Looks Matter

I know women have been told for decades that looks don’t matter, or that caring about looking good is shallow and playing into the patriarchal system, but while a lot of women wish it were true, the red pill reality is it isn’t.

Now that’s not to say looks are ALL that matters, but initially they matter a lot. Not only in romance but also at work and play.

Humans just are visual creatures and there’s a reason for the expression, “You never get a second chance to make a first impression.”

The good news is female appearance is highly controllable. With attention to make up, hair, clothing, and weight any woman can improve upon her natural strengths and sometimes very signicantly so.

Now, a word on weight in a “don’t fat shame” or “big is beautiful” world, again the reality is women (and men!) look best at their ideal body weight. Even 20 pounds can make a big difference in attractiveness, and more than that significantly so.

Also, these things don’t go away over time, so once a gal is in a relationship it’s no time to slack off. Not that you can’t have the occasional bad day but too many women I know stop caring altogether, then wonder why their guy isn’t as attentive as he used to be.

Losing weight isn’t easy, and should be done healthfully,  but it is possible. And it’s one of the most effective areas to focus on to improve your attractiveness if you aren’t at your ideal weight already.

I agree, judging someone by their looks alone is shallow. And I have known some very attractive people who were terribly ugly inside. But in general, looks matter.

Of course after the initial impression, other things like attitude, personality, and integrity also matter, so focusing on the whole is important, too.

For years I bought into the “you won’t be taken seriously if you are good looking” myth and actually downplayed my appearance thinking that way I would put my intelligence and personality first. Once I realized it was actually fun to look good and that I felt better when I did, I started enjoying the challenge rather than begrudging it.

Not that I am perfect by any means, or that I to this day am one of those gals who is flawlessly put together at all times, but it’s on my radar and it should be on yours too if you want to experience positive improvement in many areas of your life.

Interestingly it’s usually other women who bash attractive gals, or claim looks don’t matter, not men. Why is that? Maybe it’s because other women secretly know looks matter too, and they hope to get an edge by getting others to not?

Anyway, just for fun try it. Spend a week making sure you look your best and see how people in your daily life respond.

There’s rwally no downside (except maybe the occasional catty  glare) and chances are sound so will pay off in lots of good and unexpected ways.

Don’t Put Off Marriage

Here’s an excellent blog post that really explains, from a guy’s point of view, why the common advice to young women to put off marriage is really bad advice.

As too many women find out too late, when you decide at 30 or 35 to get serious about getting serious, you’ve missed the window by a decade or more.

Few men ever love again the way they loved their first love. I wish more girls were taught this.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

A Tinderella Tale

This article on dating in the culture of the hookup pretty much captures examples of all the poor choices young women today should avoid.

Such dating apps may seem fun and harmless at first, not to mention there’s the validation and attention. But in the end it is hollow and empty.

Don’t be a Tinderella, would be my advice. Don’t even go there. I can’t imagine a quicker way someone could mess up their own head.

I also can’t imagine any good coming of any of the people in this story, only a future filled with empty brokenness, increasingly so with time.

Sad. Just don’t!

Mommy Dearest

A new book outlining the importance of mothers in the first few years of life has been receiving a lot of flack because it doesn’t back up the path many mothers are taking today.

The researcher didn’t intend to cause an uproar with her work, she simply wanted to help parents provide the optimal conditions for early childhood development. What she found was that the role of a mother from birth to age three is far more critical than modern women have been led to believe.

Simply put, the researcher found a mother’s care and nurturing serves as an external emotional support system for the child. Babies and young children, she found, depend far more on mothers to help them develop the cognitive ability to cope with the stressors in life and to learn to self regulate their emotions, than anything else.

In short, babies learn these skills from the outside in, with the constant reassuring presence of a mother literally serving as a neurological system by proxy. Short of a stable, emotionally solid mother (the author did admit not all women are suited for the task) the researcher recommended a single constant caregiver during the early years, preferably a female relative.

