As I discussed in this post, some people seem very attached to the idea that men and women are the same and that we only act differently because we are taught to.
Are men and women different? Obviously, physically, yes. But I believe it goes much deeper than that and the time I have spent reading up in the manosphere has confirmed that – men and women think very differently from each other. Here’s a good post at a controversial, but eye opening, manosphere site on that very topic.
I can even see this while observing toddlers interact at my daughter’s preschool. At ages 2-5, it’s possible that these children have picked up some gender social cues but I think their behavior at this age is fairly uninfluenced.
The girls and boys interact and there are degrees of these behaviors from child to child but in short the boys are much more physically active, build things, stack blocks vertically into towers, interact with each other physically, change activities frequently, and in general roar about like little warriors.
The girls are more likely to sit and engage in quiet activities, enjoy imaginary role type games, play dress up, stack blocks horizontally, interact with each other verbally, and engage in more subdued activities.
Nobody tells them to do this, they just do it. All of the activities are open choice and there are no rules that the boys need to do this and the girls need to do that, they just do.
My theory is that a lot of the problems in the modern dating and relationship realm are caused by this misinformation that men and women are the same. That denying these differences makes men and women somehow more equal. Poppycock.
What it’s done is left women acting more like men and men acting more like women, a sort of coming to the middle that isn’t really working for either side.
What’s so wrong about admitting that men and women are different? That maybe they are two parts of a larger whole? And that it works best when women act like women and men act like men?
Oh wait I know, because that’s sexist. Or something. Okey dokey.
It’s no secret that the male and female minds work differently, but have you ever heard of the word solipsism? It’s a particular feature of the female mind that somehow interprets all information, comments, and actions as being about her personally.
Now I am sure there is a biological reason women’s brains are wired this way, and that overall it helps women and serves a purpose, but it can also cause a lot of problems and misunderstandings if a gal is unaware of the tendency to think it’s all about her.
Likewise, this tendency can also cause a gal to overlook the thoughts, feelings, and needs of others because she is too busy focusing on her own.
For example, one male commenter at a popular manosphere website described past relationships where he was considering proposing. In both cases he asked first what the gal thought she would get from their marriage. And both times, she was ready with her long list. Then he’d ask what he would get. And he’d get a blank stare. In both cases the gals could not come up with one thing! He said even a reply that was wrong would have been better than realizing they had never thought about that at all. (Surprise! Proposals were not forthcoming.)
Another male commenter described how he was recovering from a very serious accident, barely able to walk or get up without much pain and effort. A former flame heard of his plight and rushed to his side. But instead of paying any attention to what he needed, maybe making him some soup and holding his hand, she ended up getting mad at him because they didn’t have the romantic encounter (aka sex) she was expecting. (This, despite the fact that his entire ribcage had nearly been crushed among other near fatal injuries and he was in no condition to get busy.) She left in a snit.
Another commenter shared the painful tale of his wife suddenly deciding after being married for several years and having children that she, “just wasn’t happy.” She, “loved him but wasn’t in love with him.” And so she left, with the kids. What did he get? To make hefty monthly alimony and child support payments and to rebuild his frivorce shattered world. Despite his reportedly being a good and loving husband.
Noted, there are two sides to every story, but the point here is in all these cases, solipsism actually caused these women to lose. Yes, you read that right. These women actually let their solipsism derail what they wanted. A proposal. A reconnection. And in the third case the woman did not find happiness, instead she found life to be much harder and less stable on her own. Her choice did not lead to happiness for her (or the kids!)
So while solipsism is an inborn feature of the female mind, it does not always work in a woman’s best interest or lead to her making good choices, for others or even for herself. Being aware of this, stopping to think about the bigger picture, remembering it’s not all about her, understanding despite what women are told they really can’t have it all yet not give up anything, and taking the needs and wants of others into consideration won’t just serve other people, it will also ironically help the woman herself avoid a solipsism induced disaster.
In short, don’t be your own worst enemy, ladies. Be aware of solipsism and how it can cloud your thinking. And while you are at it, take any “go girl”” solipsistic type advice from gal pals with a grain (or mountain) of salt too.
Yesterday’s post at another red pill aware gal’s blog got me to thinking about where exactly women would be in a world without men willing to keep it safe and functioning?
Short story: In big trouble, whether women or especially feminist women want to admit it or not.
In the blog post linked above, the author points out that 412 of the 414 first responders who died on 9/11 were men. It’s a staggering number. 412 out of 414.
