Teach Your Children Well

Tags

advice, failure to launch, life, millennials, next generation, parenting, red pill

Recently I had the experience of sitting with a 22-year-old gal as she filled out online job applications. Let’s just say, it became painfully obvious very quickly, this girl is in no way prepared for the world. Not even close.

I’ll spare the details to preserve the innocent but let’s just say if one thinks answering the question, “How long do you plan to stay in this job?” with “A. Less than three months” (even if true) is the “best” answer, one is missing something. Likewise filling out FOUR online job applications (and one’s top picks at that) with a cell phone number that is currently disabled because one didn’t pay it, as the primary contact, without realizing that is not a good plan until I pointed out the obvious, well… I was speechless.

Now I don’t know her well enough to know her whole story, but my guess is there is a big fail in there somewhere in the parenting of this young woman. My guess is the parent/s took the friend-rather-than-leader route, so popular today. She may mean well but she’s as clueless as a lamb to slaughter, wholly unprepared for the reality of life as an adult ahead. And with no safety net to fall back on, no kin themselves able to carry her for a bit more, this kid is really looking at a very tough and not fun future.

It’s all obviously her problem and responsibility to deal with now, but I would say it’s not totally her fault. Not that excuses will solve anything. It’s now time for this gal to focus on the solution, not the problem, or the source of these problems. After she overcomes them, maybe then she will have time for that. But first she’s got to grasp the problem, which her lax attitude did not seem to suggest.

All this brought to mind a quote I heard somewhere along the way, maybe in comments here, that kids have enough friends, what they need their mom and dad to do for them is to be their parents. Amen.

Not that I am a perfect parent myself by any means, but it was a reminder to me that I am my children’s guide, and while I am in the trenches day-to-day, my real job is to prepare them to launch into this world as a functional adult. And that the time to accomplish that in is limited, never to come again. While it seems far away now, it’s really right around the corner. If I fail them in this, I set them up for a lifetime of struggle, failure, and angst. And worse — dependance, victimization, and subsisting on the scraps of life.

A friend who is also a therapist once said to me, being a kid’s pal, giving in at the moment for peace and quiet, vs actually “parenting” them (with guidance, limits, rules, corrections, consequences, etc.) is the lazy way out. It’s selfish, and immature. It’s the strategy of a parent who refuses to grow up enough to BE a parent. Many times such a child has to do their best to parent themselves, and sadly also often parent their own parent at the same time.

I am not saying there is no hope ahead for this girl, but even in my infinite patience and innate desire to see the best in one, I was struggling to stay positive about her chances of a successful future. She has so much to learn, and the time to learn all that was long before now when she faces rent, bills she has no way to pay, and the very real possibility of being homeless if she doesn’t get a job, any job, in the next month.

When she was younger, lessons and consequences were smaller. The cost of failure, smaller to overcome. Now she’s near the end of the runway and there is yet no takeoff. Now what? I can only hope rubber grips road very, very soon and this failure to launch is somehow against all odds overcome.

In exasperation I finally said the obvious — “How about modeling?” The girl is very attractive, slim, six-feet-tall, and looks about 15. Naturally she said no, that would be “objectifying.” (“She’s got her looks and youth,” some may say. “Pair her off with someone to take care of her,” they may suggest? Too late. At the moment she is in a relationship with a gal even LESS capable than herself, if you can imagine that.  She’s somehow gotten herself into the position of being a sole breadwinner, minus the ability to bake.  A  Millennial experience? On the other hand, they may be able to move in with girlfriend’s mom so perhaps there is this??? Or wait, GF is less prepared, so this suggests even LESS parenting to be had at her place.)

At that point I decided for my own sanity to let it rest for the time being. Maybe after I regroup, I will give it another go. Maybe not. In the end, this is not my monkey, and this is not my circus. I can only do or give so much when I have my own battles to fight.