Interestingly, she found the worst possible environment for  early childhood development was a group daycare setting. Studies showed babies and young children in such an environment were not learning these critical skills while at the same time their blood cortisol levels indicated they were also under great duress caused by the coming and going of multiple caregivers and an overly stimulating environment.

These findings indicated the increase in the emotional and social issues children experience today (poor emotional control, lack of empathy, aggression, social issues, personality disorders, and perhaps even some form of autism) could be caused by mothers going back to work after only a few months rather than after a few years.

Additionally, once those formative years passed, the window for developing these critical developmental skills closed, leading to a lifelong impact, both for the individual and also for society.

Fathers also provide young children with equally important but different skills, the researcher found, such as helping boys learn to regulate and channel aggression in a productive way, as well as helping girls develop a solid sense of self.

Where mom soothes a boo-boo, she said, dads help kids brush it off and get back in the game. Both parents are key, but according to the researcher as far as the day to day care, at least in the first few years, a mother’s presence was far more developmentally critical, while dad’s role dovetails in and grows larger and larger as the child moves from infant hood to toddler to child.

When presenting the premise of her book to a millennial, the author was shocked to get an almost violently angry response and was accused of trying to set women back 50 years. The author was surprised at the reaction, as she never intended her research to be politically charged.

But needless to say, it unintentionally flies in the face of the current narrative that moms and dads are interchangeable, and that any caregiver will do.

Her research does not surprise me, and it is something I just intuitively sensed with my own children. A good friend who is also a therapist advised me, when I asked what makes children grow up to be happy, healthy, functional adults to, “Baby your babies when they are babies. Don’t let them cry it out too young. Attend to their needs. Put them first. Because if you don’t, nothing will ever be enough when they are older.”

I can understand this research may not be what modern women want to hear, but that doesn’t make it any less true. The author recommended women who desire children should take an attitude that they can have it all, career and motherhood, but not all at once.  Those initial years spent working towards helping baby develop cognitively and emotionally will pay off far more than currently believed — in fact, for a child’s entire lifetime.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

The Three Date Rule

Soon after finding the manosphere I was horrified to learn of the “three date rule.” In short, if a gal wasn’t sleeping with a guy by or before date three, it meant she wasn’t sufficiently attracted to him and he should “next” her.

Now I get the reasoning, and also that many a gal doesn’t even wait until date three to drop the knickers, but I found myself uncomfortable with this whole concept. How could I navigate the dating scene without racking up my N count?

Luckily, the manospherians helped me navigate the waters. They said first, never go on more than one date with a guy you were SURE you weren’t into. And if you couldn’t decide before date three, that may be a sign it’s not a match, too. And it’s true, leading guys on who you have already decided you aren’t into isn’t fair or nice. Don’t dilly dally or friend zone someone leaving them with hopes it will someday be “more” if it won’t.

See, it’s not so much that these guys think you OWE them sex for the dates, but they just don’t want to get strung along only to hear months down the line, “Gosh, I just don’t think of you in that way.” Fair enough.

However, if I was into a guy but didn’t want to jump in the sack at the end of date three, the solution they said was to be demonstrating value at every opportunity, making it clear in other ways that I was interested (like baking him cookies!), while clearly stating that I was not comfortable with casual sex, and to say demurely, “Not yet,” rather than “No.”

So I did. And it mostly worked. Yes, sometimes I didn’t make it past date three, or even one, but on the other hand I kind saw it as a way to screen out being played. Not that he had to put a ring on it by date three either, but at least by then we both should have a sense if there was a “there-there.”

In my mind sex is way too intimate of a thing to be engaging in with practical strangers. And in my mind, three times in someone’s presence makes them a practical stranger. But then again, I am the kind of person who knows lots of people but can count on one hand those I would truly consider friends.

Ladies, like myself, you may be reacting pretty strongly to this three date rule idea, as I did at first. But after hearing it from a guys point of view, and really putting myself in their shoes, I get it. They don’t want to be played either. Who does?

Dating used to be about courtship. People were looking for a spouse, not for a hook up. Well, while that world sounds charming, let’s just admit it’s not been seen in most circles for a long time now. Which is too bad. The courtship model has a lot of advantages. Sadly in the name of progress, it was discarded as “old fashioned” and replaced with this new way.