And the thing I realized after pondering that is it not only happened that day, but it is happening every single day. On the front lines fighting for our country’s safety or on the front line responding to 911 dispatch calls that there’s a burglar, fire, accident, or some other emergency — men are there.
I know it’s a lot more popular to bash men these days than to praise them, but think for a moment what it would be like to live in a world where when you called 911, nobody showed up? If there was no such thing as 911. If the only military or police forces around were corrupt and run by local warlords? If in your time of need you were on your own, sister, deal with it?
Likewise, imagine if all those job sites where men are building buildings, or those road projects where new roads are being built or old ones repaired, or when there’s a huge storm and a tree goes through the power lines, or insert major-infrastructure-of-any-sort here were simply empty — no hardworking men showing up in all sorts of weather making sure it’s all getting done.
Imagine of all the cargo transportation services, again overwhelmingly a male industry, stopped delivering. No trains. No planes. No trucks.
I could go on and on but what I am getting at here is when you stop to think about it, the answer to the question, “What have men done for you, lately?” is actually, “A heck of a lot.”
And I know, I know there are women doing many of these jobs and women are capable of doing many things, but pointing out all that men do in no way diminishes women, does it?
And let’s face it, women aren’t employed in huge numbers in these jobs by their own choice. Women by and large don’t *want* to do these jobs. But they need done. And men do them.
And I for one am grateful, and I hope I never live in a world where I have to wonder if anyone will respond when I call 911, or when our country is attacked, or when a bridge collapses, or when the power goes out. I hope I don’t have to take all that on myself, or let’s face it, more likely do without.
And here’s another thought, do men do all these things because they hate women and live to oppress them and because they think they are better than them? Nope. No they do not. They do it because they care about people, including women, because they care about society and civilization. They care so much they are willing to sacrifice their own safety and life in the process if necessary.
Huh. Isn’t that interesting? When was the last time you heard that on a women’s talk show? Or read that in a women’s magazine?
Of course sure, there are bad guys, and the hijackers of 9/11 were all male, and some men do indeed do bad things. But that’s a very, very small portion of all men actually. Most men are great guys, hardworking and true.
So as unpopular as it is to say these days, I am going to say it. Thank you, men! I couldn’t do it without you, and I wouldn’t want to. I appreciate all you do. I appreciate that you do it so well, it’s nearly invisible and seamless. I am glad I have never lived in a world without all these things you do, or had to wonder if you would. And I hope I never will. Thank you.
And you know what, it doesn’t take anything away from me or what I have achieved or done to say that. And it doesn’t put down other women, either, or mean I don’t also think women have value and need appreciation.
But in this blog post, it’s about the guys and me thanking them for all they do. They certainly deserve it. This one is all about them.
Ladies, if you want to better understand how (some) guys think, this video is worth a watch. While many men may not approach the art of the pick up as methodically as this one (who makes a living thinking about and teaching other men how to approach women) it’s a good lesson in why those accidental meetings and magic moments may not be quite as accidental as you might believe. Plus, it’s pretty funny.
P.s. while this blogger can indeed be crude and rude and makes no bones about it, I don’t believe him to be the villain he’s been painted to be. In fact, by reading his blog I think women could learn a lot about what not to do if you don’t want to get picked up in a bar and then pumped and dumped. In a weird way, he and other pick up artists are doing everyone a favor by pointing out how easy it can be to pick up and bang women because let’s face it, it has become too easy. Don’t be easy. That’s the solution.
Ladies, do you know anyone (maybe yourself) who is in a loveless marriage or relationship?
A comment on a message board by a man whose first marriage failed but his second marriage is thriving because he “games” his wife got me thinking, maybe a lot of relationships flop because people (both men and women) make the mistake of thinking once a commitment is made, wooing, or even just downright good behavior, is no longer necessary?
As I think about the couples I know who are struggling, as well as reflecting back on my own marriage and another serious LTR that eventually failed, in many cases it’s because of that fatal flaw — one or both partners think they now have a “get out of effort free” card. All that effort they spent wooing their mate gets redirected toward other areas in life, instead.
It is a lot of work to attract a partner, as anyone in the dating market can surely attest. I can see why it might be tempting to think all that effort isn’t needed once a relationship is solidified. But I think the opposite is true — couples should never stop dating, never stop wooing his or her mate.
That said, it doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. It really doesn’t take much effort at all to show someone (not just tell them) that they are special, and in fact your very most special someone. An unexpected note in their vehicle wishing them a great day, their very favorite meal made on a non-special occasion, surprising him in lingerie, sending him a racy text while he is on lunch break from work, none of these things require huge financial investment or an extraordinary amount of time, and yet these small gestures can pay off big time.