Teach your children well. If not, their future may well become a living hell.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

 

 

 

Choose Wisely

Something women should do is choose who they surround themselves with wisely.

Why? We tend to adopt the views and habits of those around us.

So for example if you value marriage and family, best to surround yourself with likeminded pals who share your goals and ideals. Likewise, surrounding yourself with women pondering frivorce, or who live a “sex in the city” lifestyle, or who don’t value marriage and family would be unwise.

Attitude and emotions are infectious. I know many times I have been feeling perfectly fine, only to have time spent with negative women running down their man, marriages, jobs, etc. leave me feeling drained and dissatisfied myself. I call such negative get togethers “hen sessions” and now avoid them at all costs. These groups can be found anywhere — even in church bible study groups!

I found the same effect can happen with television. Talk shows are one example. After half an hour of listening to people who have made bad choices and have big problems, it’s hard not to feel upset, angry, or down yourself.

Social media is another area where this can easily occur. I finally decided to forgo it altogether when it turned the corner from a fun way to share photos with family and friends and into a quagmire of people arguing and disagreeing about everything under the sun.

Pay attention to the attitudes and life choices of those in your inner circle. Are they people who inspire and uplift you or people who leave you feeling defeated and down. Not that everyone can’t have an occasional off day, but overall is their glass half full or half empty?

Its OK to step back or take a break from the toxic people in your world for your own sake. It doesn’t have to be a big blow up, you can simply fade away.  If you must interact with them at work, family gatherings, or other social situations take steps to insulate yourself from their rays of gloom as much as possible.

Time is too precious to spend with people or activities that bring negativity and drama into your world. Trust me, you will be a lot happier without all the angst.

Seek out those who are happy and healthy themselves. You’ll build each other up and enjoy doing it. Better to just have a single friend of this sort than oodles of the other.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

Crafting a Life

I’ll admit, the red pill gets to me at times. It can seem overwhelmingly negative, defeatist, hopeless even. In a world so upside down, with such unrest and instability, what’s the point?

When I feel like that, I refocus on the gift the red pill can give — the chance to craft a life. A life based in reality, yes, but at least a reality that has some chance of success versus pipe dreams and fairy tales.

And even more, the chance to craft a life not only for myself but for my children. A hope to help them avoid the snares and pretty little lies that lead so many astray. To help them get it right.

Sure, I sometimes miss the days when I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Or I think I do until I remember how poorly all that really worked.

The red pill can be bitter, reveal harsh truths we’d rather not see, detonate all once held to be true. Yet it’s only from there one gets the chance to rebuild — wiser, better, stronger. The chance to truly craft a life well lived.

What do you think? How has the red pill changed your life for better or worse? Please share in the comments.

 

 

Unconditional Love

Tags

commitment, forgiveness, life advice, love, pets, red pill, true love

We could learn a lot from animals, especially about unconditional love.

Since I was young I have always felt a special bond with animals. Compared to people they seemed refreshingly honest and true. They love simply, totally, and unconditionally.

In the love and commitment department, I’d say animals put us to shame. Imagine how much better of a world it would be if humans loved each other that way?

Dogs, for example, don’t leave each other. That’s why it is so traumatic for a dog to be given away — it’s something they simply don’t do, or understand. Commitment till death do you part is an automatic to them.

Indeed we could learn a lot from our furry friends about love, commitment, forgiveness, loyalty, not holding grudges, and living in the moment. I’d suggest when one struggles in love they ask themselves, “What would a dog do?” And try doing that. I know it sounds simple but for all our supposedly superior brainpower, I see more animals getting it than people.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

Don’t Just Go With It

Tags

break ups, breakups, dating, hookups, marriage, red pill, relatonships

While in the car with the kids and Dancer’s youngest we were listening to the radio. It was set to a channel with today’s top music.

The lyrics of one song struck me. It basically was about relationships, advising to “Just go with it,” and “To see where it goes.”