Modern dating, if people even call it dating anymore, occurs in jaded and cynical waters. I am not a big fan of these new rules, but I understand Pandora is out of the box, and so each one has to make the best of it.

My advice? Bake cookies for guys you are interested in “something more” with, rather than rack up your N count hoping to get another date. It’s not a perfect system, but then again neither is the alternative.

Let those with ears hear.

Bimbo is a Bad Word

I am not sure exactly when or how it happened, but many women today are acting much like bimbos.

Thing is being a bimbo is a bad thing to be, or it used to be widely understood as such.

Bimbos go for loser guys who break their hearts. They dress and act in ways that draw the wrong sort of attention. Bimbos are unfaithful. Bimbos can’t control themselves or their emotions. Their choices and actions eventually lead to poverty, misery, and aloneness. Bimbos make bad choices time and again but don’t seem to learn from their mistakes.

Don’t kid yourself, being a bimbo is not the new black. It’s no better than it ever was, and it’s not working any better than it ever did.

How did the women’s movement lead to more bimbos and less women of character? Ironic, isn’t it?

 

Don’t Lose the War

Tags

advice, affair, break up, break ups, dating, divorce, family, life, love, marriage, red pill, relationships, security, separation, wedding

A comment about quarrelsome disrespectful women by regular commenter Deti had me thinking how many women err by trying to win every battle, then lose the war.

He says:
All I can tell you is this:

When a man’s wife or long term woman disrespects him one too many times, whatever existed before is completely destroyed. Gone. Whatever he felt for her – gone. Whatever he was willing to do for her before, he’s no longer willing to do, or capable of doing. Everything. Gone. Leveled. Not one stone left standing on stone.

And he never forgets it. Oh, he can forgive. He can move on. You can even move on together. But the things you said, the things you did, to destroy it all, are never forgotten. Not ever. Some things you say, you cannot unsay. You can’t take them back. Some things you do cannot be undone. That history will always be there. Always. It will never ever go away. It will always color the way he sees you. You will be forever different to him.

He can, and probably will, get past it eventually. Your relationship might survive. But whatever it was before will not be again. You will have to reconstruct everything. What is built back will not look like what was before. Many times, it will not look anything like what it was before. And you will have to live with that. Or not.

A man can take a lot of disrespect from a woman. And he can go a long time with it. But when you get to “too much” or “one too many times”, it’s done. DONE. OVER. You’ve knocked it all down, destroyed it all. And whatever was before, will never be again.

Perhaps a little food for thought for womenfolk as they wisely and prudently consider their men.

I have seen this happen in marriages where the woman is constantly nagging, harping, and threatening to leave. Over time the husband just checks out. He may remain married but the love and caring and wanting to do for her is gone. Dead marriage walking.

In other cases I have seen this with a single fatal blow, such as an affair or a particularly nasty fight where things are said in anger that change everything forever.

Its not a good place to be and it is avoidable. Ponder Deti’s words well, you don’t want to win the battle but lose the war.

Let those with ears hear.

Don’t Be a Victim

Women today likely have more rights, protection, and power than any other time in history. But yet, in many circles, women are sold the story that they are suffering every single day from oppression, sexism, and powerlessness.

Finally, someone is speaking out about the danger of the victim narrative. Sure enough, being constantly told or believing you are a victim leads to feelings of anxiety and helplessness.

Of course it would! If one is on edge, seeing everyday situations as microaggressions and assaults, it only makes sense this would not lead to confidence, empowerment, or stability.

So why does the narrative persist? Maybe because to give up victimhood means having to take ownership of ones success or failure rather than blaming “outside forces” beyond one’s control.

But trust me on this, much better to own your life than to believe it floats in some capricious wind, ready to be snatched away or defeated the moment you begin to win.

In reality, (the far majority of) men are not out to get you. They are not trying to hold you down, take away from your success, or control and oppress you. They are actually facing more systemic discrimination than you are, in today’s culture.