One SAHM (stay at home mom) I know, who is unhappily married, has admittedly gotten lost in her four children. She puts them and their needs on a pedestal yet doesn’t see the need to do so for her spouse. They have not once gone on a date or weekend away without the kids, much less an extended vacation. She dotes on her children and yet voices outrage that her husband dares voice he’d at least like to be on par with the kids (and really, imho he should come FIRST, not last.) She admits to rarely having sex, and even then in this begrudging “just get it over with” way. Blech.
And while I don’t know both sides of the story, the behavior she moans about, him not being happy, his snippy attitude, his not putting in effort in the bedroom, his not caring about her happiness, I wonder how much of that is a result of her lack of investment? How much is really tit for tat?
But instead of seeing that, she continues to blame HIM rather than to take a proactive approach. He should be prince charming to her princess. When I gently urge her to try making a fuss over him, telling him how much she appreciates his sacrifices (like working a job that requires hard physical labor in extreme heat and cold and miserable conditions, daily, for the past 10+ years so she could be at home with the kids), making the moves on him, or scheduling a date or weekend away, she looks at me like I have gone mad! What? I am supposed to be sympathizing with her, not the enemy!
But I refuse to do it. Because I made the same mistakes in my marriage, and I am now a single mom, and while she thinks I have all this freedom and a glamorous lifestyle of excitement and fun, in reality I know firsthand the grass isn’t greener. It’s not easier to be a single mom than a married one, by a long shot. Trust me on this.
She seems to on one hand be quite distressed that her marriage is so unhappy yet stubbornly wants her husband to take the first steps to make things right. But in the end, in all areas of life, relationships included, you get out what you put in.
And in the end, what is she risking? A little effort needed to stoke the fires of romance and breathe new life into her marriage? The risk that it might not work? Yes, that risk is there. But there’s also the very real possibility that instead of being in an unhappy marriage, she could find herself (and her children) in a happy one. That opportunity is within her grasp. But not if she doesn’t change her attitude.
Love is a verb. Never stop loving your mate. Like a lifetime of slow, small, steady investments, it will likely pay off big time in the end over a lifetime of haphazard big investments of love on the expected anniversaries and holidays and then long stretches without in between.
Hey you, running around in pajama bottoms and flip flops, did you know guys cringe at gals running around in pajama bottoms and flip flops and letting it all hang out like nobody cares how you look?
Yep. they do.
Well if you are a college hottie you might get a pass, but in general guys like girls who look good.
I know, I know…how sexist. That’s objectifying and shallow. He should love me for who I am. Right?
Well sister, men are visual creatures like it or not. Very visual. As in they notice and rate every woman they run across in every situation all day long, apparently. From the gal at the coffee stand to the woman in line in front of them at the bank to the girl next door, all of them, all of the time. They aren’t consciously doing it. They just DO it.
Why? Who knows. I suspect it has something to do with their need not so long ago to be always alert to their surroundings because being super observant really helps one be a good hunter or warrior.
Likewise, when sizing up a potential mate, these men were looking for all the signs that said she’d be good at having babies. Studies show it is the very same signs of fertility that men are naturally attracted to.
And let’s face it, women are also attracted to men who look a certain way. Often the same signs that show he would make a fine hunter and warrior. So we must be sexist, too?
Now it is true, some women are already too keenly aware of their body image and obsess over every tiny flaw and spend entirely way too much time and money on their appearance already. This post is not for them. To them I would say, relax. Guys don’t like that either. And chances are you look great but are so uptight about it you can’t enjoy it.
However, there are many women who have taken it to the other extreme. They put little to no emphasis on their appearance, and yet they expect men to overlook all that.
The biggest thing a gal can do to improve her physical appeal is to maintain an ideal body weight. Not too fat, not too thin. With 2 in 3 women overweight or obese, this is an area where a gal can easily stand out from the crowd. But not with fad diets or crash diets or whatever, which only set up a boomerang effect that leads to even more weight gain in the future. Better to eat a highly nutrient rich but lower calorie diet made up of good, sound food than to try to subsist on less of the “typical American diet.” The Paleo Diet is a good example.