This is popular relationship advice aimed at young women today, but for the most part it’s really bad advice.  Just like hookup culture, casual sex, and no strings attached are bad advice.

Women who get involved in undefined or poorly defined sexual relationships hoping they will “maybe” go somewhere or turn into something are setting themselves up for repeated and needless pain.

It opened the door to a teachable moment about valuing oneself. About a really good talk about how girls they knew or saw taking this route were not having success but rather multiple failures.

I encouraged the girls to take the path less travelled. While other girls are dating young and getting all wrapped up in boys, they could instead invest all that energy in themselves, in learning life skills, in preparing themselves for their future forever guy and for a happy, stable life.

Multiple rejections, heartbreaks, and bad experiences do the opposite. One only needs to look around in real life to see many examples of that. Painting it as “normal” teenage rights of passage has lead to a lot of destruction. As has the common, “just go with it” advice.

I hope a seed was planted. I wish someone had told me these things at their age.

What do you think? Please share in the comments!

Find Someone Who Likes YOU

I would wish this was obvious, but based on my outside observations of several friends navigating the dating market, it apparently isn’t — finding someone who likes YOU should be a baseline.

Instead they are with guys who roll their eyes, make comments behind their backs, and are so obviously not into THEM it’s not funny.

Sure these guys like the easy and available sex, stretching things out for months or even years, but sadly it’s clear they really don’t like or value the PERSON they are having that sex with. So much so they show up at the last minute possible and split as soon as they can. More than not.

Granted, no story is one sided. Perhaps these gals aren’t demonstrating value outside the bedroom. Maybe they are putting all their eggs in one basket. Maybe there is no there-there otherwise?

Now, if you want to be more than a booty call or hook up, of course step one is be likable. Don’t be bs drama. Don’t play all sorts of tiring games. Add value to the overall. Add more than. Be a gal worth committing to.

And then, after making sure you are all you can be, find someone who likes YOU. Not someone who likes having easy sex with you. But someone who actually likes YOU.

Don’t kid yourself either. If they are leaving as soon as they can, every single time, something is wrong. Even if they toss crumbs to keep you on the line, don’t fool yourself.

Its hard to face the truth, but the truth can also set you free. Free to spend that time with someone who likes YOU.

That’s the good stuff. Low drama and low angst relationships may not be the fodder of romance novels or rom cons but in real life that’s the equation I see working for the couples that really work.

Let those who have ears hear.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

That’s So 2017

Dancer is trying to sell her broken car via social media. Yesterday she got this inquiry:

X: Hi, I am interested in your car.

D: Great! It’s not running but if you are handy, it needs x,y, and z. I am asking $400.

X: OK. But I need you to know I am transgender. Are you OK with that? What’s your phone number?

D: Sure, no worries. $400 and it’s yours. When would you like to come look at it?

X: I know my profile name is Brian but now I go by Rachel. Is that OK? What’s your phone number?

D: OK Rachel, when would you like to come see the car? It’s yours for $400 cash.

X: I am not sure. What’s your number?

D: Ok, think it over! Let me know if you decide when you want to see it.

(D wanted to say, but didn’t, that Rachel may want to update the profile name from Brian to the preferred name to eliminate such need to [over] explain.)

Bottom line, are you interested in buying a car, or just looking for… Not sure what that would even be?!?!??? Dancer was for sure NOT giving out her phone number to explore it further.

It was such a 2017 moment. Peak outrage culture? (We can only hope!)

The Problem With #MeToo

Tags

#metoo, feminism, gender politics, gender relations, post-feminist, red pill, third wave feminism, third wave feminist

The #metoo movement that was aimed at apparently empowering women is ironically doing just the opposite. Now I am not talking about cases where the #metoo refers to actual rape or sexual assault here. I am not denying such things occur, and they are not OK.

But when #metoo starts going into the realm of, “a guy looked at me that I didn’t want to look at me,” well that’s just stupid. That’s not aggression. That’s not micro aggression. That’s just stupid.