Yep. Males of European descent are now the ONLY group that it’s completely socially sanctioned to discriminate against. Is that really equality? Or reverse oppression?

It’s time for women to let go of the victim label and either sink or swim. We wanted equality, well here it is. And yes, it pretty much is both better and sucks in different ways.

Welcome to reality.

Let those with ears hear.

 

Heed the Captain’s Orders

A simple interaction between Dancer and her guy led me to reflect how women could improve their relationships by viewing their guy as the captain (and themselves as the co-captain) rather than as equals.

They had just been working in the rain and were getting ready to drive (for her first time) up to his house for the weekend.

“Go change into some dry clothes and dry your hair,” he said, not in any way bossy, but direct and matter of fact.

She said, “No, it’s ok, I am fine. I don’t need dry clothes.”

Now maybe she was trying to be not difficult by just living with the wet clothes but instead she annoyed him.

“Dancer, go change into dry clothes.” By this time I could see it was an order not a request. Still, she repeated she was fine and it wasn’t necessary. She wasn’t trying to be difficult, but she was.

He gave her THE LOOK. She went and changed. I grabbed them some cookies for the road, which he gladly accepted.

While she was changing he explained he didn’t understand why everything had to be “a fight.” All he wanted was her to be dry so they didn’t have to drive for two hours in a fogged up truck.

Its really not that hard to just follow the Captain’s orders, is it? Even if he doesn’t explain they why behind it, or it doesn’t make sense, or seems unnecessary. So long as it’s not going to cause any imminent harm, why not? Doing so will improve your standing in your man’s eyes as well as reduce frustration and unnecessary strife.

Let those who have ears hear.

Russian Guys

Much has been written in the manosphere of the feminine nature of Eastern European women, so I thought I would share a recent run in with the Russian-born guy.

Marco and Sergio are in their mid to late 40s, and we became acquaintances when I replied to an ad for a refurbished washer dryer set. After an email and a phone call I felt the situation was on the up and up and I set up a time to have the units delivered and installed. (And my old set hauled away, including the washer stuck on extra small load for over two years! Ug. Bye bye!)

Marco is the mastermind of the pair, not good looking, not fit, but very very smart. I get the sense no matter what one needed, Marco is “the guy” who could make the connection. To be “in” with Marco clearly opens doors and makes life easier. In addition to wheeling and dealing in appliances of all sorts, this Serbian is also a real estate investor who specializes in flipping properties in multiple states.

Marco liked Dancer and I so much he returned the following day with his pretty and demure Ukrainian wife, and their three young sons. He’s obviously proud and fond of his wife, and I noticed no attitude or drama from her toward Dancer and I. She treated us as esteemed sisters, not rivals (which we are not but some women see all women as such, especially non married women, so her attitude was refreshing.)

Sergio is the looker and smooth talker of the two. From Uzbekistan initially, but proudly American now. He reminds me of Zeus and his sons, confident, flirty, and very self assured. He’s good looking and he knows it. He’s the sales guy of the two.

Sergio is married as well. Widowed once, with four children, and now a second wife who has two of her own. He proudly showed us photos of his strikingly beautiful wife and his middle daughter, proudly bragging how people confuse them as sisters (and they do look very alike!) plus photos of the whole clan. I joked soon the tribe will be much larger as grand babies arrive, (two so far) and I swear he preened!

Now don’t get me wrong, none of it was one bit inappropriate, but just as men speak of the feminine ease of Russian and Eastern European women, the men are likewise at ease with their masculinity. Marco and Sergio took the stage w Dancer and I but never did we feel oppressed or suppressed, rather it was a natural, playful, innocent, and easy banter.

I have never been completely at ease with the manosphere definition of Alphas and betas but I would say these two men are both Alpha but perhaps of different types. Marco is a financial/connection Alpha, while Sergio is more of a natural sort.

I have a feeling we will see them all again, and I look forward to observing them more.

The untamed masculine male, unapologetic, unencumbeted, at ease with his maleness. That’s what I saw with at least these two. I wonder if their women are so feminine in natural reaction to the masculine. Hard to say. But interesting to ponder.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.