And be active. Eating well is where it starts because eating 400 calories is a lot easier than burning 400 calories, but regular and robust physical activity helps too because it builds muscle which in turn burns more calories day and night. And don’t worry, you won’t look like The Incredible Hulk if you work out. A women’s hormones keep muscle mass from building in the same way a man’s does. If you don’t like to work out, then adopt a strenuous physical hobby. Wake-board chicks have killer abs and are super lean as a side effect of that very strenuous sport, for example. And have you ever seen wake-board guys? Holy smokes! Not a bad “two birds with one stone” effect, if you know what I mean. Similar for other such active hobbies. Worth doing for the masculine eye candy alone!
Ok, then from there, think “feminine.” Long hair. Pretty dresses or skirts. Jewelry. Tasteful make-up. Shimmer. Sparkle.
Tasteful goes a long, long way. Looking feminine does not equal looking like a streetwalker. Leaving something to the imagination is far more powerful than letting it all hang out.
It’s not rocket science. And it doesn’t decrease your power or worth as a person or reduce the inner you. In fact, it increases your all around appeal. And whether you are married or single, looking good for your man or looking good for your potential man is not a bad strategy.
And by the way, a gal feels better about herself and more confident when she knows she looks good, too. So it’s not just for him.
Chances are the ones who will be complaining and getting all bent out of shape about this are the women in flip flops and pajama pants.
Ladies, something I hear some married (or more often formerly married) men in the manosphere say is that after they got married, the loving that once was a flood trickled or came to a stop.
Some blame marriage itself. They say that once a woman has her man, she no longer wants him.
While I am sure it may be in some cases, I am not convinced that’s exactly what’s going on much of the time.
Maybe your are too tired trying to do and be it all? Maybe you put everything else first? Maybe your libido is lagging? Maybe you are mad at your husband and so you are holding the sex card to your chest? Or maybe other reasons, there are many possible I am sure.
Whatever it is, I would urge you to get it figured out and get your sex life back on track, for your own sake and the sake of your marriage. (Unmarried ladies file this in the “future to-do” category and get things off on the right foot.)
It’s easy to slip into the mistake of taking your relationship as a for granted. It will be there, right?
Bad, bad attitude, sister. Your marriage and connection to your spouse is the pivot the whole rest of your life revolves around, or it should be. Not some afterthought tacked on when you have an extra minute.
Do you know how often your spouse prefers to have sex? And how? And are you guys doing that? And do you talk about these things, not in bed but when you are both well fed and feeling good and maybe in a playful way rather than treating it like some tense Geneva Convention negotiation?
If not, consider trying it. Or if not asking and talking about, maybe your spouse isn’t a talker, experimenting to figure it out yourself.
Or you can just attack him. Today. Yes, today!
Maybe he’s the one who is holding out. Do you know why? Have you asked? Do you care?
Same advice, put figuring this out on your priority list. Top, preferably.
Why? Because celibacy is something many might strive for before marriage, but should not within it.
Think for a minute how unfair it is. Unless you have an unconventional arrangement of some sort, and if so you are likely talking about sex often anyway, you have asked your husband to be faithful only onto you till death do you part, and you pledged the same to him. It’s not like it’s “ok” for either of you to go out and get some on the side then, now is it?
To be married but celibate is in fact far worse than being single because at least then there is hope the dry spell will end. That there is happiness waiting at the other end of the rainbow.
And here’s a little secret many women don’t know, it’s actually regular and satisfying physical bonding (i.e. sex) that opens up a man emotionally. To him, that is love. And women are said to be looking for emotional bonding as much or more than physical bonding. To her, that is love.
Think of it like a snowball effect: you start rolling the sex ball with no demands of emotional engagement. Just start it down the hill. Soon, it gathers speed and your closed off mate starts opening up and doing things that translate to “love” for you. Spontaneously. Soon it picks up all around. The snowball effect grows and grows. Soon you wouldn’t think of being without that engagement and connection. Happy, happy, joy, joy!
But it doesn’t just happen. Someone has to start the ball down the hill. And since, like it or not, the only person we can control is ourselves, if you want a happy marriage and this is on your heart, well get to rolling, sister.
It might be rocky at first. There may be false starts. That’s ok. Stick it out. Don’t expect anything. Just give.
“Hey, wait?” You may think. You may start to ponder how you should be getting more in return.
Screech. Stop. Hello. It’s not a transaction. It’s something you should give, and give freely. Not something to be traded or bartered or doled out in spoonfuls. It’s not something to be used to get him to do what YOU want.
“But I am not in the mood redpillgirl,” I can hear some say.
Tip: it’s all in your head. Get yourself some female erotica and get to reading. One friend reports her married sex life was never better than when reading the recent runaway success “50 Shades of Grey.” She was attacking her husband daily (sometimes more!), he was loving it, and she never even told him what prompted her sudden off the charts drive. They are still rocking it to this day.