Or even if a man approaches and asks one out, and the gal isn’t interested? That’s not aggression. That’s not micro aggression. That’s just not a match. Whatever happened to saying, “Thanks but I am not interested,” and moving on?

Why after 40-plus years of empowerment and independence are women increasingly seeming to become even less able to handle the world they live in than ever?

Reducing #metoo to every incident where a guy one isn’t interested in looking at one or approaching one becomes elevated to the same level as true sexual assault or rape is absurd.

Maybe women could try being less triggered. Maybe women could take ownership of their own emotional regulation rather than expect the whole world to tiptoe around them?

Isn’t that what being strong, independent, and empowered means? Able to handle life?

Either women need to be under the constant protection, lock, and guard of an outside controlling force or they don’t. The actions and hysteria of some women of late seems to imply some may be incapable of managing.

Is that really the direction we want things to go? I know I sure don’t.

What do you think? Please share in the comments.

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Day Game

Tags

dating, Day game, flirting, pick up, red pill, romance

Today I experienced an example of day game. Day game is a technique of catching a gals attention during the day, when they are going about their daily round. Supposedly day game sneaks in under a gal’s “pick up radar” and some find it more approachable and effective than going to bars or clubs.

I was in a nearby urban area, on a rather “trendy” street because I was looking for something specific. I stopped in the store, had a great experience w the very helpful and friendly sales gal, and then walked out the door w my purchase.

I was just strolling along, probably smiling and lost in thought, not paying much attention when out of the corner of my eye I spotted a very good looking and well dressed  man strolling with a friend staring at me with a very intimate look. I could only describe it as the way you would look at someone you love deeply.

Flustered, I blushed, smiled, and kept walking.

Because I was in the city I had exchanged my usual muck boots and flannel for a mid-calf scoop neck (but not low) black t-shirt material dress with 3/4 sleeves and a floaty, feminine floral open jacket on top with black ballet flats. I had my makeup on, hair fixed, and even a necklace, bracelet, and earrings. Pretty dressed up for me but hey it’s “town” so I try to spiff up.

Maybe I reminded him of his sister or something, maybe he likes gals in dresses, who knows, as there were no words exchanged. I could be way off. So I can’t say for sure it was day game or what but if so I have a feeling it works pretty well for him.

I suppose at that point a gal could drop her keys, or ask for the time or directions or something. I am not really sure how that works and while I appreciated the glance I didn’t want to encourage anything more.

I know there’s this perception that guys who do well with women are jerks, and some are, but a lot of Romeo types actually adore women and it is that “fall in love with every girl who walks by” that works in their favor.

Now whether such a man is a good bet long term is questionable. But they do start off as fun and flattering and light.

I know in my case I don’t notice a guy until I notice him noticing me. Just like I would not have noticed this guy today otherwise.

It’s just a field study example.  And I just took it as the flattery it was, and thought about how great my guy is, and how glad I am to be off the market. I was never very good at games anyway.

What do you think of day game? Have some examples of your own? Please share in the comments!

 

Handling a Break Up

Tags

break up, breakups, divorce, red pill

With my roommate suddenly single, I have recently been giving break up advice. So I thought as long as I am sharing it, may as well share it here too.

Much of this I learned when my own relationship ended with little warning, leaving me single with two kids and no explanation or willingness to work things out from the other side. I was devastated, to say the least. It was horrible.

Somehow I found a website (https://lovesagame.com) about breakup recovery that was a Godsend during that dark time. I highly recommend every article on it!

This infographic from there sums breakup recovery strategy much better than I can:

Another thing the site suggested was to not focus on what the OTHER person is doing/thinking/feeling, and to focus on your OWN recovery.

Let’s face it, break ups suck. But they can also serve as a huge growth experience and an opportunity to craft the life you want. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

What do you think?  Do you have any break up coping tips? Advice for the recently single? Please share in the comments!