started is often the hardest part. It can seem daunting…where to begin? A good friend taught me a wonderful trick she used to get going — set the timer for 15 minutes per room, get as far as you can in 15 minutes, then either take a break, move on to another room, or spend another 15 minute burst in the same area. Somehow knowing I am only going to spend 15 minutes cleaning makes it seem less overwhelming and it is surprising just how far one can get in a 15 minute sprint. Before you know it, you’re done!

So if you too have been raised to see “woman’s work” as something to scorn rather than celebrate, I invite you to join me in embracing the lost art of domesticity. Let me know if you find the same uplift from doing so that I have! Here’s to creating and crafting a beautiful, bountiful nest for you and yours!

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

 

The Need for Struggle

Tags

anxiety, depression, fulfillment, happiness, red pill, strength, struggle

A customer of mine, who is also a psychologist, and I were shooting the breeze the other day and he brought up an interesting thought: that people need struggle in their lives.

Now one would think just the opposite, that a life free of struggles would lead to happiness and contentment. But apparently not.

Not so long ago, say 150 years, life itself provided plenty enough struggle just via day to day living and survival. Most men and women spent their days toiling for survival via planting crops, tending crops, raising animals, running small businesses, doing physical housework, and the like. The need to struggle was largely fulfilled with physical struggle, hard work.

After an industrial and urban way of life largely replaces a subsistence one, there was still struggle as many jobs were still physical. People were largely involved in working in factories, building and manufacturing goods. It was a different kind of struggle than living on a farm, but still plenty strenuous.

In a post industrial world the need for physical struggle to survive day to day has been greatly reduced thanks to modern conveniences such as electricity and plumbing and a variety of labor saving devices that depend on them. Many jobs also replaced physical struggle with a more sedentary day.

Without the need to struggle physically, rather than feel content and happy, people started to struggle emotionally. Literally creating problems for themselves and others when not distracted by true physical struggle to survive.

It’s an interesting idea to ponder, what one might be doing in their own life to fulfill the human need for struggle. Perhaps replacing that with some form of physical struggle via exercise, sports, active hobbies, and the like would actually lead to contentment and happiness far better than trying to eliminate all struggle?

One example of this might explain why studies found people who walk 15 minutes a day (physical struggle) can gain as much relief from depression as those who take antidepressants. The physical exertion literally creates serotonin, eliminating the need for it to be supplemented.

What do you think?  Can you name examples of ways people struggle today? Either self created or not? Can you think of ways people might replace non-productive, self created struggle with productive struggle?

 

It Takes a Village

Tags

battle of the sexes, feminism, oppression, patriarchy, red pill, sexism

There’s a saying that goes, “It takes a village to raise a child,” but have you ever stopped to think about who builds those villages and keeps them running?

I was pondering this the other day:

“I flip on the switch and the light works. I turn on the tap and clean water comes out. Water goes down drains and toilets and washing machines and away. I put the trash out and it disappears. I pick up the phone and police or firemen or medics come. I assume this is all a given when clearly it is not. Women don’t get that very well. That stuff doesn’t “just happen” by a long shot. How many women even understand the supply chain involved in all that happening? Few. Not enough to make it keep happening for sure.”

The first time I heard that men build civilization at a red pill blog, I freaked out and told off the blog author. (Cringe.) After reconsidering for awhile I realized that it was true: Men build civilizations and create the safe and functional conditions villages thrive under.

That means, if it were not for the supposedly “horrible and oppressive” men willing to protect and provide, the villages would not exist.

Yep. Maybe men aren’t so horrible after all? Maybe they aren’t trying to oppress women, but to help them? Maybe they could use some thanks and appreciation for their contributions? Maybe they aren’t the enemy?

Please discuss while at the same time respecting other people’s points of view. Could villages exist without men?

(Not) Forever Young

Tags

battle of the sexes, blue pill, dating, gender, red pill, relationships, womanhood

A comment on the last thread by Sergey points out one of the biggest issues with the “modern woman” script: In youth, the world is her oyster. Anything is possible, options are all open. But then unexpectedly it tops out around age 35. Once one is no longer a young woman, the path becomes murky… where does the path go from here?

He says:

“It’s the best time ever for Western women in their 20s/early 30s. After that, though, the options are the following:
* spinster – crushing loneliness and a feeling of self-inadequacy for most, except radical egoists;
* single mom – financial and emotional strains, a risk of problematic child, a sense of life wasted on upbringing the kids;
* divorcee – effectively one of the above, with bitterness of life wasted on wrong mate/stupid breakup on a whim;
* having a committed partner, without kids – generally trying to conceive, due to the strong social/biological pressure and time until fertility window close running out fast; child-free variety is probably one of the happiest combination;
* having a committed partner, with kids, without career – with life embittered by the sense of missing something other women presumable have (“a care-free single life”, professional achievements etc) – thanks to all that lib-fem messages they are daily bombarded with;
* having a committed partner, with kids and a career – have-it-alls; they have their problems as well, all too common self-shaming of “being a bad mother”, envy to ‘care-free’ lives of single women etc.

Self-contradicting mix of social messages sent to women by society (mostly other women, both “progressive” and “conservative”) seems to cause much harm. The lack of it, a sort of ‘each to her own’ relativism is no better: seems that women are somewhat wired to external validation, and the lack of praise/shame feedback to their choices confuses females even more.”

At one time the female life path was fairly defined. She’s a girl, a maiden, a young woman, a wife, a mother, an empty nester, a grandmother, a matriarch.

Yes the choices were limited, but perhaps that is as liberating as stifling? Studies show the more choices we have, the less satisfied we become, ironically. Without a clear path… is modern woman lost in the wilderness?

What do you think? Please share in the comments (while respecting the viewpoints of others.)