And another perk, sex is good for both of your health. Yep. Reduced stress, reduced depression, lower anxiety, better sleep, reduced risk of cancer, lots and lots of upside await.
Any notions you have that sex is bad, or wrong, or shameful need to be left at the curb. That’s just what people told you to keep you from running around like a jackrabbit before marriage. They forget to add in the caveat, “But once you marry by all means, get busy!”
Even the bible says so! I am not kidding. Consider:
7 Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.”2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.6 I say this as a concession, not as a command.7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
(Note: This passage is not included to alienate anyone bc of faith, if you practice another faith and know of a similar passage on marriage and sex, by all means please share it in the comments!)
See, even the apostle Paul thinks if you can’t swear to a life of celibacy you should marry and you should be getting busy with your husband for the sake of both your everlasting souls!
Then consider that he has a much higher sex drive than you likely do, and if you aren’t having sex with him you are either asking him to be some kind of unofficial monk with super human powers or you are basically leaving him wide open to be tempted by porn, infidelity, prostitution, addiction, and other problems you don’t want in your marriage. Hoping it won’t happen to you? Not good strategy.
Sometimes it helps me to listen to music to get my mind wrapped around something. In this case I would suggest:
I said I wanna touch the earth I wanna break it in my hands I wanna grow something wild and unruly
I wanna sleep on the hard ground In the comfort of your arms On a pillow of bluebonnets In a blanket made of stars
Oh it sounds good to me I said
Cowboy take me away Fly this girl as high as you can Into the wild blue Set me free oh I pray Closer to heaven above and Closer to you closer to you
I wanna walk and not run I wanna skip and not fall I wanna look at the horizon And not see a building standing tall
I wanna be the only one For miles and miles Except for maybe you And your simple smile
Oh it sounds good to me Yes it sounds so good to me
Cowboy take me away Fly this girl as high as you can Into the wild blue Set me free oh I pray Closer to heaven above and Closer to you closer to you
I said I wanna touch the earth I wanna break it in my hands I wanna grow something wild and unruly Oh it sounds so good to me
Cowboy take me away Fly this girl as high as you can Into the wild blue Set me free oh I pray Closer to heaven above and Closer to you closer to you Closer to you Cowboy take me away. Closer to you
Ladies, if you have kids and are not with their dad for whatever reason, are you making sure your children’s relationship with their dad continues even if your relationship with him does not?
I hope so, because your kids need their dad. And way too many women make the mistake of pushing him out either out of anger or just because they themselves don’t want to deal with him anymore, but this is a really, really shortsighted and selfish thing to do.
In fact, experts say there are very few situations where either parent should be denied regular time with their children. Kids need both parents, ideally together but if that simply is not possible, then separately. And without ongoing conflict, anger, or bad-talking of either parent. It takes a lot of maturity to co-parent in a healthy way that puts your kids needs over your own, but it is well worth it for their sake.
I know this because I grew up without my dad, who died in a car accident when I was two and my brother was four. We each missed having our dad in different ways, and at many points. Even today, some 40 years later, I still feel and grieve that loss. It’s never “over.” That void is always there, even more so on days like Father’s Day, or when I see a bride walked down the aisle, or do a father-daughter dance. Many times I find the grief is right there, ready to pop out when I least expect it.
Now in my case, there was no option. I cannot imagine how I would have felt knowing that my father was out there somewhere and I just wasn’t getting to see him, or worse was being told he didn’t want to see me. I do know people in this situation and most have as adults reconnected with their fathers despite their mother’s wishes, and in the cases where mom shoved dad out, they harbor real and lasting anger at their moms because of it.
When a relationship between parents ends, so should the fighting and bickering and anger. If you can’t do it, have someone else manage visitation drop offs and pick ups for you until you can. I have many times witnessed a child standing to the side while their mom and dad stand and argue with each other and it is absolutely heartbreaking. Just don’t.
And don’t make shit up. And don’t play games. And don’t stir the pot. Just let it go. Be the bigger person. Show your kids the high road by always taking it yourself. Be that person they desperately need to look up to.
And don’t hold money over his head in exchange for time, keep money and time separate issues, not discussed in front of your children. In fact, remember that little ears hear everything, so never bad talk the other parent around your kids, and don’t let other people do it either because your kids are half that person, and if they keep hearing that person is bad, they will think they are half bad, too.
Trust me, your kids need their dad. If he’s out there and wants to be a part of their life, please, let him be. They need him.
Notes From a Red Pill Girl 